Do Men Really Want a Successful & Educated Woman?


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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #101  June 24,2009, 10:26am
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neardc wrote :
I'm unclear as to what these last several posts have to do with what the OP was asking. She is talking about men being intimidated before entering into any kind of relationship, or even a date. This is something that she is hearing on the first date (when they confess that they felt intimidated about her accomplishments) or even before. That's a different issue than the old "Oh successful women just don't put a big enough priority on men and relationships" meme, or the notion that women (or men) jump to generalizing about all people of a particular gender based on one or two experiences or that women make "bad choices" in men.... She is legitimately asking for some insight into something that she (and lots of other women, really) have observed...

Or, are you all suggesting that it's really an issue about the men who negatively stereotype successful women based on assumptions like those stated above?
You're talking about BEFORE the date starts, that the men are getting somewhat intimidated. Interesting...

I guess it depends on the man and their past experience in dating. If you've only dated women who rent and have a certain amount of debt, and then you meet a really attractive woman who has their own house, no debt, paid off car, and who really has their act together, if the man has a low amount of self-esteem, then there is that chance he might be intimidated.

It might be tied into the argument about "are men intimidated by beautiful women"... I would think it's more of a looks issue, though I guess it depends on how much money would be intimidating to a person too. If a woman is making say 85k a year, that might not be intimidating, but if she's making 8.5 million a year, that might be intimidating.

But then again, some men won't care about that sort of thing. It's all in the man, in their history, and how secure they are in themselves.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #102  June 24,2009, 10:35am
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neardc wrote :
I'm unclear as to what these last several posts have to do with what the OP was asking. She is talking about men being intimidated before entering into any kind of relationship, or even a date. This is something that she is hearing on the first date (when they confess that they felt intimidated about her accomplishments) or even before. That's a different issue than the old "Oh successful women just don't put a big enough priority on men and relationships" meme, or the notion that women (or men) jump to generalizing about all people of a particular gender based on one or two experiences or that women make "bad choices" in men.... She is legitimately asking for some insight into something that she (and lots of other women, really) have observed...

Or, are you all suggesting that it's really an issue about the men who negatively stereotype successful women based on assumptions like those stated above?
1. In many cases here, both men and women are basing their generalizations and vents about the opposite sex on a few experiences. This is nothing new, it's just how the cookie crumbles.

2. Both men and women leap to conclusions about potential compatibility based solely on reviewing a profile. I think that is also par for the course on these boards, and in online dating in general. In this particular case, some of the men believe that should a relationship ensue with an intelligent, highly-driven women, he will not be a top priority in her life. Women will continue to believe that her superior education and higher income are the only reason the man would not want to pursue a relationship. But there are other relevant factors, some of which are being mentioned in this thread.

The OP calls for feedback from men, and she is receiving it. Understandably, the women here are not going to like everything they're going to hear, but these men are your dating pool.
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #103  June 24,2009, 11:56am
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The problem with this thread and many similar threads is they start out with a faulty premise. Based on a couple of dates and what a couple of men said to her she is concluding that men are intimidated by her education and success. As has been pointed out this is not the case with most men. So in order to give the OP really good advice you first have to correct the premise.

I've noticed that when this happens and people tell the OP their original assumptions may not be correct then there are a few that start crying that we're not honoring the OP's request for advice or we're getting off topic, etc. etc. etc. The worst thing you can do for someone is to allow them to continue to believe something that isn't true. The OP may have met a few men like this, but she can rest assured that her education and success is not going to be what keeps her from a successful relationship. If she is not having success then she may need to make some adjustments. The first thing I'd suggest is dating people with the same relative education level and success level.

As others suggested it could be that she might give off a vibe that a relationship is not going to be a high priority in her life and her success is always going to come first. Without knowing more we can't conclude that, but it is something to look at. I've seen it mostly happen with women who meet successful men, but many of these women find out that he is always working late and even working weekends because he's driven to be more and more successful. This does spell trouble for a future relationship, and it is something to consider up front.

P.S. Telling a person what they want to hear and re-enforcing stereotypes isn't necessarily the best way to give advice.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #104  June 24,2009, 12:26pm
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These succesful women threads are really a female version of the "nice guy" threads. I have XYZ to offer and yet the men are intimidated by that and reject me. Does this mean that men do not like successful women?

No, it means that they are looking for more than that and that particular successful woman is not offereing that or does not come across like she does. It seems that it's just as difficult for the men to explain what that extra is the same way that it's difficult for the women to describe same about men.

Let's face it - in today's society intelligent, educated, successful women with good jobs, houses, etc. are a dime a dozen. The majority are perfectly successful relationship wise and some are not. What's the difference? Perhaps a better question to ask is in addition to intelligence and success, what other qualities do men look for in a partner and which qualities actually trump intelligence and professional success?
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #105  June 24,2009, 12:31pm
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Some men may be intimidated by a woman. Some may not.

