simpletonHeart70 is offline simpletonHeart70 Post #1  June 18,2009, 10:35am
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When I meet a woman that I really like and we hit it off, I tend to go overboard and try to do whatever makes her happy. She then sees this as some kind of weakness or something undesirable. And she tries to get away.

It seems women really appreciate a guy that doesn't care about them as that makes the man seem more valuable? no?

But I don't want to treat a woman poorly if I like her. And more so, I don't respect a woman that likes me more if I treat her worse.
 
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brownize916 is offline brownize916 Post #2  June 18,2009, 10:42am
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When you say you go overboard, what types of things do you go overboard on? I certainly don't mind a man who will take time out to do something nice for me, but if he's doing things that come off as creepy or stalkerish then its uncomfortable and thats when I bail.

I would say just don't go overboard, pace yourself. I don't think that means you are treating a woman badly if you do this. Women like attention, just know when its appropriate and when its not.
 
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blrdancer is offline blrdancer Post #3  June 18,2009, 10:42am
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simpletonHeart70 wrote :
When I meet a woman that I really like and we hit it off, I tend to go overboard and try to do whatever makes her happy.
You've jsut answered your own question -- you said you go overboard. You don't have to treat a woman badly -- but you may need to ease up a bit. You don't say exactly "how" you go overboard - gifts? constant calls?

Before you worry about constantly making her happy -- you need to ask yourself whether those feelings are reciprocal. Relationships are give and take -- is she treating you well in return? The beginning of a relationship is about getting to know someone and there will be plenty of time down the road to show her how much you care. As a woman, I get a little freaked out by a guy who does or says too much, too fast. It makes me think -- this guy barely knows me - how does he know he feels this way? Is he like this with every girl?

Maybe a little more explanation would be helpful - but it sounds like you just need to keep your emotions a bit more in check in the beginning.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #4  June 18,2009, 10:43am

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simpletonHeart70 wrote :
When I meet a woman that I really like and we hit it off, I tend to go overboard and try to do whatever makes her happy. She then sees this as some kind of weakness or something undesirable. And she tries to get away.

It seems women really appreciate a guy that doesn't care about them as that makes the man seem more valuable? no?

But I don't want to treat a woman poorly if I like her. And more so, I don't respect a woman that likes me more if I treat her worse.

there is a middle ground. don't go overboard, but don't treat someone badly, either.

this has happened to me, actually. it can get really uncomfortable when a man is overly solicitous because it doesn't seem genuine.
 
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wordwoman is offline wordwoman Post #5  June 18,2009, 10:45am
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An example or two of the kind of situation you're referring to might make for a more insightful discussion. At this point, I don't know what you want from those of us on the board.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #6  June 18,2009, 11:02am
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I think that you recognize the problem so now you just have to be conscious of it before you act.

Don't try to make her happy.... just try to "be". Hopefully the things that you do together will make her happy. I guess that her happiness should be a byproduct & not the objective.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #7  June 18,2009, 11:30am
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simpletonHeart70 wrote :
When I meet a woman that I really like and we hit it off, I tend to go overboard and try to do whatever makes her happy. She then sees this as some kind of weakness or something undesirable. And she tries to get away.

It seems women really appreciate a guy that doesn't care about them as that makes the man seem more valuable? no?

But I don't want to treat a woman poorly if I like her. And more so, I don't respect a woman that likes me more if I treat her worse.


If you try to do whatever you think is going to make someone else happy, then you ARE behaving in an undesirable way. You aren't being yourself if you are constantly doing things just to please someone else. That, to me, does not seem genuine.

It is important to compromise when you are building a relationship, but it is also important to maintain your individuality and to have an opinion of your own. If you are constantly just agreeing with whatever she says or wants (one interpretation of your OP statement of trying to do whatever will make her happy), you are not allowing her the chance to get to know the real you either.

As others have already said, ease up and don't go overboard. Having different opinions or interests is not the same thing as treating someone badly. I value someone who brings these differences to a relationship and shows me the same respect he would like in return.

Another interpretation of your OP statement is that you are simply smothering these women with gift, calls, etc. If that is the case, then moderation is definitely in order. Too much too soon will send anyone running.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #8  June 18,2009, 11:33am
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I met someone through eH who went overboard trying to please me, and it sent up red flags like crazy. Proclamations of feelings that I didn't feel he could have possibly had (he hadn't even met me), tons of emails, lots of love poetry, instant messaging like crazy...I could go on but I won't. Needless to say, when I communicated the fact that I was feeling overwhelmed, I got the response, "But I just want to make you happy." This doesn't make me happy after talking for 2 weeks. This makes me feel smothered and scared, and I made these points. Things improved for a day or two, and then it all started again. I finally told him I just didn't think we were a good match. I knew I could never be happy with someone who was so interested in making me happy that he wouldn't even take the time to get to know me. He was so in love with the idea of being in love that he didn't seem to care about anything concerning me as a person, and that just doesn't do it for me.

You have to be true to yourself, but I really believe that bigfincat makes a few excellent points. Just be--don't make her happiness your priority and let the time together and the things you do produce that happiness. Otherwise you're just trying too hard, and when a guy tries too hard, it comes off as neediness or desperation.
Last edited by brneyedangel; June 18,2009 at 11:57am. Reason: added timeline reference in response to message sent to me... :)
 
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txbubba is offline txbubba Post #9  June 18,2009, 11:45am

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i would suggest that from now on you ignore her. do not answer her phone / email / txt msgs etc until she comes here and posts a "what did i do wrong?" or "what does this mean?" thread
 
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jomarie is offline jomarie Post #10  June 18,2009, 1:46pm
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I can say from experience that you've got it right! To your credit, at least you realize it's happening, and that you are the one causing it by going overboard. If a man whom I haven't developed any feelings for yet, does this to me (like on the first date), I run! I think the guy is either desperate or irrational- one or the other, or both! If you want to treat a woman that way, show a little discretion, and wait until a relationship has developed. Just as a man wants a woman who doesn't give herself away to just ANY man that comes along, I as a woman don't want a man who's going to just smother somebody he doesn't even know with affection. It doesn't make a woman feel special if you're willing to do that for just anyone!
 
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