Need Advice About Guy I Have Been Seeing


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Kaitskate is offline Kaitskate Post #1  June 16,2009, 12:54pm
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I have been seeing this great, nice and very honest guy since the end of May, so for a couple weeks now. We have had three amazing dates, the first one turned into a 9 hour epic. All of these first three dates occurred in the course of one week. This was his doing, not mine--he initiated each date. We have both been very open and honest with each other and we have each expressed that we are interested in the other person. Now this is where the catch comes in...he got out of a pretty serious one year relationship in April. Since our third date, it seems he has become scared. It is obvious that he is developing feelings for me, but is now saying that our "timing" may be off and that he may not really be ready to "jump back into something." When he told me this it caught me really off guard and I was shocked since things have been going so well.
We had a very long conversation about how he is still feeling "raw" from his last relationship and still needs some time to get his head in order, so he can fully commit to me. When we were talking about this he was nervous and anxious to hear what I had to say because either I was going to tell him it's done or that I was willing to hang in there for a little while. Well, I decided to hang in there and "see where things go", but at the same time he is not asking me to put my life on hold for him. The decision for me to wait for him, is my own and it was not something that he asked me to do. With this decision he said that it seems that we are both on the same page because he has confirmed to me that he is interested in dating me and that it is completely over with his ex. So for the time being I am giving him some space and some time and allowing him to set the tone aka letting him contact me. I feel that if he didn't care about me or wasn't really interested in me, he wouldn't have wasted his time having this conversation with me, he probably would have just said it's not working, I can't do this now, the end goodbye.
What it comes down to is that neither of us is willing to let what we have started just go and it seems hopeful that once he feels he is ready, things will be great.
I have talked to my friends about this and they think I am doing the right thing by taking a chance, but they also don't want me to get hurt.

I am just wondering if anyone has ever been in this situation?
 
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avinash is offline avinash Post #2  June 16,2009, 5:10pm
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Well, I think you should talk to him, find out whether he wants to keep dating and just take it slow or if he feels its better just to see other people and see what happens
 
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JoJoBean is offline JoJoBean Post #3  June 16,2009, 6:37pm
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I think you should date other men and him as well if he is into it.
You have the right to a great relationship and some fun. Mr. Wonderful may or may not be him. My vote is for not waiting.
 
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Kaitskate is offline Kaitskate Post #4  June 16,2009, 7:10pm
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Thanks for the replies.

When we had our long talk on Sunday, we agreed to keep talking and just see where things go with us which I guess in theory is taking it slow.

He told me I am free to see other people and him at the same time, he doesn't want to hold me back. I am keeping an open mind about that, but I am not actively seeking anyone out, if it happens it happens.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #5  June 16,2009, 7:45pm
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Kaitskate wrote :
Thanks for the replies.

When we had our long talk on Sunday, we agreed to keep talking and just see where things go with us which I guess in theory is taking it slow.

He told me I am free to see other people and him at the same time, he doesn't want to hold me back. I am keeping an open mind about that, but I am not actively seeking anyone out, if it happens it happens.
Kaitskate,
This sounds very healthy to me. You are both aware of what's going on and communicating openly. If you ask me, you are absolutely doing the right thing.

He sounds like a pretty decent guy to me. He is telling you the truth and not trying to keep you around with lies, for his own pleasure. I personally wouldn't give up on him. I would stay friends and keep enjoying each other's company. He needs to get over his ex and my advise to you would be not to pressure him.

Whether you want to see other men is really up to you to decide. Whatever you feel comfortable with. There is no right or wrong answer here, as far as I can see.

Best of luck! I hope it all works out the way you want it.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #6  June 17,2009, 7:33am
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Kaitskate,

I did the same thing as your guy. I came out of a 9 yr marriage only to meet a wonderful girl about 2 months later. Things did get really steamy fast. She told me she wanted me to date some others but keep dating her so I could determine for sure if she was the one and only. Turned out she was. The whole time I was with the other girls all I could think about was her. I even caught myself trying to swing dance with girls that had no idea what was going on. Sure gave me some good laughs.

