After the First Date...How much should I pursue?


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dreamingartist is offline dreamingartist Post #21  June 8,2009, 1:06pm
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The big drawback to this site for advice is that people posting have their own agenda. They aren't out to offer real "general" advice, but more out to push their own political dating agenda. Of course the guy who is 35 dating 22 year olds is going to come in and say how he prefers women 22 and how they are mature, and etc etc and of course the 22 year old is going to come in and talk about how far in life she is and how she needs a 35 year old man because boys her age are out getting drunk.

But when you are 22 you are in college, or finishing. you don't have your career lined up, so you don't know where you are going to live, or move. You think you want a family, but then 10 years later you want a divorce and resent the 35 year old guy, who is now 45 because you didn't live your life and party it up at 22.


I dated a girl the EXACT same age I was from 18 to 28 years old. and Her life changed 4 seperate times that I can remember. at 18 she was about true love and meeting "the one". at 21 she was about where to move and her career, new york, no LA, no chicago, no travel. at 25 she was about finding herself once again, and at 28 she was NOT the person she is at 18, 22, or 24.

Now I can't say everyone is like that, but I can look back at my own life and I can definetally say that at 18 I had different concepts of life than at 25, or 28, etc. You may think dating a 22 year old is great! I mean, a 35 year old guy who wants his trophy wife to be gorgeous, young, fun, and have less baggage as a 30 year old is only going to find that in a 22 year old.

But it does raise the questions, what happened that he is still single at 35? was he 30 and dated a 18 or 20 year old? what happened to her? what happened to all his relationships. Is there commitment? or is it sex? how many 35 year olds want to date a 22 year old and NOT have sex with them. Its obviously not cause they share life experiences. How much do you really have in common? you both like to go eat? she laughs at your jokes? and you still wanna be a young buck in your prime? I am just not a strong believer in a 15 year age difference... she is 15 when your 30, yah, so much in common.. but no, your 35 now and shes 20..

just take the advice on this forum with a major grain of salt, I definetally won't be making any life decisions based off people with thier own agendas in mind.
 
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kayla4brains is offline kayla4brains Post #22  June 8,2009, 2:47pm
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People can only give advice on what they know...their own experiences! Sometimes it's helpful...sometimes it might be best just to disregard it...but that's why I do like these advice boards - it gives a wide variety of views from people that might have gone through something you are grappling with.
I appreciate hearing about advice/concerns about dating an older man. The maturity might not be all me (not me?) afterall but him as well. It's just very discouraging out there, but I suppose I am preaching to the choir.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #23  June 8,2009, 2:51pm
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dreamingartist wrote :
The big drawback to this site for advice is that people posting have their own agenda. They aren't out to offer real "general" advice, but more out to push their own political dating agenda. Of course the guy who is 35 dating 22 year olds is going to come in and say how he prefers women 22 and how they are mature, and etc etc and of course the 22 year old is going to come in and talk about how far in life she is and how she needs a 35 year old man because boys her age are out getting drunk.

But when you are 22 you are in college, or finishing. you don't have your career lined up, so you don't know where you are going to live, or move. You think you want a family, but then 10 years later you want a divorce and resent the 35 year old guy, who is now 45 because you didn't live your life and party it up at 22.


I dated a girl the EXACT same age I was from 18 to 28 years old. and Her life changed 4 seperate times that I can remember. at 18 she was about true love and meeting "the one". at 21 she was about where to move and her career, new york, no LA, no chicago, no travel. at 25 she was about finding herself once again, and at 28 she was NOT the person she is at 18, 22, or 24.

Now I can't say everyone is like that, but I can look back at my own life and I can definetally say that at 18 I had different concepts of life than at 25, or 28, etc. You may think dating a 22 year old is great! I mean, a 35 year old guy who wants his trophy wife to be gorgeous, young, fun, and have less baggage as a 30 year old is only going to find that in a 22 year old.

But it does raise the questions, what happened that he is still single at 35? was he 30 and dated a 18 or 20 year old? what happened to her? what happened to all his relationships. Is there commitment? or is it sex? how many 35 year olds want to date a 22 year old and NOT have sex with them. Its obviously not cause they share life experiences. How much do you really have in common? you both like to go eat? she laughs at your jokes? and you still wanna be a young buck in your prime? I am just not a strong believer in a 15 year age difference... she is 15 when your 30, yah, so much in common.. but no, your 35 now and shes 20..

just take the advice on this forum with a major grain of salt, I definetally won't be making any life decisions based off people with thier own agendas in mind.
It is certainly true that some people participating in these discussions have their own agenda, but I don't think those few discount the benefit of a dating advice site. For the newcomer, it is highly probable that at least one other board member has had the same experience, and I think it's helpful to gain perspective on how that situation was handled. You're giving your own advice here, but telling the OP to take everyone's advice with a grain of salt. That would include your advice as well, wouldn't it?.

Sometimes two minds are better than one. Nobody has all the answers, not even your friends or family. One can certainly go to a pastor/priest/rabbi with their dating issues if you think they're more qualified to give advice. Those with obvious agendas -- and I don't deny that some exist here -- you just ignore if you don't think it's pertinent to your situation. But try not to sour the experience for newcomers.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #24  June 8,2009, 4:29pm

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dreamingartist...I like your post. I am at a conference this week with sketchy internet and posted something similiar and then lost my connection...and my post, before it could post!

