Dating/Relationship Deal Breaker?


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loislane is offline loislane Post #1  June 11,2009, 10:30am
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I'm new to eH and back in the dating pool after a 10 year relationship.
I did the whole profile thing and even though I've gotten just about zero interest, I'm hopeful I will at least get a request for communication someday soon.
Here's the thing. I have a child who is adopted and I want more children, but want to adopt them as well. I didn't include this in my profile because, well, that seems a shade heavy for a "nice to meet you let me introduce myself" moment.
But that brings up a couple of concerns.
A: When do I bring this up? It is sort of important.
B: Is this a relationship deal breaker?
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #2  June 11,2009, 10:34am
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A. Bring it up after you've been on at least one date with a match, or if he brings it up. Not a hard and fast rule, but I think that's a subject that's more appropriate for a face-to-face conversation.

B. Not necessarily a universal dealbreaker. I think what's important is that you mesh well with your match. If the man wants to be with you, he's more likely to be open to your relationship and parenting goals.
 
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coffeegeek is offline coffeegeek Post #3  June 11,2009, 10:39am
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loislane wrote :
I'm new to eH and back in the dating pool after a 10 year relationship.
I did the whole profile thing and even though I've gotten just about zero interest, I'm hopeful I will at least get a request for communication someday soon.
Here's the thing. I have a child who is adopted and I want more children, but want to adopt them as well. I didn't include this in my profile because, well, that seems a shade heavy for a "nice to meet you let me introduce myself" moment.
But that brings up a couple of concerns.
A: When do I bring this up? It is sort of important.
B: Is this a relationship deal breaker?
A: I'd wait till open communication and even then, I'd start slowly like going back and forth for a few messages, then throw out the "what do you think about kids", then when they respond, let them know how you feel. Hopefully you're not too shy about addressing why you want to adopt over having them yourself, because I'm sure that will come up.

B: Not for "the one" it won't be.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #4  June 11,2009, 10:47am
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Depending on your "want children" setting, don't be surprised to get the question, "How many children would you like?" (This is one of the available short answer questions.)
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  June 11,2009, 11:09am
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Save it for when you've met and gone out on a date or two before jumping on kids topics. First you need to know that you are actually interested enough in each other to want to date. Otherwise it's a moot topic. Also, if you start talking about kids before he even decided that he is interested in you, I would imagine it would cause a knee jerk reaction in most men - it's just premature.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #6  June 11,2009, 11:24am

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personally, I think I would put that in the "about me" section. It would not be the first sentence, or in the first paragraph. It would be toward the end.

Its all in "how you say it" but I don't think its scary for a site like eharmony. Its part of who you are and your future goals, which a like minded person will appreciate knowing.

I'm a veteran of this place...haha. You come to a point where, why waste your time with people who are not on the same page as you? This is eharmony.

If it were match.com....or a site that is geared more toward just meeting new people, then I might not mention it, but I also have different expectations of most of the people I meet from those sites, unless we both seem to be on the same page of pursusing something more serious right off the bat.
 
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wishamee is offline wishamee Post #7  June 11,2009, 11:47am
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M: Do you have any kids?
You, LoisLane : Yes I have 1 adopted child. And I would like to have more someday. How about you?
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #8  June 11,2009, 1:38pm

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Hi Loislane,

Our research has shown that family goals are enormously impactful to the satisfaction and longevity of a relationship.

Being aware of the level of importance of your wish to adopt more children might help inform you as to when you should share this information with your matches. For example, if it would deeply disappoint you that your partner wasn’t open to or excited about adopting, it might be a good idea to mention it on your About Me page. If you are tentative or your heart isn’t set on it, you might explore it with your matches at a later stage.

You are right that it may very well be a deal-breaker for some matches, but if it is very important to you, your enthusiasm on your About Me page will help your perfect match identify you sooner.

Though it’s a personal topic, it’s quite normal in the context of eHarmony to talk about subjects about relationships and family on your About Me page.

All the best,

~Kate
eHarmony Advice Host
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #9  June 11,2009, 3:42pm
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In my opinion, this is a topic that belongs in your profile, though narrowly.
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Spami is offline Spami Post #10  June 11,2009, 7:15pm
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I am a mother and mention my son a few times in my profile to get the point across that I have a son so that there are no surprises later on. Maybe you could say something like; " I have a wonderful adopted child, and would love to adopt another later on in life" It lets potentials know that one, you have a child, and two, you would like to adopt later on, but doesn't sound so "in your face". Hope that kind of helps!
 
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