Dealing with the parents


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lindseyk is offline lindseyk Post #1  June 21,2009, 6:04pm

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This is not the cheeriest thread I've ever started, but I need help.

My parents and I are at odds over my new relationship. They have pre-judged my SO without even meeting him. They have called my faith and integrity into question without reason, as far as I can tell. They have said some extremely hurtful things - my mom has even gone so far as to imply that should this relationship progress to marriage, I will be an adulteress because he is divorced and his ex-wife is still living. My mom says that I am no longer the girl I used to be (back when I was in high school, which is ridiculous since high school was eleven years ago for me) and that I am in danger of compromising my faith all over the place. She has insulted SO and says she doesn't care about him at all. My dad just sounds disappointed every time I talk to him and he has said that he and I used to have a strong relationship, but maybe now we don't because of this. The thought never entered my mind until he mentioned it.

Everyone else my SO and I know is in favour of our relationship and thinks that there is something quite extraordinary about us. Both my friends and his think we are perfectly matched. It's only my parents who don't think so and it is the only blight on my relationship. I don't know what to do. I'm not going to walk away from him, but I don't want to fight with my parents either. My mom has suggested that if I continue in my relationship, it will threaten and undermine our family relationship.

I'm sorry this is such a downer thread, but I don't know how to talk to my parents about this without it turning into another argument. Thoughts?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  June 21,2009, 6:15pm
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That sounds like a painful situation. I have no idea about what you should do re your current boyfriend, but I think you do need to make a decision regarding your attitudes toward your parents and your relationship with them. I think you need to decide if you're going to accept their attitudes (religious and other) about what is right and wrong and how you should live your life....or if you're willing to go against these. Personally I think this is a matter of 'growing up', in that it means not remaining dependent upon the judgement and attitudes of one's parents. However, it's also true that with many parents a child 'going their own way' can in large part end the relationship between them. It seems to me that the statements your parents have made, such as that 'your relationship isn't as strong as it once was' indicates that you have been becoming more independent and that they see you having a 'strong' or 'good' relationship equating to your remaining their dependent child who will accept and do what they want. For some people, it's just not worth it to bear the disapproval of mom and dad that living according to their own mind requires. Good luck.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #3  June 21,2009, 6:29pm
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I can sympathize with you on this. I had a very similar situation in my life, but it wasn't for religious reasons.

I can't tell you that it all worked out for the best, my relationship with my mom is still very distant. But when all is said and done, the only thing we can do in life is stay true to who we are, and trust our own judgment. You are a grown woman, and you will never forgive yourself if you break up with this man only because your parents did not approve.

Follow you head and your heart. And keep the hope that your parents will come around, when they see how happy your man makes you.

My thoughts are with you. And best of luck!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  June 21,2009, 6:38pm
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I agree with JJ.

I would be watchful for a hidden risk here, as well: that of damaging the family relationships while still losing your partner.

I don’t mind partners who aren’t close to their family, or those that are and are harmonious with them, but I don’t stand for being exposed to drama. Add conflict to all the usual difficulty in getting a new relationship to endure … it just lengthens the odds.

Unfortunately, I suspect you are the least in need of advice in this dynamic. I think one of the dumbest things parents can do is to drive a wedge between themselves and the child in this manner.

I would prepare your negotiations in advance, if they are still helping you with school costs, I’d expect that to be the next pressure point.
 
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lindseyk is offline lindseyk Post #5  June 21,2009, 6:49pm

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D_Lion wrote :
I agree with JJ.

I would be watchful for a hidden risk here, as well: that of damaging the family relationships while still losing your partner.

I don’t mind partners who aren’t close to their family, or those that are and are harmonious with them, but I don’t stand for being exposed to drama. Add conflict to all the usual difficulty in getting a new relationship to endure … it just lengthens the odds.

Unfortunately, I suspect you are the least in need of advice in this dynamic. I think one of the dumbest things parents can do is to drive a wedge between themselves and the child in this manner.

I would prepare your negotiations in advance, if they are still helping you with school costs, I’d expect that to be the next pressure point.
Thankfully my education is fully funded through scholarships for the next year and a half and I will probably have a TA position at the university come September, so that's not a worry. I've been financially responsible for my education the whole way through.

I think that my dad, in particular, is afraid that he's losing me somehow - that I can't be in a relationship with a man and still maintain my relationship with him. I disagree. I think the dynamic of my relationship with my dad will and needs to change, but it doesn't have to be lost. I'll always love my dad. He still sees me as his little girl though - I'm the baby of the family and both he and my mom still see me that way, I think. Hopefully the current situation will be resolved positively and they'll come out of it seeing me as a woman who can still love and respect them even if I don't live my life the way they have decided I ought to.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #6  June 21,2009, 6:50pm

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Oh, Lindsey - I am so glad that you have an SO. I think that is great that your relationship is developing that we are even at point that your parents are involved. lol!

I know your faith is very important to you. I can also tell that your parents' faith is very important to them. This may be the first time in your life that you have really come to a point that you extremely disagree with your parents...but no fear, that is normal. You are twenty-six; you are becoming your own person and you are at the point that you are developing your own moral compass, a lot from your parents but also a lot from your own mind and feelings on things.

I am not sure if you are yet financially independent of your parents but if not, then I think this should be a little more motivation to get there.

From what I have seen on here is that your morals and faith are important and I believe you have the fortitude to live by your values. But what I have also seen is that you do strike me as bit younger then you actually are...in a very endearing way of course.

So I think this is just one of those things with growing up. At some point, we grow up and realize it is our life and we need to live by what we believe is right - not what was taught to us.

