What is your idea of the right amount of time to know each other before marriage?


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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #51  June 21,2009, 12:23pm

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chawks64 wrote :
Oh, nd the toilet paper hangs with the free end out. That's the way the hotel maids do it, and I do believe they are professionals.
LMAO! Ok, that convinced me. I am with Chawks and the rest of the outies!!!

And a question for the ones that do not need to get married? If your goal is to stay with someone and be committed to that person for life, why can you not speak the words? It rings false to me if someone can not put the power of words behind their actions.
Last edited by LizziePooh; June 21,2009 at 12:26pm.
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #52  June 21,2009, 12:24pm
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chawks64 wrote :
Oh, and the toilet paper hangs with the free end out. That's the way the hotel maids do it, and I do believe they are professionals.
I even like to fold the corners over to make that neat little V shape at the end. But, of course that is not something that I require of my mate.
Last edited by last12C; June 21,2009 at 12:28pm.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #53  June 21,2009, 12:33pm
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LizziePooh wrote :
I am kind of liking not living together after marriage. lol!

I think you can find a pen pal in a penitentiary you’ll get along great with.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #54  June 21,2009, 1:01pm
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LizziePooh wrote :
LMAO! Ok, that convinced me. I am with Chawks and the rest of the outies!!!

And a question for the ones that do not need to get married? If your goal is to stay with someone and be committed to that person for life, why can you not speak the words? It rings false to me if someone can not put the power of words behind their actions.
For me, it is an issue of people changing. My first husband didn't get violent until right before the wedding, knowing full well I wouldn't have the nerve to call 300 people and tell them it was off. My second husband didn't cheat until we had been married for a year. I am probably a little paranoid, though.

It's funny, because people always assume the woman will change as soon as the ring is on the finger, and I really didn't. Would they have tried harder if they knew I could just walk out the door and not look back? That's something I'll never know.

But marriage really does make me a little nervous now. I've had guys tell me their parents wouldn't approve of me because I'm twice-divorced (at which point I tell them they need to "man up" or I'm gone) or not want to date me at all. I REALLY don't want to be THREE times divorced. Might as well get a scarlet letter tattooed on my forehead!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #55  June 21,2009, 1:08pm
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LizziePooh wrote :
I think living together is a bad thing. I will not live together with someone prior to marriage.
cp30 wrote :
Living together is at its root...testing each other. Trust is not established by trying each other out in such a way. Its like saying, I will only love you and commit to you if you meet my every need and if you are good enough. If you are not good enough, I'm out. And you are on your own.
goldengirl7676 wrote :
I personally would not want to live together before getting married. I hate the whole "testing" theory. I'm not a used car being taken for a test-drive. If someone can't already figure out that he loves me and wants me as his wife, then he's not the guy for me.
cp30 wrote :
At least most women, on some level will feel that they need to "perform" and be "perfect" at some point sooner or later that will backfire. If I feel I'm being tested like a car then I'm going to rebel, most likely right away, cause I don't deal with that well.
LizziePooh wrote :
I understand the argument for living together - I just don't appreciate it. To me, it is all about commitment.
last12C wrote :
If someone is not already at a level of commitment that should be leading toward engagement-marriage, moving in together serves no purpose for me.



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Last edited by D_Lion; June 21,2009 at 1:11pm.
 
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yeoww is offline yeoww Post #56  June 21,2009, 1:20pm
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My 78 year-old mom says marriage is a cr*p shoot :-D She knew my dad for three months before they married, and they were happily together for 55 years.

You can date someone for years and never really know the person until you live together.
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #57  June 21,2009, 1:45pm
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jomarie is offline jomarie Post #58  June 21,2009, 2:12pm
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Dr. Laura always said 1-1/2 years was minium , I think. Not that I believe everything she says, but that seems about right to me!
 
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pamcam is offline pamcam Post #59  June 21,2009, 2:33pm
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The relationship is the journey--not the destination. As for people who have been divorced several times, I don't necessarily see it as a red flag. I'm not the same person I was when I was 20, nor am I when I was 30. People come into our lives for a reason and that is to learn the lessons we need to learn for ourselves and together. Every relationship is sucessful--if we truly learn what was ours to learn and don't continue to repeat the same mistakes. I'll admit I am a very slow life learner, but I've made remarkable progress and improvement. I look forward to what set of (NEW) lessons I'll be presented w/ and this time actually be present to them and to the person, the gift, presenting them.

The only relationship that we ever truly have for life is w/ ourselves (and God).
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #60  June 21,2009, 2:44pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I cannot get my mind around an idea that a relationship can exist walled-off from pressures of the world, or that each one can be made to be strong enough to withstand them.
I completely agree with you. Some relationships will not survive and end up being a statistic. Some will. In my view, what differentiates the two still comes down to motivation for being/staying married, combined with willingness to fight for what you want.

If my main motivation is to have a lot of money we can amass together, so that we can enjoy a luxurious lifestyle, then the minute my partner loses his job or experiences a drop in his nett income, my motivation for staying in that relationship will lose its support basis (at least to a degree).

But if my motivation was based on being with that person for who he is, and income fluctuations do not affect the core person (I'm not talking about incidental attitudes here), then I will be motivated enough to reassess our relationship in terms of pressures of the evolved world, and still make it work. But this does require putting egos aside to some degree, and being willing to put in the effort together. Otherwise, the relationship is likely to end up being another statistic, despite the best of intentions.

If you really love someone for who they are and what they mean to you, it goes beyond finances or attitudes of the world, and that's what ultimately makes or breaks a relationship, in my opinion. Of course, this is a simplistic view, a lot of us define ourselves, at least to some degree, in terms of our careers or what we do in life. So when that changes, the self-definition changes too. But we don't usually fall in love with definitions, so I still stand by what I said.
Last edited by IcecreamMoon; June 21,2009 at 2:49pm.
 
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