He seemed so promising, and then....


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yeoww is offline yeoww Post #1  June 10,2009, 6:51pm
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wishes you all the very best!

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I've been talking with someone long-distance since late March, and we were talking about his coming to see me. I'd even posted a few days ago about whether or not I should offer to shoulder some of the costs or not:

http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...tml#post634526 (Are women who share costs devalued by men?)

Three days ago we had this long conversation about how you really don't get to know someone until you've experienced adverse conditions with him or her (disagreements, differences of opinion, sickness, economic downturns...I added camping to the list ) We talked about how it's important to resolve differences with respect....etc...

Unfortunately, his actions didn't match his words. Oddly enough, that same night we had a difference of opinion that turned into a (I thought) minor disagreement. I thought we were talking it out when he abruptly said he wanted to get off the phone. He's never been abrupt and I was taken aback so I commented about his tone in what (I thought) was a non-judgmental, gathering-information kind of way. He still signed off, though. The next day I e-mailed him a "hey, what's up?" message and received a defensive, angry, "no thanks, good luck and take care" e-mail in reply. Unwilling to believe that he'd actually cut off a promising contact over something so minor, I called - he didn't answer.

Later on, just to further torture myself, I checked - and he was online at the dating site where we met.



All I can think is, something I said touched a nerve. Or, he was trying to find a way to back out of coming? Either way, I'm glad I found this out about him before I became more involved. It's SO disappointing, though. Part of me wants to just give up on dating at my age - this is the first guy who's caught my eye for any length of time since I started dating about a year ago - but I know that to retreat is to sell myself short by expecting less of life, and that I'm just not willing to do. And it doesn't matter how much time one spends getting to know someone - surprises can always crop up.

Has anyone else experienced something similar - spending time getting to know someone and then being completely blindsided? Share, share!
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #2  June 10,2009, 7:03pm

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I do not really have anything to share except empathy. Don't let it get you down, Yeoww! I think this happens not just in dating. It takes awhile to get to know someone and you think you have someone figured out pretty well and then bam! they do something that seems at odds with the idea you had in your head.

And whether you hit a nerve or he was looking for an excuse, I think you got off pretty easily since now you at least know his mettle.

Hang in there!
 
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singinggirl is online now singinggirl Post #3  June 10,2009, 7:20pm
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I'm sorry this happened to you, yeoww! I had a similar thing happen. I spent time communicating with a guy on another site after he initiated contact and we had a really nice loooong phone conversation where we made a date for the following weekend, again initiated by him. I hung up the phone and went to bed. Turned on my computer the next day and he had closed me out! I thought we had good conversations via email and telephone with only slight, unimportant differences, but apparently he thought differently. Oh, well!

Don't give up! It can be frustrating, but I truly believe the right one is out there!
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #4  June 10,2009, 8:08pm
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It is so complicated, ya'll, and it doesn't even have to be.

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I kinda have an experience that similiar. I'll try to make it brief and to the point. I was seeing this guy who went into super fast mode from when we first met. It was a little flattering the attention he was giving to me, but mostly it was overwhelming. And I told him as much. I thought he was wanting to move way too fast for having just met.

Well, it went on this way for weeks. Let me add here that from day one I explained that I have a hectic schedule and had made committments that could not be broken prior to meeting him. I was on the road a lot for both business and pleasure, but told him that it would slow down in a couple of months. He bellyached about it a lot but said he understood. (Until he would bring it up again the next night.)

So one day, he wanted to give me a gift, a cellphone that I would have to help pay the bill. Well, I already had a phone and a plan, but he wanted me to have the phone because we were with different companies, and he didn't have a lot of daytime minutes. He figured if I was on his plan we would have free mobile to mobile. I didn't want his phone because 1. I had plenty of minutes if I wanted to call. 2. His carrier didn't pick up well in my area. 3. I already carried more than one phone (for work) and didn't really want to be responsible for him. Besides, all I could think of when he was trying to push it on me was a Judge Judy case waiting to happen. And I also didn't want to take on an unnecessary bill. So, I said thanks but no thanks.

Well, he got ticked. I knew he was angry, but I didn't know how angry. I thought it was a stupid argument. He was also a drinker which I overlooked because I'm a social drinker myself. But he drank alone and a lot daily, and although he never admitted to alcoholism, it was evident that it had caused him problems in the past. But I tried not to judge.

He would get wasted and then the next day claim not to have remember the argument. (I know blackouts are real, but I just didn't believe that what was going on with him. Sounded more like selective forgetting.) And he claimed to have forgotten about the argument with the phone until a couple days later when once again he was trying to pawn it off on me. He was going to go ahead and add me to the contract at the store. Only he couldn't remember a key piece of info that the store needed. When he called, I kinda teased him about being so forgetful, and as a way to not having him complete the form, told him he would have to remember on his own.

That night he seemed fine, and I started to think to myself, maybe he was right about me being too cautious and closed. He always accused me of staying in my head too much and overthinking things. So, I decided to go along with him. As past of it, he had asked me to do something.

As I was about to do it, I called him to get specifics. His words to me were "Why don't you just hold off on that?" I was so shocked, because it was a complete 360. Then, it came out that I had teased him for forgetting. But that was the excuse. He was ticked about the phone. We ended up hanging up angry and didn't talk for about 2 weeks. I thought we both just needed to cool off. Finally, I gave in and called. The man who had proclaimed to have loved me wildly and felt that I was the woman he wanted to marry claimed that didn't recognize my voice or remember who I was. He claimed to not to have remembered the argument and didn't know why we had stopped talking. My number already was deleted from his phone.