Something that should be pointed out is that the reaction that you get from a man depends on how the information is delivered.

If you just throw out a bunch of accomplishments within the first date or 2 then it can easily be taken badly.

If accomplishments seem forced & in attempt to impress me then that is not a good thing. I will be unimpressed. There should be a pace involved in delivering information.

For me, the fun is # 1 priority with personal information being secondary. Too much too soon will turn me off.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #106  June 24,2009, 12:34pm
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DancingFool wrote :
These succesful women threads are really a female version of the "nice guy" threads. I have XYZ to offer and yet the men are intimidated by that and reject me. Does this mean that men do not like successful women?

No, it means that they are looking for more than that and that particular successful woman is not offereing that or does not come across like she does. It seems that it's just as difficult for the men to explain what that extra is the same way that it's difficult for the women to describe same about men.

Let's face it - in today's society intelligent, educated, successful women with good jobs, houses, etc. are a dime a dozen. The majority are perfectly successful relationship wise and some are not. What's the difference? Perhaps a better question to ask is in addition to intelligence and success, what other qualities do men look for in a partner and which qualities actually trump intelligence and professional success?
That was neat how much your post was related to mine & I didn't even read yours until I posted.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #107  June 24,2009, 12:34pm
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Walter, I would agree with you. We're all grown-ups here...people should be able to process "advice" and other opinions even if they may not be happy with what they read.

This thread reminds me of a thread a few months ago about what occupations scare people off. Doctor and lawyer were high on the list. Presumably doctors and lawyers are educated and ambitious, but the primary reason people stated they shun those occupations is because of the crazy work schedules, not simply because those professionals are educated and/or successful. This includes the females.

I have many female friends who are professionals in traditionally male-dominated fields. While those women may not spread their feathers when around other female professionals, they have intimated to me that their ambition and work schedules make it difficult for them to date. In many cases, they are also not willing to "date down." The real problem, I think, would be if men who are themselves successful wouldn't want to date a successful woman...that is textbook chauvenism.

If an uneducated or otherwise unambitious man doesn't want a successful woman, he is doing her a favor. While that woman may be temporarily frustrated, she should not consider that a loss, nor should she impute those few experiences on men in general. Just look at the sampling of men here...I don't think the majority of us would be scared off by a successful woman.
 
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pamcam is offline pamcam Post #108  June 24,2009, 12:49pm
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I think it has much to do w/ where one is in one's life journey. In our twenties and thirties, many people are focused on education and career, along w/ a certain level of personal achievement and success in each. Many find that "it's all about this," b/c that's where they're at. Later, one's focus changes...to include more depth.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #109  June 24,2009, 12:51pm
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bigfincat wrote :
That was neat how much your post was related to mine & I didn't even read yours until I posted.
lol...yeah...you actually directly answered my question....what can I say....great minds.....
 
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Ynot is offline Ynot Post #110  June 26,2009, 11:41am
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IcecreamMoon wrote :
Not all women think that. In fact, I know quite a few educated women, who don't. I happen to be one of them. I don't care if you don't have a degree or if you have 10 of them. I don't even know where my actual degrees (as in papers) are right now. I recently moved and beginning to suspect they were thrown away with rubbish.

I care that a man is open-minded enough to want to learn (most of my learning happened outside of school), that he cares about something, that he has passions and ambitions (other than watching sports and drinking beer), and is doing something to achieve them. I don't even care much what those passions are (unless it's a passion for abuse and violence), I just need to feel the drive to get somewhere in life.

And if a man starts a conversation with his favorite TV star or sport player, there is no end to my snobbery.

What I'm trying to say is, if you want to date smart women, you need to be a smart man. That's all.

And good luck! We are out there, I promise

Well, said. I'm a few credits short of a 4 year degree - but I hated school. None the less, I read more books than anyone I know and own and run a very sucessful software company that got top 100 awards in the entire US three years running. This association of degrees with intelligence is bothersome... I've know a few PHD's that couldn't find their way out of a paper bag. And I'm not laughing, it's pathetic.

I see the same thing... and I was a bit of a snob about wanting someone of similar status, intellect, etc. until I fell for a guy I knew for awhile before dating. He's got a HS education and is a laborer, but has a spiritual side and places high importance on the relationships of his life and not material wealth. He makes a decent living by normal standards... and I've found myself madly in love with him in the last year. He is interested in seeing more of the world and really enjoys some of the 'new things' that I bring to his life, and he to mine.

SO, guys don't be intimidated. Go for what you like and find someone with a curiosity of the world that matches yours, and also make sure that your 'desired lifestyle' can be in synch. If one of you is driven and the other isn't - or if one likes to continue to learn and grow and the other is stagnant... these are bigger concerns.
 
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