I would definitely hang in there with this guy. Depending on how hard his breakup was and how deep his love he may get all healed up faster than you think. Good luck
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #7  June 17,2009, 8:02am
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When his raw wounds are healed he will throw away his band-aid (you-Rebound girl). Don't waste your time fixing/healing him, you're not his nurse/therapist.He is in flux and no real relationship can develop. Besides, how available is he to give you what you need/want from a relationship? He will heal and move on and you will resent time wasted playing martyr Read this:http://advice.eharmony.com/article/4-signs-youre-a-rebound.html
Kaitskate wrote :
I have been seeing this great, nice and very honest guy since the end of May, so for a couple weeks now. We have had three amazing dates, the first one turned into a 9 hour epic. All of these first three dates occurred in the course of one week. This was his doing, not mine--he initiated each date. We have both been very open and honest with each other and we have each expressed that we are interested in the other person. Now this is where the catch comes in...he got out of a pretty serious one year relationship in April. Since our third date, it seems he has become scared. It is obvious that he is developing feelings for me, but is now saying that our "timing" may be off and that he may not really be ready to "jump back into something." When he told me this it caught me really off guard and I was shocked since things have been going so well.
We had a very long conversation about how he is still feeling "raw" from his last relationship and still needs some time to get his head in order, so he can fully commit to me. When we were talking about this he was nervous and anxious to hear what I had to say because either I was going to tell him it's done or that I was willing to hang in there for a little while. Well, I decided to hang in there and "see where things go", but at the same time he is not asking me to put my life on hold for him. The decision for me to wait for him, is my own and it was not something that he asked me to do. With this decision he said that it seems that we are both on the same page because he has confirmed to me that he is interested in dating me and that it is completely over with his ex. So for the time being I am giving him some space and some time and allowing him to set the tone aka letting him contact me. I feel that if he didn't care about me or wasn't really interested in me, he wouldn't have wasted his time having this conversation with me, he probably would have just said it's not working, I can't do this now, the end goodbye.
What it comes down to is that neither of us is willing to let what we have started just go and it seems hopeful that once he feels he is ready, things will be great.
I have talked to my friends about this and they think I am doing the right thing by taking a chance, but they also don't want me to get hurt.

I am just wondering if anyone has ever been in this situation?
 
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sexysmile is offline sexysmile Post #8  June 17,2009, 8:21am
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I will just put out some advice I was given when I just came out of my divorce.
"Date 10 people (men) then see how you feel." This coming from an older wiser person than I. I understand now what that person meant. It takes a lot of time of self focus.... to figure out life or a small part of it. Especially just out of a relationship. You have to figure out who you are... what you want out of life. Also, by dating ten people... it gives you that time, you get to enjoy life and explore different personalities etc.... It also give you a boundary.. to keep you from jumping into a relationship too quickly. I have seen too many people jump into a serious relationship right after a divorce etc... to regret it later.
I know this advice is sounding like it should be directed to the gentleman, but I think that if you think about this it might give you something to chew on as well.

Many Blessings!
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #9  June 17,2009, 9:33am
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You're the Rebound Girl, nothing more, nothing less. He might have 2-3 more of these. Let him go and have these, and you can go and meet other men.
 
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Kaitskate is offline Kaitskate Post #10  June 17,2009, 5:33pm
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Thank you all again for your replies--I appreciate the support from some of you!

I read the rebound article and I am pleased to report that my situation is in no way like this, my guy doesn't frequently talk about his ex, he can make decisions on his own and has done so several times in respect to our dates, there is no emotional wall with him because if there was he wouldn't have opened up to me to explain why he needs some time and he does not have any bitterness about women.

In thinking about it more, this time that he needs is probably healthy for both of us--gives us each time to get to know the other person better, instead of being caught up in a whirlwind of feelings. So although some of you don't approve, I think I am going to continue to hang.
 
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