I was ticked, but not at him. At myself, because I knew better. I had always known better. I'd seen the signs, and I don't know why I decided not to trust myself and to trust him. So, I told im to have a drink on me and a nice life.
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #5  June 10,2009, 9:05pm
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CreolePrincess wrote :
...I started to think to myself, maybe he was right about me being too cautious and closed. He always accused me of staying in my head too much and overthinking things. ...
It's been my experience that when people do this, it's usually because you are 'calling them' on behavior which is unhealthy and/or inappropriate, that they don't want to take responsibility for. You know, 'the best defense is a good offense,' etc. I had a new relationship 'implode' recently too due to his entanglements with a crazy ex-, etc.

I'm sorry to you and the OP for what you've gone through. I know, it feels awful. But we learn some things about ourselves along the way.
Last edited by lacedwithhope; June 10,2009 at 9:07pm.
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #6  June 10,2009, 10:22pm
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Overall I'd say you want to date someone that is emotionally stable. What I mean is someone who doesn't overreact to little things. So a little disagreement, that's not a reason to shut someone out.

But maybe that's not the real reason for what happened to yeoww. Rather, I think he just found an excuse to bail out. A lot of people online are just flirting. They could already be in a relationship, or they're just playing around fishing for attention, or they are reclusive and afraid of starting something real.

Regardless of the reason, flakey people are a waste of time for those who are actually ready and able to date. With online dating, I've found it's important to keep a sense of perspective on things until you've met in person. In so many threads it's been said over and over again, you don't even begin to really know each other until you spend some time face to face.

Finally, distance relationships? Yea they can work out, but why choose to start dating someone with such an obstacle? New relationships are fragile and distance can easily cause them them to fall apart.

Just my 2cents.
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #7  June 10,2009, 10:50pm
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I think you are right that he took a minor disagreement personally. It's a great disappointment but probably a good thing to see before a visit.

Being able to disagree completely or to compromise are important in a relationship. Finding a mate that is capable of this is a must.

It sounds to me that you had a very serious conversation that probably hit one of his insecurities. We all have them but most emotionally stable people will inform you or take some time to sort things out...not disappear into the sunset.

Finding that needle in a haystack that is right for you is a challenge. However, even though this last one showed great potential...there was something missing. It simply could have been as simple as the distance got to him.

The important thing is to realize that as human...you're not in someone's mind to know or predict the reason. As you get to know someone...you will have a good guess...but it's still a guess even with those you've known for years.

Take the break that is right for you but don't give up over finding a bad apple. Happiness has no age limit....people find the right one for them at different stages of their life.
 
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ThePriestess is online now ThePriestess Post #8  June 10,2009, 11:56pm
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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #9  June 11,2009, 3:19am
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I am sorry you have had to deal with this, Yeoww, but as others have said, at least you know now rather than further down the road.

I had a similar experience recently. I met a guy for a first date after great phone conversations. Finally, I thought I was communicating and meeting someone with promise. I emailed to thank him and got the response "I really enjoyed meeting you. You are a really neat person. The conversation was great, we share many interests and we have a lot in common. I'm just not ready for a relationship right now. My personal and professional life are too busy but lets stay in touch and perhaps meet again". Uh yeah, so why are you on a dating site?

Next!
 
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sc4me is offline sc4me Post #10  June 11,2009, 3:59am
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lacedwithhope wrote :
It's been my experience that when people do this, it's usually because you are 'calling them' on behavior which is unhealthy and/or inappropriate, that they don't want to take responsibility for. You know, 'the best defense is a good offense,' etc. I had a new relationship 'implode' recently too due to his entanglements with a crazy ex-, etc.

I'm sorry to you and the OP for what you've gone through. I know, it feels awful. But we learn some things about ourselves along the way.
I agree with you in this case, but otherwise you are overgeneralizing. One of the main impediments early in a relationship is the ying and yang of one person moving too quickly and another moving too slowly. For example, I recently had been communicating with a match in OC. We had been communicating for 3 weeks through eH email. There were approximately 35+ emails.

Several times I offered my phone number and email address and each time she ignored it. I'm not one for endlessly emailing and I explained that after 35+ emails I hoped she felt comfortable enough to call me - even if she blocked caller ID.

She did not and kept putting it off.

I finally closed the match.

The parting comments were not too friendly either. I believed she was being way too cautious and she admitted as much (her friends had told her so) but she was not willing to take a risk. When I told her that she talked about "duplicity" in my comments which I told her sounded like she was looking for a problem rather than just relaxing and let things flow.

Now obviously this person had something happen to her and I'm not judgmental, but we had the choice (actually she closed the match now that I think about it) to continue to move things along or stay stuck.

See, I believe that sometimes, some people, are better off single. They have issues, baggage, or their life just does not allow enough room for another person. It might be caution or it might just be keeping others at bay ... so to speak so as to not reveal anything. Again, no judgment implied that is the choice some people make.

But if you are going to come onto a dating site and communicate with people be ready to get to know them and to take a chance.

In this case, the comment probably was a warning sign because the flip side is that a user/abuser will say "you are being too cautious" to get into a relationship that is unhealthy. With the drinking issue this person most likely did the right thing.

But lets not take that and overgeneralize either way.
 
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