Monica1 is offline Monica1 Post #1  June 5,2009, 3:33am

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I"ve been dating a good friend. We've always had a deep connection and decided to not fight it anymore and see where this goes. Anyway, one thing I don't understand is why he is so attentive, then suddenly becomes impossible to reach. I understand having a busy life; I have one as well. I don't smother him, call too much, nothing like that. I know how deeply he cares for me. Recently when I had a minor crisis, he checked up on me, came over to keep me company and cheer me up, etc. It was great. We are so happy when we're together. I do the same for him when needed. We are wonderful support for one another. But, where did he go? It's all so wonderful, then I feel abandoned and wonder where my best friend went. I don't split on him or any of my friends. Is this a way men tend to cope with stress in their lives? Sometimes just disconnect? I know this topic has come up in many forms on these boards...

Thanks for listening. ~Monica
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  June 5,2009, 4:02am
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Well...what do you mean he splits on you? What kind of time are we talking about? Do you mean he does not call during the work week or he disappears for several months at a time? Please clarify.
 
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Monica1 is offline Monica1 Post #3  June 5,2009, 4:51am

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Well, one time he split for months. He apologized when he came back. His health was not good (cancer) and he had troubles with his kids. He was overwhelmed. He's been great since we've been back together. I have not heard from him in less than a week, so obviously I am sensitive to what happened in the past. Maybe I should have more faith in him. He has proven to me he wants to try again and that he is sorry about before.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  June 5,2009, 5:10am
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No MEN do not just disappear with no explanation to cope with stress. However this particular man appears to do that based on past behavior. Also one may assume that the stress in his life is trying to move from the friend zone to a romantic relationship with you.

Personal opinion here but I see a lot of red flags for this relationship.

Another personal opinion, friends that try to turn the friendship into a relationship usually end up with no relationship and no friend.
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #5  June 5,2009, 5:57am
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This is like the forbidden fruit concept here. As friends, he probably wanted you from afar. But once he got together with you, he realized that the reality did not fill his fantasy.

If you fall for a fantasy, which sounds like this guy did, it rarely lasts. This guy seems to be sending you that vibe but not willing to man up and admit it to you.
 
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Monica1 is offline Monica1 Post #6  June 5,2009, 6:11am

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I was just wondering if a common coping mechanism in men is avoidance. Absolutely not bashing men here. I'm not like that. We were always more than just friends, but avoided commitment (although we wanted it) because of complications (more in his life than mine). He wants me more than ever now, and is overwhelmed. I guess as I type this I have my answer. When he is overwhelmed, he tends to hide rather than come to me for support. We shall see
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  June 5,2009, 8:22am
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No, that kind of behavior is not typical for men and is indicative of his personal mental/emotional problems. Personally I see all kinds of potential problems and red flags here but this in not about me. The real question is what the OP is willing to put up with and deal with and for how long. Can you really imagine a relationship where he will continue to cut you out of his life and disappear for months at a time without warning?
 
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Monica1 is offline Monica1 Post #8  June 5,2009, 8:48am

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Thank you for your response. And, no, I can't imagine a life of dealing with his disappearances without warning and the stress of wondering if it's about to happen again. I was seeing some mega positive changes, so I had faith he had come to a better place in his life and within himself. It's only been five days and I do not like the things that have been running through my mind. He knows I'm concerned about his health and should have let me know as soon as he could after his check-up which was earlier this week. I sent him an email asking that he keep me posted. I meant I'd appreciate a quick response under the circumstances and not be left wondering if I'd find out in a few months. Very weird how two people can be so close, then he disengages and I'm left in the cold. I hope I'm wrong this time.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  June 5,2009, 8:51am
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Call him. It sounds to me like you are better off just being friends.
 
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Monica1 is offline Monica1 Post #10  June 5,2009, 9:05am

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Ok, I will call him. Thank you. We aren't "Just friends". It was never that way with us even though we tried to force ourselves to be only friends. Therefore, if we break it off, an occasional hello would be all that could happen. This rots. I love him. I am also tired of not having a partner. Hard to imagine someone filling his shoes, but also can't imagine feeling this way much longer. I'll keep you posted and thanks again. ~M
 
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