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Scotch Scotch is offline
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Best comment in the article: If you spend 10 percent of your waking hours thinking about your ex-spouse, you are not ready for a new relationship. BRAVO

- June 8th, 2009, 06:09 pm
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angelofmerci angelofmerci is offline
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Although this article presents some very good advice it does not take into account the spiteful ex who tries their best to keep their exes life in a constant state of turmoil.
- June 8th, 2009, 10:30 pm
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Wiseman2 Wiseman2 is offline
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Great article! Many people look to fill a void, without realizing they are hurting the new one next in line. When the rebounder cannot devote their energy fully to the new relationship everyone suffers. Actually had this situation once.Eventually had to gently let her know that I am not being paid here to listen to what a divorce lawyer or marital therapist usually does, and I was looking for a relationship not a new unpaid job. Let these people rely on old friends, family, therapists, whatever until they get thier hurt, anger etc. out of the way so you don't waste your time and get into the line of fire caused by someone else.
- June 9th, 2009, 05:02 am
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gettingstronger gettingstronger is offline
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I'm no expert but I don't totally agree with the "2 year" wait, and here's why.


Have you ever had a family member diagnosed with a life threatening disease?


If you have, you know that the grieving and the sorting through begins the day of the diagnosis, well before the actual death.


A divorce is similar.


The death of my marriage did not begin on that final divorce decree date at the courthouse...it started months, if not years before.

- June 10th, 2009, 05:38 pm
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tinkerbella tinkerbella is offline
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It is so unfair when someone who is separated is dishonest online and says they are already divorced, drawing you in and leading you on.

Then at the last minute, says they aren't ready to date or anything, and you receive psycho e-mails from their wife, who you thought they were divorced from, because that's what THEY told you.

Then a year later, starts texting and calling you asking for dates. Then when you say no, does it again yet another year later.

Not that I've ever met that man.
- June 10th, 2009, 10:19 pm
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DontCallMe_IllCallYou DontCallMe_IllCallYou is offline
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gettingstronger wrote :
I'm no expert but I don't totally agree with the "2 year" wait, and here's why.


Have you ever had a family member diagnosed with a life threatening disease?


If you have, you know that the grieving and the sorting through begins the day of the diagnosis, well before the actual death.


A divorce is similar.


The death of my marriage did not begin on that final divorce decree date at the courthouse...it started months, if not years before.

Great analogy. I just recently told someone the same thing (not about me but their own marriage). She was hesitant to accept a date from a great guy because her divorce wasn't final yet (legally). But she acknowledges her marriage had really been over for years and they just kept up appearances for their four kids sake. I told her I'd go for it but it was her decision. They've been having a great time together for the past six weeks.
- June 11th, 2009, 08:36 am
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Wiseman2 Wiseman2 is offline
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tinkerbella wrote :
It is so unfair when someone who is separated is dishonest online and says they are already divorced, drawing you in and leading you on.

Then at the last minute, says they aren't ready to date or anything, and you receive psycho e-mails from their wife, who you thought they were divorced from, because that's what THEY told you.

Then a year later, starts texting and calling you asking for dates. Then when you say no, does it again yet another year later.

Not that I've ever met that man.
Good story and well said. Here's a great article on being with a rebounder.
http://advice.eharmony.com/article/4-signs-youre-a-rebound.html
What do people do with a band-aid when the wound has healed?.... Throw it away.. So if you think you are just being a supportive good person, be careful, they are in a state of flux.
- June 11th, 2009, 11:46 am
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lumiveistos lumiveistos is offline
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Good answers and personal experiences above. I'll add mine:
by the time "enough" years have passed and a balance is made, one realizes that instead of starting again and remaining in those "on and off" circles, there are other options: simply staying alone and cultivating qualities which never got a chance in a relationship. The longer one is single the easier it gets - and if the other one used to get his way but you were less important or played less significant to preserve peace it is liberating to realize , "WOW, now it's MY wishes that COUNT!" Lumiveistos
- June 11th, 2009, 12:23 pm
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Alli824 Alli824 is offline
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I am on the other end of things,  so I say tread lightly especially if you aren't sure you're ready. I've been divorced going on 8 years and finally met a guy I really like, and have much in common with. We met on line had several months of correspondence always keeping it fun and professional. He moves to my town (for business- totally unrelated to me.) We meet for the first time, go out a second, appear to have a great time, find out we have even more in common than we think, and then comes the noticeable distancing. I come to find out he's divorced about a year and in actuality probably less. While a lot of time has not been invested I feel somewhat let down. I know it has little to do with me and more to do with him not being ready... but still the person who is ready now has to decide to move on or wait it out. Just be upfront and honest about where you are and let the other person decide.

- June 11th, 2009, 07:58 pm
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sc4me sc4me is offline
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Here's my $.02 worth.

Sometimes it takes years to clear out the clutter and it may even take until the children are grown until there are no more ties. Constant interaction even over visitation, child support, etc keep a divorced couple connected. A great deal depends upon how they handle it, but one spouse may handle it well and the other not so well; sometimes one spouse will use those issues and do everything possible to disrupt the normal life of their ex.

Even after children are grown there are more subtle things that indicate there are unsettled issues. For instance, I dated a woman a couple of years ago who had been divorced for 9 years. She said she had no contact with her "ex" but told me she had not dated anyone seriously (more than once) during that 9 years.

At first I thought nothing of it, but as I got to know her I found out that he was making the house payment (don't divorced people usually divide up marital property??), insurance payments, upkeep and house repairs. All she paid was the utility bill and groceries.

She never let on that they were still connected at the hip, but as time went on, and I realized she was unable to form attachments, I realized she was still "with him" in a very subtle way and he had arranged it that way. (Or maybe she had.)

Her children were grown and had moved away so I asked her why she still lived in the house. The best she could come up with was even though her children were grown, neither was married and needed a place to come home to. When I mentioned she could buy another house she was very defensive.

I found that odd and I dropped it .... the relationship lasted about 4 months.
Last edited by sc4me; June 12th, 2009 at 08:32 pm.
- June 12th, 2009, 08:28 pm
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