e-Harmony Blues, Missing Chemistry


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GreatGuy38 is offline GreatGuy38 Post #1  June 12,2009, 11:50am

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Has one anyone seen where the chemistry went? I swear it was there just a moment ago…

About two months ago, I had the pleasure of meeting really pleasant women through e-Harmony. We went out on multiple dates (at least nine or more). We went out to restaurants, on hikes, and all sorts of fun activities. I thought we were commutating well, and together slowly building the foundation for a deeper relationship. Her childhood was very difficult and she impressively has overcome many barriers to accomplish many great things. It’s not too often you hear about a single mother of eighteen who was married to twenty-seven year old man, who after separating, is able to complete her degree, and go on to graduate school, eventually allowing her to establish her own practice. I too have overcome many barriers; I’m back in the dating game, after an absence of several years when I was in a severe mountaineering accident. My life also has had its share of past tragedies and triumphs. Honestly, someone’s past really doesn’t concern me, as long as I/we are doing the best we can to come to make an ongoing peace with it.

This past weekend was her birthday, and she invited me to spend it with some of her friends in a nearby casino town. Earlier in the day, I had arranged to have flowers sent to her work. After work we drove to the casino and checked into the hotel. We were going to share a room with her friends. Prior to her friends arrival (this was the first time I met her friends) she was lying on top of me on the bed and we were kissing and caressing one another. At this point we had not been intimate in our relationship, and since we were sharing a room, I felt that it was unlikely that would occur. This was fine by me; all I really wanted to do is participate in a way so that she could enjoy her birthday.

After her friends arrived, I brought out some champagne to share with everyone. I had a moment to meet her friends and they were cool and friendly people. By now, a few glasses of Champaign have been consumed. She began announce to her friends how awesome I am for sending her flowers, what incredible arms I have and they should see them, how thoughtful I am, and that she gets aroused when she’s been drinking. This was the first time I had ever been around her when she’s been drinking. She seems pretty jovial. Next all of us went out gambling and dancing. She was very affectionate, more kissing, touching and so-on. Later she would start feeling a little nauseated, and was warned by the dealer several times to stop cursing. We got something to eat and then went back to the room.

Back in the room with her friends, she changed her clothes, came to bed and with her head on my chest instantly fell asleep. I stayed up a little longer holding her and watching television.

What remained of the night quickly passed. About six hours later she gets up, uses the bathroom, and I hand her a bottle of water and she lies down again. After an hour or so, we all get up and go to breakfast, and begin the two-hour drive back home. The drive back is quite, I though it was because we all were really tired and not feeling so great. After dropping off her friends, I’m back at her house.

Once inside I hear the dreaded words “there’s something I need to talk about with you.” I literally feel a god-awful sinking feeling going on inside of me. Next she said that she doesn’t think there is any chemistry between us and that I how she felt I have stronger feelings for her than she does for me and that she doesn’t want to lead me on. My brain seized, the best I can get out of my swollen throat is that I thought things were going well between us and that we were really getting to know one another. She told me after this trip, she had reached the conclusion that the chemistry just isn’t there and that by now she needs to feel something, and that with her busy schedule, while on one hand she wants to take things slowly, on the other she desires to be in a relationship, and that she always has a good time with me, but there is nothing there, but that I’m one of the most kindest, thoughtful, caring guy she has ever dated. With my head spinning, I make a similar statement how I thought were getting to know one another. I’ll be the first to admit, I really wish that I had been somehow able to muster up the capacity for a conversation, but at that moment I just couldn’t.

Then she told me how she always has a great time when were together and that hopefully we would be able to continue to do so. At this point, I replied ultimately that is her decision, and that I’ll see her, and walked out the door.

Damn, that was painful. It was almost as if something had frightened her, some switch was been flicked, a decision was made, and that was it. I’m struggling to see how our prior interactions would ultimately lead to deciding the value of our relationship (no-less any relationship), based on a less than eighteen hour trip most of which was spent under the influence of alcohol. It’s been a week and I have not spoken with her since. I thought the chemistry was there, but now it’s gone…..

I’m definitely interested in hearing anyone’s thoughts.
Last edited by GreatGuy38; June 12,2009 at 12:21pm. Reason: Typos
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #2  June 12,2009, 11:56am
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GreatGuy38, welcome to the eHarmony discussion boards.

Could you do us a favor and break your post down into paragraphs? It's pretty lengthy, and I think it will be easier for everyone. Thanks!
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #3  June 12,2009, 12:12pm
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She's just not that into you.
 
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GreatGuy38 is offline GreatGuy38 Post #4  June 12,2009, 12:17pm

