Girl_Anachronism is offline Girl_Anachronism Post #1  June 15,2009, 10:07am
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I am by no means arrogant, because I don't flatter myself constantly. I know I'm physically appealing to a large demographic of people. And the people I know reinforce that, with their compliments. I have enough confidence to keep myself balanced, and we all should strive for that.

I also know that I have a brain inside this lovely head of mine. I like to think, to discuss, to contemplate and self reflect. I am constantly changing, with a goal of improving my and enriching my life, improving my mental well being, as well as those I hold close to me.

What I'd like to know is if I'm doing things wrong in the sense of whom I choose to date. I am picky, and I feel I have a right to be.

I know if I'm not physically attracted to someone, I'm not going to want to date them, or pursue a relationship with them. If I'm not satisfied, there's no point. But then again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and is an ever changing variable due to personal taste and opinion. I'm not attracted to the.."conventional" type of guy. Or maybe I'm just shallow.

But of course my choice is not limited to if they're eye candy. I'd like to find a man that thinks, that can challenge my intellect, as well as keep up with my wit. Someone who is articulate and can captivate me, someone who speaks with conviction.

I want to know if I'm being too picky. Is it possible to find someone attractive on multiple planes? Do I have high expectations which is hindering my search? Should I even be actively searching? Does the saying "You don't find love, love finds you." hold any truth?
 
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coffeegeek is offline coffeegeek Post #2  June 15,2009, 10:12am
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Girl_Anachronism wrote :
But of course my choice is not limited to if they're eye candy. I'd like to find a man that thinks, that can challenge my intellect, as well as keep up with my wit. Someone who is articulate and can captivate me, someone who speaks with conviction.
Hi. I'm right here. Wasn't that easy?

Seriously though, are you being too picky because you want a smart guy who sees you as a smart woman? Do you really need an answer or is this rhetorical and you're blowing off steam?

Either way, welcome to EHA.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #3  June 15,2009, 10:25am
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Girl_Anachronism, welcome to the eHarmony discussion boards.

I liked your post. There is nothing wrong with you wanting a man who is both attractive and intelligent, even if hypothetically you yourself don't possess both attributes. But consider the following scenarios:

1. He's attractive and intelligent, you're neither --> Don't get mad if he isn't interested in you.

2. He's attractive and intelligent, you're attractive but not intelligent --> Don't get mad if he isn't interested in you. Many guys would accept that woman if they put a premium on attraction, so sometimes women are caught off guard by a man who actually doesn't think looks are enough.

3. He's attractive and intelligent, you're intelligent but not attractive. This is the most common scenario I hear...women who "have it together" in terms of financial status, personality, intelligence, etc., but are turned down because of their looks. If you're looking for both attributes, don't be upset if he's looking for both as well.

In summary, your preferences are fine but they go both ways.

I think the problems come when people become selfish and hypocritical...they want more than what they can or are willing offer, and are upset when they are turned down for not offering enough.

I have also seen this argument waged on these discussion boards, where women are upset because men use physical attractiveness as a test of chemistry more than women do. My response to that has always been that if women required men to be more physically attractive, most guys would do everything they could to comply. But women don't do that. Men are generally led to believe that it is personality, assertiveness, and financial status that give us the best chance for success with women. And in many cases, the assertiveness and financial status will suffice. If little emphasis is placed on physical appearance, most men aren't going to put much effort into it. But then we are called hypocrites when we remain steadfast in our own physical preferences for women.

Curious to see how others will weigh in on the discussion.
Last edited by tbesq; June 15,2009 at 10:28am.
 
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txbubba is offline txbubba Post #4  June 15,2009, 10:26am

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what you want and what you get are two different things

being confident of yourself is one thing. being too confident of yourself... well, there's another word for that
 
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1passionatefem is offline 1passionatefem Post #5  June 15,2009, 10:47am
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I wanted it all to- an intelligent and attractive man with additional specific criteria. I was happy in my life single but there was something missing. At times my friends told me I was being to picky. But I knew if I settled for less than I wanted I would not be happy. It took me five years in the dating world to find my Mr. Right. Do not settle on major things that you are looking for-you will not be happy. He was worth the wait and I have never been more happy.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  June 15,2009, 10:51am
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What you want is not unreasonable, however.......grab a ticket and get in line. The kind of man that you want exists, but he has many many many options and choices and ultimately he will pick whoever he thinks is the complete package for him and only when he is ready to do so. That may or may not be you.

