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treatmesweetly treatmesweetly is offline
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treatmesweetly is up to her eyeballs in MBA class!

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You posted that you recently suffered triggers that required you to seek treatment for your depression and take a leave of absence from work. Later you posted that you are "fully functional". Being affected by anything (depression, physical injury, chronic illness, etc.) so much that it prevents you from working is not my definition of "fully functional". Should you be focused on dating?

If you have already returned to work (even if you are still on medication), I agree with the other posters. Do not disclose your recent treatment to someone you haven't met yet... or even someone you've only been out with a couple times. A match needs to make it past the 2nd or 3rd date before they are entitled to such personal information. My $.02. Good luck!
- June 5th, 2009, 08:15 pm
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IcecreamMoon IcecreamMoon is offline
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IcecreamMoon Nothing to see here at all...

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I would definitely want to know. Not because of any stigmas but because I've experienced dating a partner who suffered clinical depression. It is definitely something that affects relationships and your potential partner deserves to know and make that choice.

Having said that, you do not need to disclose in your profile or during initial stages of communication. But once you've had a couple of dates and see potential for a relationship to develop, definitely bring it up. Keep in mind that most people know very little about depression. It can be a scary word, so be prepared to explain the effects.
- June 5th, 2009, 09:23 pm
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I'm being treated for this too. While our experiences with it will vary, I'm sure, I think I can relate. There are some things that go along with dating that can trigger this. While the matches, in my opinion, have a right to know... I don't think it's something you should reveal right away. Perhaps wait till either dating exclusively, or you at least reach a point in the relationship where you feel that the reaction won't be so negative (although that can sometimes be easier said than done as reading people can be a challenge). And sometimes, the info has to be brought about in pieces.. a piece here, and a piece there.. Just be ready to honestly answer the questions should you be asked for more info.

Have fun on your date!
- June 6th, 2009, 09:37 am
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sheera007 sheera007 is offline
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treatmesweetly wrote :
You posted that you recently suffered triggers that required you to seek treatment for your depression and take a leave of absence from work. Later you posted that you are "fully functional". Being affected by anything (depression, physical injury, chronic illness, etc.) so much that it prevents you from working is not my definition of "fully functional". Should you be focused on dating?

If you have already returned to work (even if you are still on medication), I agree with the other posters. Do not disclose your recent treatment to someone you haven't met yet... or even someone you've only been out with a couple times. A match needs to make it past the 2nd or 3rd date before they are entitled to such personal information. My $.02. Good luck!
I agree. If your condition caused you to need a leave-of-absence, it must have been pretty serious.

But however severe or mild your "episodes" may be, its personal... and not something that needs to be revealed to someone you barely even know. "Matches" and first dates are people you don't know. Not their business.

Off topic, sort of:
I thought you were happily "in a relationship". Seems I recall a few recent posts, where you'd mentioned it/her. Maybe I have you confused with someone else.

Oh well. Not my bid'ness. Have fun on your date!
- June 6th, 2009, 10:02 am
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sc4me sc4me is offline
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sc4me Tomorrow never comes; by the time it gets here it is today.

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MommyGetCoffee wrote :
Are we talking about the diagnostic category of Dysthymic Depression or Major Depression?

If I was the (lucky) lady going out with you, I'd want to know how low you got. Because honestly, if you were suicidally depressed or if you have had episodes of mania alternating with your depression, I would certainly want to know this information before I got too attached. It's like I'd want to know if someone was a survivor of a major (potentially life-threatening) medical illness like cancer or stroke or such. . . . Although any condition well-managed is much better than one lurking, untreated, if I were thinking marriage/commitment, I'd want an honest understanding of your background in this regard. This is not to say that I'd break up with you just because you have faced depression in the past. But I think a potential life-partner/wife/mate/companion would want to know this information early enough in the journey to decide whether to get attached. . . . . .

Understand, I come from a mental health background, so I am not coming from a bias/stigma place. I just like full disclosure......

