verylibra is offline verylibra Post #1  June 9,2009, 2:24pm
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I finally figured something out today about myself. I won't even start any relationships because of how painful it has been to get out of the ones that have failed. It took so long and was so unpleasant to get out of my marriage. I'm not at all sure how to deal with this. I'm so afraid of getting trapped again.

From a man's prospective, I probably appear to be aloof. I'm not at all. After one breakup, I didn't even talk to men for almost two years. Just didn't have it in me. As soon as I put myself out there again, I met another man who captured my heart. He was everything I wanted in a man except that he was a real player. When I broke up with him, I think it may have hurt him (he made several comments to the fact). But he didn't make me feel secure in the relationship at all.

He's now married to a much younger, successful, gorgeous woman. We attend many of the same parties. I see him staring at me frequently. He's put himself in close proximity to me many times which makes me so uncomfortable.

How do all of you find it in you to pick yourselves up and dust yourselves off and try again? Right now, I'm going about all of this very half heartedly. I need a fresh attitude about dating and possibly falling in love again.
 
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txbubba is offline txbubba Post #2  June 9,2009, 2:31pm

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basically if someone doesn't want me, my attitude is "you still here? go away. don't let the door hit you in the...."
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #3  June 9,2009, 3:06pm
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When I got divorced we had been married for about 9 years. All through the marriage she cheated on me. When confronted with this she would say it will never happen again. Although the divorce was completely settled before going to court, it was not easy. Before I got her to see reason she decided she was going to do just like a divorced friend of hers and take me to the cleaners. Even after the divorce she could not leave me alone. She found some way to mess with me, ususally involving the kids. Needless to say I did not feel like dating much less getting remarried for a long time. Long time being almost 6 years.

Sometimes after a divorce a person just does not want to date because of the pain inflicted during and after the marriage. Some people get over this relative easily while others take much longer to see light at the end of the tunnel. The second girl I dated after my divorce turned out to be another cheater. Although she was single she was committing adultry on a regular basis. I thank God that I did not get involved with her.

Once you heal up I think you will find love. Good luck
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  June 9,2009, 3:20pm
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verylibra wrote :
How do all of you find it in you to pick yourselves up and dust yourselves off and try again?

Pretty much the same way I get up and go to work each day, when yesterday was terrible.
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When_I_See_You_Smile is offline When_I_See_You_Smile Post #5  June 9,2009, 4:07pm
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Happy New Year, Everyone! :)

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[QUOTE=D_Lion;637357]Pretty much the same way I get up and go to work each day, when yesterday was terrible.
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #6  June 9,2009, 4:34pm
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verylibra wrote :
I finally figured something out today about myself. I won't even start any relationships because of how painful it has been to get out of the ones that have failed. It took so long and was so unpleasant to get out of my marriage. I'm not at all sure how to deal with this. I'm so afraid of getting trapped again.

From a man's prospective, I probably appear to be aloof. I'm not at all. After one breakup, I didn't even talk to men for almost two years. Just didn't have it in me. As soon as I put myself out there again, I met another man who captured my heart. He was everything I wanted in a man except that he was a real player. When I broke up with him, I think it may have hurt him (he made several comments to the fact). But he didn't make me feel secure in the relationship at all.

He's now married to a much younger, successful, gorgeous woman. We attend many of the same parties. I see him staring at me frequently. He's put himself in close proximity to me many times which makes me so uncomfortable.

How do all of you find it in you to pick yourselves up and dust yourselves off and try again? Right now, I'm going about all of this very half heartedly. I need a fresh attitude about dating and possibly falling in love again.


I know just how you feel, I am not interested in dating like some "catch and release" thing while you go fishing.


I would prefer to be in a relationship that worked, and skip straight to that without dating at all.


But there is no other way. You have to just put yourself out there and keep trying...as personally distasteful as that may seem.


Along the way you'll surely be meeting some amazing, interesting and wonderful people. I can guarantee you that, IF you are selective about who you date.

You will learn a lot about yourself along the way, if you are aware and fortunate....

It can be rough, I grant you that, but it is, as one prescient woman told me, in San Francisco earlier this year,quite "the only game in town worth playing"


There are some truly fantastic people out there, too. The game is worth the candle....
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  June 9,2009, 4:35pm
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When_I_See_You_Smile wrote :
"Someday, someone is going to walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else."
^This is a great quote.^

But for now, I think it is healthy that the OP is asking herself these questions. When there are so many important questions, and when you doubt your readiness for a new relationship, it probably means you need time.

Time to settle into a life that you're comfortable with, and time to become a you that you're comfortable with. I was hoping for a "fast-track" for this process, but as with any loss, there is none.

When you're ready, you'll approach new dating situations with more confidence and fewer doubts. Good luck!
Last edited by lacedwithhope; June 9,2009 at 4:38pm.
 
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When_I_See_You_Smile is offline When_I_See_You_Smile Post #8  June 9,2009, 4:59pm
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Happy New Year, Everyone! :)

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lacedwithhope wrote :
^This is a great quote.^

But for now, I think it is healthy that the OP is asking herself these questions. When there are so many important questions, and when you doubt your readiness for a new relationship, it probably means you need time.

Time to settle into a life that you're comfortable with, and time to become a you that you're comfortable with. I was hoping for a "fast-track" for this process, but as with any loss, there is none.

When you're ready, you'll approach new dating situations with more confidence and fewer doubts. Good luck!
I agree with you, Laced. You can't begin again, unless you're happy with yourself, and where you are in life. It is absolutely essential to take the time to heal before trying to move on.
 
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When_I_See_You_Smile is offline When_I_See_You_Smile Post #9  June 9,2009, 5:01pm
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Happy New Year, Everyone! :)

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6dle899 wrote :

It can be rough, I grant you that, but it is, as one prescient woman told me, in San Francisco earlier this year,quite "the only game in town worth playing"


There are some truly fantastic people out there, too. The game is worth the candle....
I love that!
 
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Charger is offline Charger Post #10  June 9,2009, 6:51pm
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I was married for a really long time, over twenty years. My marriage ended in a few weeks, I literally became a single parent over night. So I'm sure there are a lot of stories just like mine, we end up single at mid life asking ourselves "what the heck"?

I didn't date anyone for over a year, sat home on Friday and Saturday nights, saw to my kids social lives. So I worked on myself, just about every day or so it seemed. It took a while, but I got the nerve to get back in the "game" , test the waters again. Imagine my surprise when I met others who went through the same experiences in that divorce at mid life is rough, but it's also a new beginning.

I realized that life was new again, older yes, wiser as well. I also realized that life is about risk and reward, if you don't take a risk, then how can you expect a reward?

The last thing I want to do is live life with regrets especially when it comes to relationships. So I've gotten to the point where I lay it on the line, I don't hold back and I'm honest with my feelings and emotions. If the relationship doesn't work out, at least I was true to myself and that takes a lot of the sting out of it ending. Like another poster stated, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Again where there's no risk, there cannot be a reward and I'm willing to take that chance because the reward is oh so sweet.

Good luck to you!
 
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