If you are not happy with that, then you'll have to compromise some of your wishes and start seeing different options. Or maybe what you really need to think about is where do the kind of men you like hang out????
 
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txbubba is offline txbubba Post #7  June 15,2009, 11:29am

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1passionatefem wrote :
I wanted it all to- an intelligent and attractive man with additional specific criteria. I was happy in my life single but there was something missing. At times my friends told me I was being to picky. But I knew if I settled for less than I wanted I would not be happy. It took me five years in the dating world to find my Mr. Right. Do not settle on major things that you are looking for-you will not be happy. He was worth the wait and I have never been more happy.
and that explains why you're still on here... ?
 
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wishamee is offline wishamee Post #8  June 15,2009, 11:39am
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I think I understand that you desire to meet a match who is both good looking and intellectually a match. Plus you are just recently out of high school or maybe haven't graduated yet. Am I right? Well, I'd say you are not too picky on the surface based on what you've said. But the guys/men you meet may be looking for the same thing and even with those two things going for each of you, you may not be a good match.

I think you shouldn't worry about finding "the one" so soon. But date people who are "kind of" in the ball park for now. You still have to get a job, and then a serious career started. You may even be going off to college or some other career builder. Have fun getting to know yourself as an adult interacting with other adults. You will get to know much more about what you want and don't want. I also think that you may realize there are many more elements to mutual attraction.

Adult responsibilities can really help you know more than you knew from school. Relax. There are lots of pretty girls and women out here as well as handsome smart guys who may exceed your initial standards. They will become good friends to be with, and may even bring you into new circles of challenge and happiness.

It is good to be positive about yourself, especially on days when you feel like you aren't having much luck meeting the right sort of guys (or ANY, lol). But I'll ask you to remember to be reasonably nice if you are turning other people down. They have hopeful hearts too. Good Luck!
Last edited by wishamee; June 15,2009 at 11:48am. Reason: To improve readability- made into paragraphs
 
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Czidvar is offline Czidvar Post #9  June 15,2009, 11:44am
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There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want. But as you said, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Of course you are already certain of your beauty. Is he? I am not saying you are lying, but at the same time what you think and the thoughts of people you know don't necessarily reflect what the intelligent guy of your dreams thinks. Both sides have to find what they want in each other.

I am not saying I am an intelligent, physically attractive man (I like to think I am at least ONE of those things) but my preferences? Sometimes a little strange. I like a woman around 5'5" - 5'11", dark hair and eyes, glasses a huge plus. I make exceptions on those things, but there is also a certain undefinable something in the women I find truly beautiful or sexy. I see it in overweight women, skinny women, athletic women, black women, indian women, asian women.... any "kind" of woman. I honestly cannot tell you what that singular thing is, but I know it when I see it. Attraction is not an exact science.

The same goes with intelligence. Worldly intellect is different from informational intellect. Somebody can just be overall intelligent but focuses on a few areas to hone. A mechanic may know a HELL of a lot about any kind of machine and how to fix it, but doesn't know where to find Texas on a map (thats an easy one, but this is just a for instance.) Not stupid.

Everything comes down to preference and you are absolutely welcome to yours. Only you can decide what things you are willing to compromise on. I hope you find him, but remember, you also have to be what he is looking for.
 
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Girl_Anachronism is offline Girl_Anachronism Post #10  June 15,2009, 1:01pm
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I love the feedback I'm getting thus far, very constructive and level headed.

I am a stubborn person naturally, I'm not sure if I'll be willing to compromise. I never want to feel like I'm settling, that just makes me feel like I had no choice in the first place.

And It's not a matter of rejection for my looks or intellect. That rarely happens, I don't initiate direct contact with someone, let alone with intent to flirt. Maybe because I'm that girl that doesn't notice the guys that check me out, so I don't even think anyone is interested. But if the guy's too shy to strike up conversation, then he's probably not my type anyway.

Thinking about it more and more, maybe I could make myself more approachable. I distance myself from people due to past experiences, it's the only way I've been able to survive in this three ring circus called dating.

When I look around locally, the men I meet come pre-jaded, don't believe in the concept of an exclusive relationship, but have no problem trying to get physical. I feel like monogamy and emotional intimacy are dead.
 
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