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sc4me is offline sc4me Post #1  June 12,2009, 6:42pm
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Or maybe not.

Went to OC with a woman very quickly and started talking on the phone. I drove to her town (2 hrs) last weekend just for lunch. Wed. I called and invited her to my town for the day Saturday. She told me last weekend that this was her weekend without her son.

Now, for 3 days she has been telling me she has not talked to the child's father so she doesn't know if she can come. Wanted to know if she could call me in the morning.

We get along great, but something doesn't seem quite right. Now maybe the visitation schedule is just fouled up or maybe she just puts things off until the last minute. The former I can understand, the latter I don't tolerate well.

I could have made plans to do something else but instead I am waiting for her to call her "ex."

In my gut I want to say that maybe she should not come because I feel like it was a bit rude to make me wait until the morning of .... and we most likely would not have gotten along. I don't have to plan things weeks in advance, but I would like a couple of days.

I saw her Sunday and called Wed. This isn't payback for waiting 3 days to call her is it? The conversations don't feel that way and she seems very open and honest so I have a hard time believing she is playing games.

But someone who is always making decisions on the spur of the moment or at the last minute will drive me crazy.
 
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singinggirl is online now singinggirl Post #2  June 12,2009, 8:28pm
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Don't be too hard on her until you know for sure. Sounds just like something my ex would do to me (and my kids). He has actually called to cancel before when we were packing for him to pick the kids up later that day. Also, one time he just never showed up at our pick-up point and didn't ever come to get the kids at all. When I called to see where he was, he insisted that it wasn't his weekend even though we had talked about it earlier in the week and he had told my daughter that he would see her that day.

Of course, OTOH she may be flaky!

By the way, if it is due to her ex, she is probably more frustrated than you...
 
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When_I_See_You_Smile is offline When_I_See_You_Smile Post #3  June 12,2009, 8:37pm
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Give her the benefit of the doubt -- this time! Also, if you're concerned about this being an example of her "normal way of operating," feel free to ask her about her schedule. Express your concern, see how she responds, and then make a decision you can live with.

Best of luck to you!

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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #4  June 13,2009, 12:40am

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I would have to give you a C or C+ in works and plays well with others.
When children and ex-mates are involved patience is required because there are factors (Spite, Anger,etc.) beyond your ability to control. I think that it was embarrassing for her to have to plan a 2nd date under those conditions. She's trying set things up so it will run smoothly her and her child.
But she was honest with you and did not bail out on you.

If her ex. does not show up or comes late? What does she do then? So don't take it personally and try to be understanding of her situation.

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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #5  June 13,2009, 2:50am
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sc4me wrote :
Or maybe not.




We get along great, but something doesn't seem quite right. Now maybe the visitation schedule is just fouled up or maybe she just puts things off until the last minute. The former I can understand, the latter I don't tolerate well.

I could have made plans to do something else but instead I am waiting for her to call her "ex."




But someone who is always making decisions on the spur of the moment or at the last minute will drive me crazy.
A lot of answers in your question.I agree that patience with kids is part of the package with some women. The lack of communication is between her and her ex , you are getting caught in the cross fire of their custody issues. Soon you will hear the drama of how unreliable he is etc. and she will expect you to "hurry up and wait", while they battle over visitation (and probably other things). This is the tip of the iceberg of this woman's messy divorce. Are you ready for that? how old are the kids? how long is she divorced? This will tell you how long this has been and will be going on.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  June 13,2009, 2:57am
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This is a situation where she is dependent on her ex to be a good human being and respond to her calls. If he does not for whatever personal issues and attititudes, she is essentially stuck and by default so are you. Either you can be tolerant and understanding of that or not.

Also, I would think if for now you are patient and in the relationship moves forward to where you meet her kids and all of you doing things together is not an issue, things will probably become easier as at that point it won't matter so much whether the ex picks up the kids or not.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #7  June 13,2009, 3:23am
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I’d also suggest giving her the benefit of the doubt on this one as well. Even if it ends up that she can’t make it, I wouldn’t necessarily jump to the conclusion that this means there is “drama” with the ex and visitation, or that her scheduling is always going to be unreliable.

