Many first dates...but


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Bearwolf102 is offline Bearwolf102 Post #1  June 1,2009, 11:06am
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Dear Dating Forum,
So I have been on many first dates at this point. There is little fear for me in asking girls out and I usually have at least one date a week. As the title of this post might indicate and as you may have already figured out they have not lead to many second dates let alone an actual relationship. Normally I am seen as the big brother that they never had. I am useful for empathy, advice, and talking about her jerk of an ex or present boyfriend. But I am not seen as a romantic interest. I am a nice guy but I am starting to wonder if girls, even nice girls still are looking for a nice guy.
I think I may have been born in the wrong century. I still hold doors open, pull chairs, escort through parking lots, and pick up the tab ect… I have no intention of changing who I am or how I was raised to behave but am I doing something wrong?
I have a great job, wonderful friends; I am buying my first house in a couple weeks, and feel whole as I am. If I never find the one who is right for me I will be fine as I am happy. However I would like to add to my happiness with another likeminded soul.
So I am wondering fellow relationship seekers and dating aficionados what kind of advice would you give for getting to date two? Further what are girls looking for in a guy? Am I hindering myself by being a “nice guy”? Is chivalry dead and I just keep ignoring the memo?
Well any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you,
Bearwolf102
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  June 1,2009, 12:43pm
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Simple, bring something to the table beyond just good manners and a bank account. If that's all you have to offer then you are just a grey sheep in a herd of millions of grey sheep. Why would a woman pick you in particular out of that herd? If you are to be completely honest with yourself, you would not pick yourself out of that herd either.

If you want a second date, focus on hobbies, interests, passions, don't be affraid to get into a lively debate. Don't be affraid to disagree with her and explain why and invite her to counter you. Take a really good look at yourself - you are not perfect, nobody is. What baggage are you lugging around? Do you inadvertantly display it on dates? What can you do to fix that problem? To get a second date you have to catch her interest. Good manners are an expected social norm, they are not something that will catch her interest.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #3  June 1,2009, 12:43pm

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no. My best guess would be that something in your profile or photo might be suprisingly different in person. That would be my #1 reason for not wanting a second date. Chivalry is not going to hurt you. But any suprises will hurt.

I'm not suggesting you are a liar. But I would take stock of my photos and profile to make sure its all consistent with reality.

The only way niceness will get in your way is if you are overly gregarious and inappropriatley sharing too much information on the first date. Keep it simple and keep some mystery.

A big mistake some "nice" guys often make is talking too much too soon about too much. Mystery is good, but that does not make niceness bad. They go together just fine.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #4  June 1,2009, 12:48pm

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ps. I will add I was dating a very good looking, tall, great shape guy with a great job and two nice cars....super boring. Just...boring. I mean, I would probably go on a 3rd date with him. But it was one of those .....conversation was more like pulling teeth kinds of dates. 2 of them.

Don't be boring, but don't share too much either. As Dancing Fool mentioned....don't be afraid to debate...don't be afraid to disagree.

I'd rather talk about religion and politics on a first date than ex's and how you paid off your debt this year.

Its considered a "no no" to talk about religoin and politics but if you can do it good naturedly then I promise you it is safer territory than anything else too personal about your past, your money situation, and its not boring. etc.

But anyway, there is a happy medium. Find it!

And look at your photos and profile. Be honest.
 
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mrhappy99 is offline mrhappy99 Post #5  June 1,2009, 12:52pm
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jlb896 is offline jlb896 Post #6  June 1,2009, 12:54pm
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I, for one, am looking for a nice guy. From what I've noticed though, no matter what you have to offer and how put together you are, if there is no romantic chemistry than it doesn't matter much. I consider myself a nice girl and have a great life, but have experienced the same things while dating on eH. Women (and men) are looking for that special spark that goes beyond companionship and being nice or well-mannered...that's something that is out of everyone's control and either you both feel it or you don't.
I think you should just continue to date and you will get out of your rut and find someone. Try to focus on and convey to your dates what it is you can offer them that makes you stand out...whether it's shared interests, similiar values, or life goals. It'll help you stand out from the rest.
 
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Bearwolf102 is offline Bearwolf102 Post #7  June 1,2009, 1:12pm
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Thank you for your posts,
It would be somewhat tragic if I was boring people to death. However I know this is not the issue. As for lies in my profile you would find none. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but I do bring a lot to the table.
Perhaps I am more reserved than I should be. Though I have never seen myself as a gray sheep perhaps I should be more forward.
I appreciate everyone’s thoughts and advice, keep it coming!
Thank you,
Bearwolf102
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #8  June 1,2009, 1:25pm
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Here is a suggestion. Be fun. Be fun to be with. Don't just show someone a good time. Have a good time with someone. Share the good times.

The fact that you are financially stable is a great plus, but do not use that as a crutch on why you are a good catch. You are getting first dates and that is a plus. But don't go in it like a job interview. Go into a first date with the intention of enjoying yourself. If you do that, you may find that you forget the "rules" and just be yourself. That, I believe is a bigger attraction than anything.
 
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wishamee is offline wishamee Post #9  June 1,2009, 1:37pm
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Bearwolf, You are probably doing fine as you are. As adults, it just takes a LOT more people a lot more time to pick the person that is going to be their special one. Once you are into adult life, it doesn't make sense for most people to continue "going" with the wrong ones. Even back in school, there were lots of people around- and half of them might have been first date material. But how many would you really would have gone out with more than once or twice if you knew more about yourself and had some experience in what you were looking for?
I think that as we know more about ourselves, we begin to try to avoid mistakes in dating people who are not a good fit for each other. And sure some of the people won't get the list right, and miss out on some good potential. So relax, and find some things you can do that interest you and could offer some interesting conversation. Nature is probably just sending you a message that when you do meet someone who is right for you, you will remember that "stuff" isn't nearly as fulfilling as a good relationship. Hang in there and enjoy a quality singleness in the meantime.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #10  June 1,2009, 2:16pm
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Bearwolf102 wrote :
Dear Dating Forum,
So I have been on many first dates at this point. There is little fear for me in asking girls out and I usually have at least one date a week. As the title of this post might indicate and as you may have already figured out they have not lead to many second dates let alone an actual relationship. Normally I am seen as the big brother that they never had. I am useful for empathy, advice, and talking about her jerk of an ex or present boyfriend. But I am not seen as a romantic interest. I am a nice guy but I am starting to wonder if girls, even nice girls still are looking for a nice guy.
I think I may have been born in the wrong century. I still hold doors open, pull chairs, escort through parking lots, and pick up the tab ect… I have no intention of changing who I am or how I was raised to behave but am I doing something wrong?
I have a great job, wonderful friends; I am buying my first house in a couple weeks, and feel whole as I am. If I never find the one who is right for me I will be fine as I am happy. However I would like to add to my happiness with another likeminded soul.
So I am wondering fellow relationship seekers and dating aficionados what kind of advice would you give for getting to date two? Further what are girls looking for in a guy? Am I hindering myself by being a “nice guy”? Is chivalry dead and I just keep ignoring the memo?
Well any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you,
Bearwolf102
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It sounds like the problem is the women you are dating....am I reading this correctly? You are dating women with a boyfriend? And if they are griping about an ex, they probably are not over their last relationship yet. It sounds to me like you are dating the emotionally unavailable.

Holding doors and pulling out chairs is not a bad thing and will be appreciated by many women. I think you would want to find someone with similar values anyway, who is going to see this as a courtesy and not an assault on her feminist freedom. I am an extremely independent woman and can open my own doors (and do), but I still would see you doing this as a positive thing that shows you are considerate of your date.
 
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