Is how a man treats his mother important?


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Sabrina31 is offline Sabrina31 Post #1  June 2,2009, 6:55am
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I've been dating a guy for a few weeks now and all is going well but one thing makes me uncomfortable. I don't like the way he talks about his mother.

From what I can gather he only sees his parents twice a year (if that) and when he talks about his mother its usually to say how annoying he finds her. He says she rings him up from time to time to tell him what is going on in her life but he finds it really tiresome and dull listening to her and that he really doesnt care about what she does with her friends.She sends him herbal remedies when he is sick (which I think is quite thoughtful) and he constantly complains about it. He also told me how much he hates her cooking and that he couldnt wait to leave home to get away from it.

He also doesnt seem to get along with his sister. She broke her leg two weeks ago but he didnt seem bothered at all and had no plans to see her to make sure she was ok. She only lives 20 mins away from him! I actually had to tell him to go and see her because she lives by herself. He fobbed me off by saying that she had plenty of friends to help her and that he would visit her with the rest of his family in a few weeks. He also complains about how argumentative she is and how he can't have a proper conversation with her.

My own relationship with my mum is far from perfect but I would never say those things to someone I had been dating for a few weeks. And if my sister broke my leg, I'd be over there in a second!

It seems especially odd as he is very close to his dad and brother and this attitude seems to be limited to the women in his family.

Is this something I should be concerned about in terms of how he might treat me in the future?
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #2  June 2,2009, 7:16am
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This is a tough question because there are so many unknowns. You could be right that he's just very ungrateful and a very selfish man, OR he could have hidden issues with his family. OR, thats the way the family is. You are using your relationship with your family to justify what should be, and in my opinion, that is wrong. We each treat our families in our own way.

Me. I love my mother, but we don't talk much. We get together maybe once a year and in between, we may IM each other occasionally. This is normal FOR ME. My family has always been this way. This is how we interact. Do I mind seeing her more often. Not at all. However, with her being on the other side of the country, it makes it a little hard, and this is what it has become.

My girlfriend. Her father calls every single day. They talk every day. He's a little closer than my mother, BUT he is still considered "out of town" and would need a plane (or 18 hours to drive) to visit. (see my other post about her relationship with her father for more info)

I see her interaction with her father as over the top and way too much. She sees my interaction with my mother, abysmally lacking. Who is right? Who is wrong? This is the way both of us were raised to deal with our families.
 
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cath817 is offline cath817 Post #3  June 2,2009, 7:16am
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I'd be very concerned. My ex never spoke well about his mom or of his sisters. He only had one sister (of 5) that he ever spoke well of at all and that wasn't often. Over time I saw that he really had a low opinion of women in general.
 
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graceventually is offline graceventually Post #4  June 2,2009, 7:23am
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Yes.
He's got significant issues with the women in his life, and I think that's a bad sign. I'd certainly discuss it with him and see how he responds - if his mom was abusive, for example; I'd find his attitude more understandable. But that still wouldn't explain his inconsiderate actions toward his sister.
Plenty of people grow up to prefer other foods to mom's cooking, and he's entitled to his own opinion about that. But I find the lack of respect with which he speaks to her and about her very troubling. He needs to be respectful, even if the relationship is not a close one. You didn't say how old he is, but at some point we all have to grow up and see our mothers as individuals first, with the same gifts, foibles, good points and bad that any other individual has. His ability - or inability - to do so will tell you a great deal about his emotional intelligence and maturity; and his ability to forgive and to extend grace in a relationship when he's been annoyed or hurt. Since any couple is bound to annoy one another at some point,you'll get a glimpse into the future of your relationship when you see what his abilities in those areas are. (As he also can see in you - this goes both ways, of course).
I'm sorry if I sound discouraging, but this sounds like a potentially big issue; and it's definitely something you two should talk about.
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #5  June 2,2009, 7:24am
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yeah, that wouldn't make me hot to trot either. i don't think i'd be concerned he'd treat me badly so much as i'd be concerned about how i'd get to feeling hearing this type of weak complaining and limp excuse making.

there could be good reason why he avoids the women in his family, but he should just say so.
 
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4getmenot is offline 4getmenot Post #6  June 2,2009, 7:34am

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I agree with Dafearon. There are many, many unknowns that are not mentioned on your original post. It is tough to ignore what is going on but you really don't know the reasons behind everything. I would not judge or use this to presume how he might treat you in the future (for now). It is true, we are all raised differently and treat our family in different ways. I suggest you give it time and bit by bit get facts on why he treats his Mom and Sis this way. If there really is NO reason then I would be concerned on NOT only how he might treat me but how he treats WOMEN in general. He may have issues that are way more than "family" issues.
Last edited by 4getmenot; June 2,2009 at 7:40am.
 
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Sabrina31 is offline Sabrina31 Post #7  June 2,2009, 7:51am
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Just to clear up a few of the unknowns. He is in his late twenties and moved out as soon as he hit 18. There is no particular reason why he speaks that way about his mother or sister, he just seems to find them both very tiresome.

Just picking up on his attitude to women in general. We have some mutual friends, two of whom are women. He has no romantic interest in them at all and to their faces he is very friendly but he is quite derogatory about them behind their backs. These are people he hangs out with and chats to as friends all the time and he does so out of choice
 
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txbubba is offline txbubba Post #8  June 2,2009, 8:07am

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just because a woman is a mother doesn't mean that she's a good person.

i don't hate women but... in my observations, i find most women to be rude and uppity.
 
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reddragonfly is offline reddragonfly Post #9  June 2,2009, 8:23am
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Sabrina31 wrote :
Just to clear up a few of the unknowns. He is in his late twenties and moved out as soon as he hit 18. There is no particular reason why he speaks that way about his mother or sister, he just seems to find them both very tiresome.

Just picking up on his attitude to women in general. We have some mutual friends, two of whom are women. He has no romantic interest in them at all and to their faces he is very friendly but he is quite derogatory about them behind their backs. These are people he hangs out with and chats to as friends all the time and he does so out of choice
Kinda makes you wonder what he's saying about you when you're not around, doesn't it?

I'm not as close with my immediate family as most people are, either. I don't normally speak with my Dad on a daily basis but would be there in a heartbeat if he needed me. Does he drive me crazy sometimes? Sure, and yes, I've mentioned it to friends before but always in a loving way and emphasize that I love my Dad, even though he makes me want to yank my hair out sometimes.

My brother and I have had our differences growing up and now that we're no longer sharing living space, we get along great. He recently ended up in the ER with a cracked rib and I was out the door within minutes of his friend calling to let me know. My brother drives me crazy as well but I love him and there's nothing I wouldn't do for him.

Long story short, how we treat people in general says a lot about who we are as individuals. How we treat those closest to us and those who raised us and took care of us when we needed it says even more.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  June 2,2009, 8:24am
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This is something that would make me extremely wary. Being derogatory towards all women in his life sounds like a problem to me. I don't want to be an alarmist, but what do you think he says behind your back about you?

The thing about lack of care for his sister, well.....what will happen when you get hurt? Do you think it will be magically different or will he suddenly display the same attitude toward you as well? What will happen when you annoy him about things?

I guess in my experience and observation, the way a man treats other women in his life is a good reflection of the way he'll eventually treat his SO.
 
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