Asking the right questions


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Shine4Him is offline Shine4Him Post #1  June 15,2009, 7:56pm
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It seems so far I've had a knack for finding the guys that start off sweet and kind, but then become critical and abusive after I've known them a year or two. I'm trying to figure out how I can identify these types from the get-go and avoid them, but it seems I'm not asking the right questions. "How do you act when you're angry?" is about all that eH offers. Guys, what would your suggestions be? How can I determine if someone is going to be controlling or disrespectful to women when they are not presenting that side of themselves at the beginning?
 
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Wootz is offline Wootz Post #2  June 15,2009, 8:27pm
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If you see signs of emotional immaturity, don’t ignore them. A man who is emotionally mature knows the difference between constructive criticism and abuse. There are books out there on this sort of thing. Someone else (IcecreamMoon perhaps?) may be able give you better direction.
 
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Squarf is offline Squarf Post #3  June 15,2009, 9:01pm
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Shine4Him -

This is a REALLY tough question. I honestly don't think there is any way to tell how a person will act a few years down the road....

That said, I would make sure to start defining what makes a man datable as "showing you respect". If he doesn't do that in the beginning, then he probably won't do it two years down the road.

I hope this might help a bit!
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #4  June 15,2009, 9:12pm
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I'd recommend you carefully observe how your date treats other people (besides you) with whom he has no 'agenda.'

The waiter, the janitor, the cleaning lady, the homeless person, the valet, etc. I always watch whether my date shows kindness and respect to everybody else, because to me, that means a lot.

I think it's less about talk (i.e., asking the 'right questions') and more about actions. Good luck!
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #5  June 15,2009, 9:15pm
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That is an interesting question because I can spot a controlling personality from a mile away. I will have to think about exactly what I pick up on & how to verbalize that.

The first thing that I can think of is some people have a habit of picking on the way that you do tasks & will show or tell you how it is supposed to be done.

Many other signs to come....
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  June 16,2009, 3:46am
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lacedwithhope wrote :
I'd recommend you carefully observe how your date treats other people (besides you) with whom he has no 'agenda.'

The waiter, the janitor, the cleaning lady, the homeless person, the valet, etc. I always watch whether my date shows kindness and respect to everybody else, because to me, that means a lot.

I think it's less about talk (i.e., asking the 'right questions') and more about actions. Good luck!
Hmmmm.......I've come across a couple of abuser in my life who were always extremely nice to everyone around them. They seemed highly empathetic and charitable, always charming to friends and co-workers, treating the waiters with respect and leaving large tips, etc. It was only when they would go home, that the monster would be let out of the closet onto their SO. When we discovered the abuse situation, it was a shock to everyone and hard to believe. So I don't think that how they treat others is necessarily a good measure - not very reliable.
 
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trackstar is offline trackstar Post #7  June 16,2009, 6:51am
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I agree with DancingFool, having known people like this myself. Many abusers are very good at manipulating their environments and keeping up appearances, but when things don't go according to the master plan, they sometimes reveal their true colors. If you have the opportunity, try to assess how your date deals with disappointment. Can they laugh it off and keep having a good time? Or can you discern anger? Hostility? A need for revenge? An inability to let it go? What happens when your date is driving and gets cut off? Or when the waitress spills water on him/her? Or somebody bumps into him/her?
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #8  June 16,2009, 6:57am
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DancingFool wrote :
Hmmmm.......I've come across a couple of abuser in my life who were always extremely nice to everyone around them. They seemed highly empathetic and charitable, always charming to friends and co-workers, treating the waiters with respect and leaving large tips, etc. It was only when they would go home, that the monster would be let out of the closet onto their SO. When we discovered the abuse situation, it was a shock to everyone and hard to believe. So I don't think that how they treat others is necessarily a good measure - not very reliable.

Yes, there are those, too. Married one, in fact.
(still think it's valuable to watch your date's behavior with others, though...)
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  June 16,2009, 7:05am
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I think that Laced has some good ideas though I will not disagree with Dancing as it is true that many manipulators are very good at maintaining control over themselves.

I think that you may be able to gain some clue to controllers if you try and take control of the date planning early on and observe his reaction. If he shows any indication that he is put off because you took initiative in leading the date then you are dealing with a control freak.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #10  June 16,2009, 7:09am
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Shine4Him

Here is a link that describes the different types of abusive behavior.
Abusive Behavior Checklist

I would watch closely to see if your guy is displaying any of these behaviors. If he is then I would run like mad. Good luck
 
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