ecd3 is offline ecd3 Post #1  June 12,2009, 8:54pm
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What don't I get? A lot of things...haha. But for starters, what is the deal with the "cold shoulder" thing after a first date? I've gone out on about 4 first dates within the past few months, 3 of which from eharm. Most of these women (except for 1) shared their information with me, such as numbers and email and such. Then, after attempting to contact them...I get nothing. Phone calls go to voicemail, emails go unanswered. I am younger and maybe a little ignorant here, but is this really the norm? It's one thing to be told "sorry, I didn't feel the chemistry" but it's totally different to be lead on and then blown off like that.

I know, I have to be myself and just shrug off these people...but I joined online sites to meet someone, not to have my self-esteem grinded down. To be honest, I've been out of the "game" for about a year, and this isn't helping with the reason why I left the scene in the first place. The worst is I am very open about who I am and it's not like my pictures are misleading...so I just don't get it.

/rant
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #2  June 12,2009, 9:13pm
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I see that response as more specific to some people rather than the norm. Avoidance or hoping you'll get the idea indirectly is easier than them being direct.

Self-esteem is something that will fluctuate with life's events in regards to more than just dating. Try to find something positive you learned from the experience even if it is simply that it is time to look elsewhere.

It's not a bad thing to be open...in fact those that grow to love you will greatly appreciate it. However, that does lead to a certain level of vulnerability with new people. It's one of those things though that you have to risk your heart to trust someone.

Just keep looking and take breaks when you need to. Also try not to see the dates as someone leading you on as both of you are testing out the other like trying on new clothes. Sometimes a date fits and develops into a relationship...other times it's just an opportunity to define closer what we are looking for or what we don't want.

Good luck in your search!
 
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When_I_See_You_Smile is offline When_I_See_You_Smile Post #3  June 12,2009, 9:15pm
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Hi ecd3,

Welcome to the boards! I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing some frustration.

What you're describing is called "poofing," or disappearing without explanation. Unfortunately, this is a common occurrence in online dating. Lots of matches poof, often because they don't know how to tell you that they're not interested, they've met someone else, or they're just inconsiderate.

While it would be great to receive an explanation, that's not always going to happen. It's simply par for the course.

So, the best thing to do, is to grow a thick skin. Try not to take it personally, when a match poofs. Also, remember that it may take 6 months to a year to find a quality match.

The name of the game is persistence and patience.

One more thing, would you mind taking us through a typical first date with you? Explain in detail, exactly what you do, from start to finish. For example, what kinds of questions do you ask women, while on a date? This exercise may help us to pinpoint something else that may be going on, a behavior that you may need to work on.

All the best.

WISYS
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #4  June 13,2009, 3:08am
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ecd3,
Welcome to the EHadvice boards!

What you are experiencing is nothing new to the online dating scene. These people are referred to here as poofers. They disappear on you not just after one date but sometimes after 2-3 dates. You really have to feel pity for them as it appears they were never taught manners or etiquette by their parents so they end up being rude, crude and sociably unredeeming.

Try your best to enjoy your dates and don't let this poofing get you down. Good luck
 
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Ron is offline Ron Post #5  June 13,2009, 6:47am
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To echo what the previous posters have said, you're experiencing something that many (if not all) of us have experienced at one time or another. Some people are plain rude, while others prefer to just disappear ("they'll get the message") so as not to hurt feelings by saying they don't want to get together again.

Speaking for myself only, if there was no chemistry after the first date or two, I think the courteous thing to do is to drop a polite email and be up front about your intentions e.g., "I enjoyed meeting you - I don't feel we can progress from here - I wish you all the best." And in doing so, I'm certainly not stating, "You're not good enough for me" but instead explaining, "We're both good people, just not right for each other."

It's not a pleasant thing to digest, but in the big scheme of things, it's short-lived and we move on. I think being direct--versus pulling the cut-'n-run--is the dignified and respectful thing to do.
 
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sc4me is offline sc4me Post #6  June 13,2009, 9:11am
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Don't make eH your life. It's just "one" way to meet people. There are lots of others. I've had experiences ranging from the ridiculous to the sublime -- so has everyone else. It is VERY rare that someone joins eH and within a matter of the first few matches meets the love of their life. I'm not sure that has ever happened.

Keep hanging in there, don't invest too much personally in the outcome and see what happens.
 
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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #7  June 13,2009, 9:22am
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Around here it's called "poofing" as in "poof, they are gone". It's happened to many of us so you are in good company here! I used to let it get to me, now I just shrug it off. Really, we don't know these people, they are not significant in our lives so we shouldn't spend time agonising and wondering why. Perhaps they find it easier to just disappear than to articulate that the chemsitry isn't there.

Look at it this way, you will meet people who are attracted to you but you may not feel the same. It's not a reflection of them or you, just that you know that person is not right for you for whatever reason. And you'll deal with it in your particular way.

I know it is easy to become very focused on eh (or any dating site you care to name) but keep in mind that this is just one aspect of your life. And stay around the boards. I have found it immensely helpful to communicate with other singles going through the same issues.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #8  June 13,2009, 10:01am
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Welcome to the world of internet dating. Like the others said, 'You've been poofed'.

Maybe it's their age and maturity level. Maybe it's the socio-economic background of your matches that lends itself to treating people like that. Maybe they're just not that into you.

Internet matching is a numbers game. Resign yourself to understand that it's not uncommon to take ten or more tries before you meet the 'one'.

Happy hunting.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #9  June 13,2009, 10:11am
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Ron wrote :
To echo what the previous posters have said, you're experiencing something that many (if not all) of us have experienced at one time or another. Some people are plain rude, while others prefer to just disappear ("they'll get the message") so as not to hurt feelings by saying they don't want to get together again.

Speaking for myself only, if there was no chemistry after the first date or two, I think the courteous thing to do is to drop a polite email and be up front about your intentions e.g., "I enjoyed meeting you - I don't feel we can progress from here - I wish you all the best." And in doing so, I'm certainly not stating, "You're not good enough for me" but instead explaining, "We're both good people, just not right for each other."

It's not a pleasant thing to digest, but in the big scheme of things, it's short-lived and we move on. I think being direct--versus pulling the cut-'n-run--is the dignified and respectful thing to do.
Well said.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  June 13,2009, 5:29pm
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When_I_See_You_Smile wrote :
Hi ecd3,

Welcome to the boards! I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing some frustration.

What you're describing is called "poofing," or disappearing without explanation. Unfortunately, this is a common occurrence in online dating. Lots of matches poof, often because they don't know how to tell you that they're not interested, they've met someone else, or they're just inconsiderate.

While it would be great to receive an explanation, that's not always going to happen. It's simply par for the course.

So, the best thing to do, is to grow a thick skin. Try not to take it personally, when a match poofs. Also, remember that it may take 6 months to a year to find a quality match.

The name of the game is persistence and patience.

One more thing, would you mind taking us through a typical first date with you? Explain in detail, exactly what you do, from start to finish. For example, what kinds of questions do you ask women, while on a date? This exercise may help us to pinpoint something else that may be going on, a behavior that you may need to work on.

All the best.

WISYS
It has nothing to do with "online" dating. I wonder just how many guys you gave "your" number to when you met them in person. Only the number you gave was 8-6-7-5-3-0-9 (Jenny Jenny)
 
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