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Sure, I'm new to this system, and still trying to figure it out.
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #5  June 12,2009, 12:19pm
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GreatGuy38 wrote :
Has one anyone seen where the chemistry went? I swear it was there just a moment ago…
About two months ago, I had the pleasure of meeting really pleasant women through e-Harmony. We went out on multiple dates (at least nine or more). We went out to restaurants, on hikes, and all sorts of fun activities. I thought we were commutating well, and together slowly building the foundation for a deeper relationship. Her childhood was very difficult and she impressively has overcome many barriers to accomplish many great things. It’s not too often you hear about a single mother of eighteen who was married to twenty-seven year old man, who after separating, is able complete her degree, and go on to graduate school, which eventually allowed her to establish her own practice. I too have overcome many barriers; I’m back in the dating game, after an absence of several years when I due to a severe mountaineering accident. My life also has had its share of past tragedies and triumphs. Honestly, someone’s past really doesn’t concern me, as long as I/we are doing the best we can to come to make an ongoing peace with it.
This past weekend was her birthday, and she invited me to spend it with some of her friends in a nearby casino town. Earlier in the day, I had arranged to have flowers sent to her work. After work we drove to the casino and checked into the hotel. We were going to share a room with her friends. Prior to her friends arrival (this was the first time I met her friends) she way lying on top of me on the bed kissing and caressing one another. At this point we had not been intimate in our relationship, and since we were sharing a room, I felt that it was unlikely that would occur. This was fine by me; all I really wanted to do is participate in a way so that she could enjoy her birthday. A few minutes later, after her friends arrived, I brought out some champagne to share with everyone. I had a moment to meet her friends and they were cool and friendly people. By now, a few glasses of Champaign have been consumed. She began announce to her friends how awesome I am for sending her flowers, what incredible arms I have and they should see them, how thoughtful I am, and that she gets aroused when she’s been drinking. This was the first time I had ever been around her when she’s been drinking. She seems pretty jovial. Next all of us went out gambling and dancing. She was very affectionate, more kissing, touching and so-on. Later she would start feeling a little nauseated, and was warned by the dealer several times to stop cursing. We got something to eat and then went back to the room. Back in the room with her friends, she changed her clothes, came to bed and with her head on my chest instantly fell asleep. I stayed up a little longer holding her and watching television.
What remained of the night quickly passed. About six hours later she gets up, uses the bathroom, and I hand her a bottle of water and she lies down again. After an hour or so, we all get up and go to breakfast, and begin the two-hour drive back home. The drive back is quite, I though it was because we all were really tired and not feeling so great. After dropping off her friends, I’m back at her house. Once we get inside I hear the dreaded words “there’s something I need to talk about with you.” I literally feel a god-awful sinking feeling going on inside of me. Next she said that she doesn’t think there is any chemistry between us and that I how she felt I have stronger feelings for her than she does for me and that she doesn’t want to lead me on. My brain seized, the best I can get out of my swollen throat is that I thought things were going well between us and that we were really getting to know one another. She told me after this trip, she had reached the conclusion that the chemistry just isn’t there and that by now she needs to feel something, and that with her busy schedule, while on one hand she wants to take things slowly, on the other she desires to be in a relationship, and that she always has a good time with me, but there is nothing there, but that I’m one of the most kindest, thoughtful, caring guy she has ever dated. With my head spinning, I make a similar statement how I thought were getting to know one another. I’ll be the first to admit, I really wish that I had been somehow able to muster up the capacity for a conversation, but at that moment I just couldn’t. The she told me how she always has a great time when were together and that hopefully we would be able to continue to do so. At this point, I replied ultimately that is her decision, and that I’ll see her, and walked out the door.
Damn, that was painful. It was almost as if something had frightened her, some switch was been flicked, a decision was made, and that was it. I’m struggling to see how our prior interactions would ultimately lead to deciding the value of our relationship (no-less any relationship), based on a less than eighteen hour trip most of which was spent under the influence of alcohol. It’s been a week and I have not spoken with her since. I thought the chemistry was there, but now it’s gone…..
I’m definitely interested in hearing anyone’s thoughts.
Hmmmm....interesting post.

Though it is difficult to understand how chemistry can be 'lost' so quickly, it does happen. Which is why I don't use 'chemistry' as the 'end all/be all' meter as to how I measure compatibility. Sometimes it can steer me wrong, and I wind up with a man that is great at 'bells and whistles' but not much substance.

She is gone...and you will move on and meet a woman that will appreciate you. That's just life....

BTW: Welcome to the boards!
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #6  June 12,2009, 12:28pm
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It sounds that the chemistry wasn't there for her. In your defense, it seemed that she liked you and really wanted something to come of it and gave the relationship an opportunity by opening herself up to it. But it does come to a point when you realize that nothing is there.

Look at it this way. She gave you a shot. It seemed she really tried, but felt she was spinning her wheels and could not continue. Instead of wondering where the chemistry went, hold your head high and respect the fact that she went as far as she did to find and capture a spark between you two. How many people can honestly say they would do that for someone they didn't feel a "spark" for.
 
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GreatGuy38 is offline GreatGuy38 Post #7  June 12,2009, 12:34pm

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I guess where I gotconfused is that based on her actions, I thought something was there. We have so many things in common. And the abrupt switch confused me.
 
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blrdancer is offline blrdancer Post #8  June 12,2009, 12:39pm
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I think she's probably telling the truth when she says the chemistry isn't there ... it isn't something that disappeared or anything you did wrong - it just wasn't ever there.

I think this problem comes up numerous times on these boards - with varying opinions. For example, if a guy/girl goes out on a first date with someone and doesn't feel any chemistry -- what should they do? About half say they end it right there, the other half say you need to give it "time to develop". And then it becomes a question of, how much time do you give it?

In this case, she gave it two months -- a little too long in my opinion, but to each their own. Just time to move on to someone else.
 
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GreatGuy38 is offline GreatGuy38 Post #9  June 12,2009, 12:50pm

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Thanks for the reply. Up until this point she has been discussing future plans for us. She wanted me to take her backpacking. Ultimately you're correct. For better or worse it’s over. Some of my friends feel that I need to discuss things further with her. I'm ambivalent, and am not in any hurry to do so. Thoughts?
 
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Jato87 is offline Jato87 Post #10  June 12,2009, 1:12pm
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GreatGuy38 wrote :
Thanks for the reply. Up until this point she has been discussing future plans for us. She wanted me to take her backpacking. Ultimately you're correct. For better or worse it’s over. Some of my friends feel that I need to discuss things further with her. I'm ambivalent, and am not in any hurry to do so. Thoughts?

There's always the chance that she met someone else. That would explain why she broke it off surprisingly after discussing and planning future activities. Hurts, but we've all been there.
 
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