What is your idea of the right amount of time to know each other before marriage?


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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #131  June 24,2009, 5:34pm

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D_Lion wrote :
JayJay,

I agree with your perspective, but I will guess at an answer:

Some people feel that not being married means the partner will leave them if someone better comes along.
well, that might be one reason, or one reason among many.

For me, I just don't want to go down the path with someone who is terrified of marriage and has a negative view of it to begin with.

The thing is, I cherish my space and time alone too. I would rather be alone than in a relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable and unloved or distrusted....being in a perpetually dating relationship makes me feel that way, as if I am always having to jump through hoops to make him trust me. I'd rather not get involved than get invovled with someone like that.

The thing we are not really touching on here too, is religion and spirituality, which shapes a lot of views of what marriage is.

To many of us, it certainly, is not just a piece of paper or law.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #132  June 24,2009, 5:38pm
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D_Lion wrote :
We'd regret it at bedtime.

I think I'll stick to tempting some Ladies.
Working well so far? Or is the TV too loud in the background?
 
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LavenderFields is offline LavenderFields Post #133  June 24,2009, 5:48pm
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I haven't read everybody's post, but in general I think there is no timeline. In my mind I would say, whenever we would feel comfortable enough to live together, we should probably start thinking about getting married. Another trigger would be, if the itch to have kids is there.

Since I am not sure I'll get neither of the itches... I think I will be happy and content being the girlfriend for a long long time.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #134  June 24,2009, 5:55pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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cp30 wrote :
for me it has a lot to do with respect and trust and security.

If he doesn't want to get married, on some level I feel like he doesn't respect me enough, trust me enough, etc. and I won't feel secure in the relationship, and always like I have to prove myself worthy.

To me the relationship really takes of after the comittment. Thats when I can really share what a great catch I am, because thats when I know we have trust and all that goes with that.

Before then... I will always be a little bit unsure, and a little bit out the door....

I think its a shame that popular culture has perpetuated the joke that once a woman is married then sex stops and she gets fat, or whatever.

I think it really hurts the whole idea, and spreads doubt.

doubt is just a killer in a relationship.

A lot of us are really the opposite. We can't become our best for another person until fully invested, and for many of us that means marriage.

If your not willing to commit to me, by marriage, then I'm probably not willing to put all of my energy into the relationship.

Believe it or not...some of us are actually, more figuratively still "saving ourselves" there has to be something left to give for the one that is actually in it for the long haul and proves worthy.

dating for 7 years would just exhaust me and wear me down.
So a big aspect of wanting marriage sooner, rather than later, seems to be the element of security. Needing to feel that the relationship is one for the 'long haul' before being able to be completely comfortable and invest fully.

Maybe I have two following questions. One is whether it's really necessary to feel a great sense of security to fully open up in the relationship. And isn't the feeling of security really illusory (given divorce statistics)? The other, perhaps more basic question is....why is this state of comfort and security needed as soon as possible?

So first....is it really necessary to have a complete feeling of security before the relationship can 'take off'...and secondly, why the need to get to the state of full security as soon as possible? If it isn't 'exhausting' before getting into a relationship....and if it isn't exhausting after the full committment....why is it so tiring in the middle?
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #135  June 24,2009, 6:03pm

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I don't think a year is as soon as possible... I think a couple of days is as soon as possible.

I just want to get rid of a relationship as soon as possible if its not going anywhere because I would rather be alone and focusing my energy on more important things. Like investing in myself so I have something left to give the people that are going to be a part of my life.

It's not just about security. That was one element I named there.

I think it is a lot like religion itself...if I have to explain it, you probably would not understand.

I have a feeling though that Last12C could explain it though....she has a way of doing so, and I agree with her completley.

It's not a race. It's more of a weeding out process so that the right one can be identified.

And no, its very hard to let myself go completley if the trust and security is not there. I can only speak for myself but I'm sure that is fairly common.

personally this message board is exhausting me at the moment and I just need to go for a walk or something, and something tells me we have discussed this before, I've been here a year and a half! My better answers are probably searchable!
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #136  June 24,2009, 6:08pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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cp30 wrote :
...personally this message board is exhausting me at the moment and I just need to go for a walk or something, and something tells me we have discussed this before, I've been here a year and a half! My better answers are probably searchable!
Enjoy your walk....and remember, you're not only one of the longer tenured members of this board....but also one of the most appreciated.
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #137  June 24,2009, 9:34pm
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cp30 wrote :
I have a feeling though that Last12C could explain it though....she has a way of doing so, and I agree with her completley.
Well…. I don’t know that I can be of much help to you. To be honest, I doubt if I could explain it any better than you did when you said “I think it is a lot like religion itself...if I have to explain it, you probably would not understand.”
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Last edited by last12C; June 24,2009 at 10:27pm.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #138  June 24,2009, 10:04pm

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Thanks JayJay...I did take a walk, I'm pretty sure it was still 100 degrees out there, in the dark...sure you are ready for this heat!?