And I add my "good luck, have fun" to the chorus of good wishes!
Thanks for the good wishes. I'm sure everything will be fine and its likely she won't need to know for awhile. I'm just still left with the question of when. Too soon and I "might" run her off, but wait too long and she may feel misled.

In answer to your question there was no mania; it was an episode of major depression. As I am sure you know depression is episodic. I have had one other "major depressive" episode in my life. For most of my life I have been symptom free. The other episode was brought on by a prolonged period of extreme stress just like this one.

In talking with other people who had a major depressive episode their experience was the same; it came, they got treatment and they got better. Now Bipolar is a different ballgame.

If my depression was chronic and debilitating I doubt I would be here asking this question.

I understand what you are saying about knowing before you get too attached, but the risk is that the knowledge might keep someone away? That is the worst part.

Obviously I don't have to tell her tomorrow so it is not a big deal. I'm just thinking ahead and also thinking about the woman who just blew me off because I told her.

Thanks for your input.
- June 6th, 2009, 11:28 am
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sc4me sc4me is offline
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D_Lion wrote :
This is part of my point; by disclosing, your match may make an assumption based on prior experience or media exposure. Neither adequately captures the unique person you are.

By letting it come out in time (definitely not before establishing exclusivity), it is secondary to how you have treated her.

Not working is most assuredly not “fully functioning.” I would be way scared off by that.

My opinion is to wait.
Agree with everything but the last paragraph.

That is precisely the stigma to which I was referring. If I had pneumonia and were on leave would it matter to you? It is only when we add the word "mental" that it becomes stigmatized.

During my time off I have moved myself to another apartment, (had been planned way in advance) rented a truck, lined up people to help, completed all the paperwork, negotiated and signed the lease, changed my address, requested information about pursuing a graduate degree in another field so that I can change jobs to relieve some of the stress, attended classes as well as meet with my doctors as scheduled.

That is most assuredly "fully functioning" don't you think?
- June 6th, 2009, 11:48 am
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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A strategy for avoiding the risk of being dumped immediately and the risk of being dumped later for misleading non-disclosure is to communicate in a fact-based way with words people understand, and limit your use of diagnostic criteria which only technically-trained people understand – as MommyGetCoffee illustrated with the clarifying question.

Best personal example that comes to me at the moment: I was unemployed once, and that weekend I watched a really violent movie about the Vietnam War – I was edgy for a week afterward. Instead of saying “depression,” a way to manage this would be to say “can we choose a happy movie instead, violent movies make me edgy.”
- June 6th, 2009, 11:49 am
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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sc4me wrote :
That is precisely the stigma to which I was referring. If I had pneumonia and were on leave would it matter to you? It is only when we add the word "mental" that it becomes stigmatized.
Hey, instead of arguing with me, assume your matches are thinking the same stuff!

You probably would not have in your profile “leave of absence due to pneumonia” (and if you said that on a date you are effectively saying “since I am not concerned to infect my date, my reason for not working is I am lazy,” so yes, I would be very much afraid of your work ethic.) Though I am on the extreme of never missing work, so most people are more balanced than me.

More directly, yes, I personally would react negatively to any reason for not working other than self-employment venture, private investor, retired / wealthy, or student. I would use your move, school as the explanation for why you’re not working.

In any case, the women on this thread appear uniform that waiting is right, and it’s a woman you’ll be dealing with.

Good luck with your date.
- June 6th, 2009, 12:00 pm
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sabete2002 sabete2002 is offline
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sc$me, you are meeting her for the first time. While it is important that this is in the back of your mind, try not to project an outcome. Enjoy the date and see what happens from that point on. Hopefully, things go well and you both want to see each other again. And again... But take it a step at a time. You'll know when the time is right to tell her about your situation.
- June 6th, 2009, 01:23 pm
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sc4me sc4me is offline
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We've talked on the phone 3 or 4 times now so I'm not worried about tomorrow. That will be easy. It is later that could be hard. Or, she may be an understanding soul with no preconceptions or bias.
- June 6th, 2009, 04:45 pm
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