I can't and won't answer who is right - you or your parents - on your SO's situation. What I will say is you have to answer what is right. What do you believe?

I have a feeling if you stick to what you believe is right because you believe it is the right thing to do - then your parents will come to respect that. If they don't, then they are doing a poor job of parenting - since the prime reason for parenting is to raise and release adults into the world.

And I am very glad for you with the boy! I know this seems to dampen your joy a little - but I am very pleased for you!
 
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lindseyk is offline lindseyk Post #7  June 21,2009, 7:07pm

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LizziePooh wrote :
Oh, Lindsey - I am so glad that you have an SO. I think that is great that your relationship is developing that we are even at point that your parents are involved. lol!

I know your faith is very important to you. I can also tell that your parents' faith is very important to them. This may be the first time in your life that you have really come to a point that you extremely disagree with your parents...but no fear, that is normal. You are twenty-six; you are becoming your own person and you are at the point that you are developing your own moral compass, a lot from your parents but also a lot from your own mind and feelings on things.

I am not sure if you are yet financially independent of your parents but if not, then I think this should be a little more motivation to get there.

From what I have seen on here is that your morals and faith are important and I believe you have the fortitude to live by your values. But what I have also seen is that you do strike me as bit younger then you actually are...in a very endearing way of course.

So I think this is just one of those things with growing up. At some point, we grow up and realize it is our life and we need to live by what we believe is right - not what was taught to us.

I can't and won't answer who is right - you or your parents - on your SO's situation. What I will say is you have to answer what is right. What do you believe?

I have a feeling if you stick to what you believe is right because you believe it is the right thing to do - then your parents will come to respect that. If they don't, then they are doing a poor job of parenting - since the prime reason for parenting is to raise and release adults into the world.

And I am very glad for you with the boy! I know this seems to dampen your joy a little - but I am very pleased for you!
Thanks, LizziePooh! My SO and I were actually talking about how I'm growing away from my parents and that it's probably difficult for them because I've always been quite acquiescent to their wishes. I've never really differentiated myself from them before now, even though I've been living on my own and supporting myself financially for the last decade or so. I can see how difficult this is for them, so I will try to show mercy and grace!

And thanks for the congratulations on my relationship! We're happy and I am all smiles!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  June 21,2009, 7:08pm
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Your mom and / or dad has put you in a very difficult position and this indeed sad.

However, the facts are:
1. that YOU not your mom are dating your guy.
2. he makes YOU happy.
3. it is your MOM who threatening a break from you not you who is breaking from your mom.

You are no longer a child but an adult and from what I have observed over time you are perfectly capable of making your own decisions. I see nothing in your post that indicates that you are using this guy to rebel against the wishes of your parents. The only thing that you can say to your mom is that she is making a choice but that you will always love her and be there if she changes her mind.

You need to follow your heart and mind for your happiness. If your mom cannot accept this then it is her loss. You mom seems to have some very puritanical religious views and I would suspect that she would not be happy with any guy that she did not select for you.

I hope this in some way helps but I am not a psychologist or counselor.
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #9  June 21,2009, 7:13pm
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Speaking as a divorced Christian who is also a parent let me give you my perspective. First of all there are some very different beliefs on what constitutes a Biblical Divorce and makes a person eligible for remarriage. And I'm not talking differences between denominations or liberal vs. conservative but differences even among conservative evangelical ministers. Some believe that if a person is divorced for any reason then they are not eligible to remarry as long as the ex-spouse is still alive. Some believe it is only ok if the ex-spouse committed adultery or abandonment. Some believe it is ok in cases of adultery, abuse & neglect, or abandonment, and some believe it is ok for any reason as long as their is a legal decree of divorce.

Not that it matters for the sake of this conversation, but my own personal view is remarriage is ok under the conditions of adultery, abuse and/or neglect, or abandonment. And I might add that when I say abuse I don't believe it has to reach the level that the person is afraid for their life. If the person is in a destructive relationship that is causing them harm then they should not feel obligated to stay in it, and they are still eligible to remarry.

Your parents seem to be coming from the school of thought that remarriage is not ok no matter what the ex-spouse did as long as she is alive. I would be curious to know if you know if this has always been their view. This is a minority view among Christians today.

What I suspect is they as parents are wanting you to marry someone who like you is a single person who's never been married. If my daughter told me that she was marrying someone who was divorced then I'd have some questions and concerns as well. Again remember this is coming from someone who is divorced. Even if the person had a good reason for getting the divorce there still could be some leftover issues and baggage. Also parents are concerned that if someone has been divorced once then it wouldn't be as hard for them to be divorced a second time. So keep in mind that your parents may just be concerned about your well being and want you to have the best chance to succeed in your marriage.

I'd suggest talking to them and asking them what it is that concerns them the most about this situation. I'm wondering if you already gave them the details surrounding your SO's divorce. Are there things you can tell them to reassure them that it was a situation where he really had no choice and that if it was up to him there would not have been a need for the divorce. This could help reassure them that he is committed to marriage and would stick it out during the tough times.
 
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lindseyk is offline lindseyk Post #10  June 21,2009, 7:14pm

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I would suspect that she would not be happy with any guy that she did not select for you.

You hit the nail right on the head - wow! That's exactly what I said to my SO the other day. She wants what she thinks is right for me, not what I know is right. It's too bad really, because now she's gone off in search of horror stories to try and convince me of the rightness of her stand. I wish she wouldn't torment herself like that - it's doing more harm to her than it is to me.
 
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