And thank you Last12c. It's like you take what is in my heart and write it out so beautifully! I really agree with you, we are on the same page....I just wish I could write like you!
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #139  June 25,2009, 5:03am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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cp...I'm absolutely ready for the TX heat. I love it hot.

last12C: Let's take as a given everything you wrote in your last post. Say that within a few weeks to months you identify a fantastic man and the two of you will get married. Is there a need to get to marriage 'now' (or very soon)? Is there something that makes it critical to be married in X number of years rather than in X + Y years?

Also, in truth, while I like to pose a lot of possibiltiies such as waiting a long time for marriage I really have nothing against taking a shorter amount of time. When I discuss things like this on here people oftentimes assume something I write about is what I actually want to do.
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #140  June 25,2009, 10:10am
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jayjay wrote :
last12C: Let's take as a given everything you wrote in your last post. Say that within a few weeks to months you identify a fantastic man and the two of you will get married. Is there a need to get to marriage 'now' (or very soon)? Is there something that makes it critical to be married in X number of years rather than in X + Y years?
Hmmm..... how to answer this.... I would say NO and NO, meaning that there is no concrete predetermined reason or agenda that would drive specific time lines for me. I am beyond child-bearing years. The primary factors that I see as driving the time line are motivation and openess. Each relationship is as unique as the individuals that comprise it. It is a dynamic process that has to flow naturally rather than one that must abide by any structured program. But it must flow. Intimacy feeds intimacy. The relationship grows over time and is further defined as time passes and connections weave themselves together. Trust and faith in one another builds only on an upward trend. If that starts to shift downward, that is indicative of a problem. I view the relationship as the Third Person and as such I am interested in its health and happiness. It is the nature of the dynamics that exist within whatever time intervals you allow that will define the health of the relationship. What is filling the void?

Consequently, I can feel it if a relationship hits a wall. A sense of hesitancy, a withholding, is tangible to me. There is a symbiotic empathetic connection there, I think, that transmits emotions from one to another. We can chose to either ignore it (deny it) or to deal with it. When that happens, I'm going to want to determine the reason behind it. It presents itself as a problem to me; one that needs to be assessed and resolved to the satisfaction of both. If either of us seize up or freeze emotionally there is a reason for that and I can not think of a single example of a constructive reason for passively allowing it to exist for any extended length of time. It is never good to simply ignore a problem. Such things tend to be contagious and it serves no purpose to bat an infection back and forth because it renders any hope for a cure rather elusive. And it is generally advisable to start treatment before rigor mortis sets in.

We are each responsible for our own fears, doubts and baggage. It would do no good for me to sacrifice my own happiness for yours because in a relationship my happiness will always be a major contributor to yours (and vice versa). Your ghosts are not going to respond to any attempts that I make to exorcise them because they do not know me. We can support one another as we deal with those but the ultimate solution is the domain of the one carrying them. Ideally, we should deal with these things before entering into a relationship, but I can concede that there will be occasions where some ectoplasmic residual might be lying about.

If you are participating in a stock portfolio that is declining rather than increasing in value, you would note that and take appropriate action. The same holds true of relationships for me. I am, after all, making a significant contribution toward my future here. It is difficult to make plans for the future when one of the major components is indefinitely in question. I don't want to end up broke in my old age because I unwisely continued to invest in something that was never going to yield a profit. I can let it ride for a prudent period, but there will eventually come a time when I will be forced to reevaluate the risk.

If it becomes obvious that a problem is chronic or intractable in nature, it is often best for both parties if we simply terminate continued efforts to beat the dead horse and seek out more beneficial venues. Stasis and complacency contribute nothing positive to a living, breathing relationship and present opportunities for artificial fears (those that have no rational basis for existing) and doubts to jeopardize the intimacy that has been built between us. I might even be so bold as to suggest that the length of time one needs to assure themselves of a relationship is related in some way to the amount of baggage they are carrying.

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Last edited by last12C; June 25,2009 at 1:36pm. Reason: None of your business :-)
 
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