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Dating First-date jitters? Hoping for a second date? Moving on to a full blown relationship? Share your journey and advice here.

View Poll Results: How many dates does it take you to determine physical chemistry/attraction?
1-2 dates 104 73.24%
3-5 dates 33 23.24%
6-10 dates 3 2.11%
10+ dates 2 1.41%
Voters: 142. You may not vote on this poll

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verylibra verylibra is offline
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verylibra happily in love!!!

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You can't manufacture chemistry...God knows I've tried. I've met any number of wonderful men who would make great partners but there was just nothing there. One really good friend and I kissed one night. I knew he treated his girlfriends very well. I enjoyed spending time with him and trusted him but you know what...there was just nothing!

For me, I've found out that my first impression seems to hold true almost always. There was another man I met the first night I joined a club. He might as well have peed in a circle around me to mark his territory. He is one of those very dominate types and considered the BMOC of this group. My first impression was that he was arrogant and self centered.

After several months of doing things with the group. I finally agreed to start dating him. Much to my surprise, he seemed like a fabulous boyfriend. He was very attentive and loving. But he stayed true to form.

After a week he did to me what I had seen him do to ever other woman he dated. He picked a fight so he could "legally" break up for a few days and go out with someone else. So in essence he didn't cheat...LOL! He spent months trying to get me back after that...no way!

As hard as I've tried to have some other outcome, I've found that I know by the end of the first date if there's a romantic future.
- June 19th, 2009, 05:19 am
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Mr_Right Mr_Right is offline
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On the first date that I went on with my girlfriend, there was instant chemistry, like in the first 5 seconds.
- June 28th, 2009, 04:16 pm
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When_I_See_You_Smile When_I_See_You_Smile is offline
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When_I_See_You_Smile Something caught WISYS's attention... and refused to give it back to her.

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Hmmm... sometimes, I know instantly, and sometimes I don't.

I have definitely been in situations, where I knew within a couple of minutes, that I could never imagine kissing the guy.

I have also been in situations, where the chemistry was not evident at first. But, after spending considerable time together, thus becoming more comfortable with each other, it naturally fell into place.

Out of all of the men that I have met in my life, the guy that I had the most chemistry with, is actually someone I was friends with for a year, before we ever kissed. We worked together, and I never even considered him a possibility. I was not attracted to him.

Boy, did that change when we kissed! I have never felt a more intense connection with someone in my life. I had no idea the chemistry would be that amazing with him.

For that reason, I don't always make a hasty judgement. The kiss usually seals the deal, though.
- June 28th, 2009, 05:54 pm
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When_I_See_You_Smile When_I_See_You_Smile is offline
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When_I_See_You_Smile Something caught WISYS's attention... and refused to give it back to her.

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dreamingartist wrote :
I feel like half the answers here are mistaking "attraction" for "chemistry".

I can think a supermodel is "attractive". But if she makes a rude remark about someone, lights up a cigarette, and talks about how she was out till 5 am doing 8 balls off the bar counter with the 3 old guys buying her drinks, I would lose the chemistry instantly.


second. I absolutely do NOT generate chemistry with a girl until I have let myself feel like I want to have more with her. I am guarded, funny, friendly, but absolutely not romantic. It takes me 2 or 3 dates to feel like I want to hold her hands. It may take longer for me to kiss her.

On the flip side I can goto a bar, drink some beer, walk up to any easy girl and within 10 minutes be kissing her. So which girl would have more chemistry. which girl would have more attraction. etc. You can't have chemistry with someone in 30 seconds. You can have initial attraction and lust. But chemistry takes longer to truely develop. Because you have to mix all your ingredients in, and see what kind of reaction you get.. hence the word "chemistrsy"
I really like your answer, dreamingartist.

We have actually debated the definition of chemistry, many times here on the boards. The consensus is usually that chemistry involves emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical chemistry.

"I absolutely do NOT generate chemistry with a girl until I have let myself feel like I want to have more with her. I am guarded, funny, friendly, but absolutely not romantic. It takes me 2 or 3 dates to feel like I want to hold her hands. It may take longer for me to kiss her."

Until recently, I had never encountered this idea, from a man. It seems that all of the men, from my past, have been eager to "generate" chemistry. I am not talking about jumping into bed, but holding hands, kissing, that sort of thing. Needless to say, the show of affection has usually been my validation that the man I'm with, is attracted to me, and does want more. So, the absence of affection, during the first few dates, while not a bad thing, does make it more difficult to determine chemistry.

That being said, chemistry isn't only about the physical aspect. As you mentioned, "you have to mix all your ingredients in, and see what kind of reaction you get.. hence the word "chemistry." I think physical chemistry is the easiest to determine. It's the other things, that take some time.

So, maybe we all need to slow down, and take it one step at a time.
- June 30th, 2009, 03:18 pm
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1 or 2 dates for me
- July 5th, 2009, 12:16 pm
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shevy shevy is offline
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I always know withing the first 5 or 10 minutes if I am attracted to someone.
- July 5th, 2009, 09:43 pm
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Hopefully, whoever I am matched with will be mine until they day we get married, and have kids.
- July 5th, 2009, 09:57 pm
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tbakermj tbakermj is offline
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Although chemistry can develop over time, I'm a firm believer that YOU will know right away! There is a person that is right for everyone, Take your time, be true to yourself and live your best everyday.
- July 10th, 2009, 01:26 am
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Mayne Mayne is offline
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
For all you "instant" chemistry people how is this working out for you? Reading both the posts here and in any of the other threads on this subject it would seem that it hasn't / isn't as there is usually some reference to your divorce. Of course it could be that you and I define long term success differently.
+1!
- July 10th, 2009, 02:27 am
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Twinkle09 Twinkle09 is offline
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PinayBeauty wrote :
I just thought I would throw out a question more for fun than anything else. How long does it take you to determine whether or not there is physical attraction/chemistry with someone? Usually, I know within the first 1-2 dates.
Also, will you continue to date someone you are not initially attracted to in order to see if something develops? I think more women would do this than men, but I could be wrong.
Hi PinayBeauty,
You seem to be a smart person and I'm not hitting on you.
Just responding out of shared interest in your comments.
I'm a mature hetrosexual female (late 50's).
Learned a lot of wisdom in my life.
Still single after 13 yrs of divorce.
Totally dropped out of the single scene until recenlty when I joined eHarmony to make myself break self-imposed isolation.
Chemistry is a biological/physiological thing.
I used to seek high chemistry until I learned the psychology behind that perception which is dangerous and made plenty of wrong choices in partners based on high chemistry attractions.
In the past I have sometimes given a 3rd date test, more to test my own perceptions and to give the other person a fair chance.
If nothing significant by this time, then I'd have to diplomatically give the bad news.
Middle of the road chemistry is best, as in from 1 - 10 the person was a 6 or 7 then this is comfortable and allows you time to make rational choices in the getting to know each other.
Don't be in any great rush to get it on.
Take your time in getting to know the person.
Forget the biological clock if you are wanting kids.
Take your time as there are so many levels you need to be fairly compatible on.
Don't pretend to be something you are not, just as sussing-out the other for pretence and hidden agenda/s.
Just be yourself.
Know yourself. Know your values.
Know healthy boundaries and be able to set them.
Know your deal breakers.
Don't be afraid to ask for clarification if something is not feeling right with the person.
Do not allow yourself be pressured into making choices you are not comfortable with.

Good luck!

Twinkle
- July 11th, 2009, 09:35 am
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