Basically, I was 22 once too, and I was a mature 22. But my God how I have changed over the years! We all think we know what is best at that age and maybe some people do have their life mapped out and know what we want...but...really most of us still have a lot of growing up to do at that age, and I think its best if we have mentors that are older, but that our romantic interests are not so much older.

Even if I was interested in older men in my early 20's I would have had sense enough to be wary of why they were interested in ME. Because we know it is not always wholesome, even though love sometimes just happens.

I am currently talking to a guy who is 44 and I'm 32 (and you thought I didn't understand...) but then, I'm over 30 and I think it is different..I'm still wary. A clue for me that he is okay, is that on his match profile his age range for women is 33-45. I'd be a lot more concerned if it was 18-25. I didn't even make his age range he just contacted me anyway. I think that seems a lot more genuine. Though, again, we will see.

I dated a 37 year old when I was 26. Basically, well, what dreamingartist said. I was apartments, he was houses, I was college and internships, he was full time and mortgages. We didn't understand each other and he expected me to be mature...I was not in the same stage of life. I wanted to travel and lol...chicago, no, california, no florida! Just as dreamspiral said...he would have held me back if I let him. On top of that all of his friends thought I was a gold digger because they could not understand what else I would have seen in him (really, I liked him and found him attractive and was a"mature" 26 in that I wanted comittment, even though I was not ready to physically settle down I valued his stability even though I could not yet do the same).

Just be careful out there!
 
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estee is offline estee Post #25  July 10,2009, 1:14pm
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Oregon_Coast_Guy wrote :
To piggyback on the previous comment: If he is not at a different place in his life at 35, then this is a pretty big red flag.

As for your date, I'm sorry to say, but I don't think it went as well as you might think it did. First of all, you said there were awkward pauses. A good date will not have those. Awkward pauses are what make dates bad.

Second, he tried to put the ball in your court by telling you to call him. That shows that he is either not all that interested, or that he is afraid to take initiative. Do you really want to be with someone afraid to take the initiative? He was nervous the whole time? Why be nervous, it's just a first date. He's nervous because either he was treating it like he was sizing up a wife, or nervous because he has no confidence and lacks a backbone. Do you want to be with someone like that?

As for not having a date that you just "know;" one day, you will have a date where you will just "know."

If I were you, I'd let the guy go.

i do agree with this
 
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Ludiusvox is offline Ludiusvox Post #26  July 14,2009, 12:12pm
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Hey maybe he just doesn't date that much; Maybe its one of those "aww, so cute!" kinda things, you guys are both shy: who knows, its all good call him why not. If you kinda like him and he's chicken there needs to be someone for guys who are shy. Not every guy out there is a go-getter its ok.
 
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fool4love628 is offline fool4love628 Post #27  August 2,2009, 11:13am
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Oregon_Coast_Guy wrote :
As for your date, I'm sorry to say, but I don't think it went as well as you might think it did. First of all, you said there were awkward pauses. A good date will not have those. Awkward pauses are what make dates bad.
I don't know how chatty you are, but for a lot of people, meeting new people and opening up to them on the first date is difficult. The first date jitters can get to people, and she even said herself that they were both nervous. If anything, it might only be a sign that the first date was maybe a little too long for the first encounter.

What you said may definitely be true for the second or third date once you've been out with the person and know what to expect, so to speak. At that point, little awkward pauses are just that... awkward. I'd say it's ok for the first date when you're really just trying to get a feel for who the other person is, but that's for each individual to decide. I know of relationships that began in just the way she described. Small, awkward pauses during the first date since they were both nervous. And now, they've been dating for over a year. So, be patient is my suggestion.

On another note, I agree that if he was interested, he'd call back. As a guy, if you're interested at all in a girl, what you're looking for on or after the first date is a sign that the girl is interested. "Thanks for the date" is very ambiguous and the cause of a lot of heartache that I've seen. "Thanks for the date, let's do it again sometime" is exactly what a guy who's interested will appreciate and all he needs to call back and schedule a second encounter.
 
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Ssusprina is offline Ssusprina Post #28  August 25,2009, 7:47pm
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In the end its your life. I hope he calls you back.

My husband was 11 years older then me and we had a great marriage. I would take him back today if God would give him back. Age really means so little in this day of information. People of differant ages are at differant lvls of maturity because of the way they were brought up, or brought up themselves.
 
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vrcarrington is offline vrcarrington Post #29  January 11,2010, 11:43am
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I don't think the age thing matters right now.

You had one date. He didn't even offer to call you for a second - instead he told you to call him. That says it all to me right there. If he was interested in seeing you again he would have made the effort and would have taken the initiative to call YOU. The thank-you - well - that was nice on your part but kind of indicates you have more interest in him than he has in you. So I defnitely wouldn't call him AGAIN.

Hold out for someone who "shows" you (not tells you) they WANT to see you and get to know you. Actions are far more telling and accurate than words. Not bothering to call you is an action that tells you all you need to know - not much hope for a "good" future relationship there.
 
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