Every person is different, as is every situation. Doesn’t sound as if you know her well enough yet to know exactly what her situation might be, so I wouldn’t assume anything here.

Maybe the boy’s father drops out of visitation at the last minute causing her to cancel plans all the time: maybe she is a last minute planner herself; or maybe there is occasion where his work schedule dictates that the visitation schedule has to be altered a bit without prior notice; maybe the boys father has been sick the past week (or ongoing) and is waiting to see how he feels before they decide whether the boy will stay with mom or dad for the weekend; maybe, maybe, maybe…

This “last minute” could be an all the time kind of thing, or a one time kind of thing. Why jump the gun and assume anything (rude, playing games) or make any kind of decision about her without really know what the deal is? At least wait and see a bit, maybe. Like with so many other issues brought up on these boards, what exactly is the rush?
 
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sc4me is offline sc4me Post #8  June 13,2009, 4:15am
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Thanks. All good points. Reading the answers I suspect it is a little bit of both, but I can see now how she may be held somewhat hostage by her "ex" and his schedule and she has adopted the routine of, "I have to wait until he decides what he is going to to do."

If that is the case I can be empathetic. She has only one child -- 12 year old son. He is a landscaper with a funny schedule. They share custody, but my "impression" is that there is no fixed schedule.

I think giving her the benefit of the doubt is the right thing to do for now. I will say this though, last weekend when we met she confessed that when I arrived and called her that she had not even taken a shower. I waited 45 minutes for her to meet me. She also told me that this was "his" weekend implying that she would be free. Still, that might have been hopeful thinking on her part.

So maybe it is a little of both, but being constantly late (not once or twice or just a few minutes) is a pet peeve of mine.

I asked her to let me know by 8:30 - 9 a.m. this morning. So we will see.
Last edited by sc4me; June 13,2009 at 4:19am.
 
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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #9  June 13,2009, 4:19am
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I'm in agreement with everyone else here. If she cannot rely on her ex to stick to the arranged schedule for any reason, it may be impossible for her to make concrete plans. Hopefully, things will all work out well and you can maybe ask about how her schedule works so that you can figure out if it is an unreliable ex or she is a last minute planner.

As for delaying as payback for you taking 3 days to call, I hope not. I've always advocated that it is just as easy for us women to pick up the phone and call.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #10  June 13,2009, 4:28am
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sc4me wrote :
Thanks. All good points. Reading the answers I suspect it is a little bit of both, but I can see now how she may be held somewhat hostage by her "ex" and his schedule and she has adopted the routine of, "I have to wait until he decides what he is going to to do."

If that is the case I can be empathetic. She has only one child -- 12 year old son. He is a landscaper with a funny schedule. They share custody, but my "impression" is that there is no fixed schedule.

I think giving her the benefit of the doubt is the right thing to do for now. I will say this though, last weekend when we met she confessed that when I arrived and called her that she had not even taken a shower. I waited 45 minutes for her to meet me. She also told me that this was "his" weekend implying that she would be free. Still, that might have been hopeful thinking on her part.

So maybe it is a little of both, but being constantly late (not once or twice or just a few minutes) is a pet peeve of mine.

I asked her to let me know by 8:30 - 9 a.m. this morning. So we will see.
Ok, now that you've added more information, I kind of take back what I said above then... any parent who is in this kind of visitation situation with their ex knows the deal then. It is what it is, and they're either going to continue to allow the last minute to interfere in their own personal life OR they will have (long ago) set up a "Plan B" for themselves in case the ex doesn't follow through (for whatever reason.

Ahh see, this is where I get all opinionated about single (mothers) who complain that men don't give them a fair shake and don't understand the "difficulties of dating". In the above scenario, if the woman had a Plan B and made alternate arrangements for her son on the off-chance the father couldn't pick him up, then made a concrete date with OP when he asked her out and followed through considering it is HER weekend - there would be no difficulty here. Simple.

See how this morning pans out with her, but still be prepared to say "Next!" from how it all is sounding, imo.
 
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