Reverse Psychology?

10 Years ago I met someone who I got the funny feeling was "The" one. At the time he was married, but now 10 year later, I've returned to my home town, like I always knew I would, to come back to be with him . He is now divorced. We became involved, but something sometimes seemed off, and after many months, he confessed that he has had a girlfriend in another less fortunate country that he has been trying to bring here for 3 years. ( ...I know!)
I was very kind and understanding, and let him know that I was his friend too, and so have given him a lot of space, thinking she was soon to be imported. In my heart, I truly don't think she is coming, but I don't dare say this to him.
The problem is this, he is a lifelong patron at my family's business and comes in about twice a week.
He ignores me, won't make eye contact with me, nothing. It is so horrible. He refuses to allow us to be friends, yet, when we are alone together by chance at my work, he just keeps saying how sorry he is. The last time we spoke, he admitted that he is "trying to make me hate him". He told me that if this relationship which pre-dated me wasn't going on, things would be different. Which I can only take to mean that we would be together.
The advice I seek is this: If someone was TRYING to make you hate them it seems to me that there is a lot of displaced emotional energy there. I mean if he had no feelings for me, he wouldn't be 'trying to make me hate him', right??
Please advise!

You aren't in an easy spot. Loving someone can hurt. When they don't love you back it can hurt a lot more.
It's as if they have all the control to make us happy, sad or both at the same time. We give up our power and I've done the same thing.

Well it's not easy to back off when you are strongly attracted to someone. Both your heart and mind race and you think of different scenarios on how he might love you if_____________. Fill in the blank.

This has probably happened to everyone at one time or another. Once when I was about 20 or 21 & my brothers invited me to a party in someone's backyard in a town close to ours. I had recently moved back home to live with my two brothers. When I was 17 I quit High School and moved in with my then girlfriend.

Anyway I didn't want to go to that party for some reason and wasn't in the best mood. But I figured you never know, maybe I'll meet someone. And there she was.

My breath was taken away, I stopped in my tracks. She was beautiful, 5' 7", had long flowing blondish light brown hair, blue eyes like me, a stunning Irish face, a model's body, sense of humor, intelligent & my dream woman (at that time.)

I said hello to her and we talked some. She was friendly and not stuck up. She must of sensed I was an Outlaw. At the time I was a little shy. My middle brother who was a year older than me, taller, more muscular and more of a swarthy pirate, started flirting and talking to her. My heart sunk as later I saw them embrace.

I didn't know what to do and figured I had lost out. Right then it started to rain and I approached them on the pretense of asking a question. I had to say something, anything to interupt them from becoming a couple.

Just then it started to rain. I don't remember fully what happened next. I believe she asked me to go under her umbrella with her. Which I readily accepted. Then I think we walked together into the house with the other guests. My brother wasn't upset; we were tight & had trained together in track, sometimes lifted weights together, socialized with the same groups of people and picked up women together.

Anyhoo the woman, under the guise of using her umbrella we put our arms around each other. For the rest of that party, we walked around and talked to other people with our arms around each other. When we left the party my brother and I talked. Women were drawn to him because of his looks & body languge. She gave me her phone number, I called her and we became a couple for the next 1-1/2 years.

Perfect almost and we went camping several times with her friends and had some great times. She liked to drink & so did I. But truth be told we didn't have enough in common to stay together forever. She was out of my league-her family had much more $, a big house in a rich neighborhood & more status than my family did at the time.

She was spoiled and I was difficult & slightly jealous at the time. But I met all of her friends many times and she met mine. I was deeply in love. Maybe more than she was with me. But she was a great girlfriend. Time moved forward. I decided to go to College. While there at the end of the first year a history Professor suggested I go to Europe for the summer to "find myself." I found more than myself over there.

I had enough $ saved and asked if she wanted to go with me. She had made other plans for that summer so I went alone. While I did send her a few cards and a few phone calls, I was having so much fun that I neglected her. At least according to an older Australian buddy I first met in Paris, remet in Amsterdam and at the end of the summer back in Paris.
Where together we went to Reims to the Moet Chandon cellars.

I asked him "did I lose her?" And he asked me how many times did I write to her...then he told me I had lost her. When I got back home, there was no one at the airport waiting? I hopped onto a bus, got home and called her. She met me later that night & broke up with me in a nice way. But it still stung & I was crushed. The pain was intense and would last for quite awhile.

September was only a week away & I had transferred to a larger University. I was hurting and needed to make some friends to stay busy. Within a week I had a hundred new aquaintainces via my volunteering in three student clubs. but I didn't date for two years! Sure I spent time with women but nothing romantic.

One woman I met in my Freshman photography classes became good friends with me. We hung out for a year in a platonic relationship shooting some assignments together. She helped me out greatly & I became so attracted to her. But I told her straight out before our first and last kiss that I wasn't prepared to get serious with anyone at that time.

Ok here comes the tough spot. You might be too much in love to deciper his body language. But as a man, if I was in love with you, I'd do almost anything to be with you right now. I'd drop any other romantic interest I had.

Sorry to be so blunt.
Sure he might change or he might wake up. If you want to wait, that's your decision. Just remember to take care of you first, before you can take care of him or whoever.

So please 1) stay busy 2) change your routine-maybe volunteer or get involved in some club, group or activity. 3) find a platonic friend/buddy of the opposite sex and do an activity with them.

You haven't done anything wrong. Sometimes we fall for people who electrify us, send chills down our spines and fill up our lives. But sometimes they don't feel the same way about us. I wish you luck. Tell us how it turns out.

c2009 sei as published on another website
M

10 Years ago I met someone who I got the funny feeling was "The" one. At the time he was married, but now 10 year later, I've returned to my home town, like I always knew I would, to come back to be with him . He is now divorced. We became involved, but something sometimes seemed off, and after many months, he confessed that he has had a girlfriend in another less fortunate country that he has been trying to bring here for 3 years. ( ...I know!)
I was very kind and understanding, and let him know that I was his friend too, and so have given him a lot of space, thinking she was soon to be imported. In my heart, I truly don't think she is coming, but I don't dare say this to him.
The problem is this, he is a lifelong patron at my family's business and comes in about twice a week.
He ignores me, won't make eye contact with me, nothing. It is so horrible. He refuses to allow us to be friends, yet, when we are alone together by chance at my work, he just keeps saying how sorry he is. The last time we spoke, he admitted that he is "trying to make me hate him". He told me that if this relationship which pre-dated me wasn't going on, things would be different. Which I can only take to mean that we would be together.
The advice I seek is this: If someone was TRYING to make you hate them it seems to me that there is a lot of displaced emotional energy there. I mean if he had no feelings for me, he wouldn't be 'trying to make me hate him', right??
Please advise!

But as a man, if I was in love with you, I'd do almost anything to be with you right now. I'd drop any other romantic interest I had.

Outlaw,

This is a beautiful post. I'm sorry things didn't work out for you; it's usually for a reason, though.

I agree with your suggestions to stay busy, change your routine, and make new friends.

Sometimes, we do fall for someone who isn't right for us. The best we can do, is to dust ourselves off, and try again.

Thanks for sharing something from your heart.

To the OP, I wish you the best of luck! It appears that it's time to move on.

WISYS