great first date (i think)... now what?


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rei818 is offline rei818 Post #1  May 24,2009, 3:04pm
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hi folks!

i thought i would get some feedback from others on this website. i met the guy earlier today and it went really well. there was chemistry (at least on my end), we made each other laugh and didn't run out of things to talk about. he stayed as late as he could (he had an appointment & if things weren't going well he could have given himself more time to get there as an 'easy out'). he mentioned that he doesn't always follow the rules of dating (we weren't communicating very long before we met), but in the past there was a woman who moved way too quickly for his comfort.

so, i haven't done the dating stuff in a while and i have a couple of questions:
would it be a bad idea to send an email saying i had a good time (or should i wait x number of days to do it)? i want to take some of the pressure off, to make it clear that i wouldn't reject him for a second date - but i don't want to seem needy, desperate or clingy. also i don't want to scare him off 'cuz those belly butterflies i'm feeling are nice... don't want to screw it up.

also, it seemed like there was chemistry but there wasn't a lot of eye contact. could this just be because he was nervous or because we weren't sitting directly across from each other?

i gave him my phone number... should i just wait and see what he does or would a short had-a-good-time message be appropriate?

thanks to all for your advice/feedback!

rei
 
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blablabla19 is offline blablabla19 Post #2  May 25,2009, 1:43pm
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I always have this same problem myself!

From a guy's perspective, I would say yes, send him a short e-mail / text message saying you had a great time and can't wait to do it again sometime. I personally like it when a girl takes the initiative and does these sorts of things, but that is where it gets tricky, some people like that, others find it as a sign of neediness. Thats why I say just send him a short e-mail, nothing more than "Hey I had a great time the other night, hope you have an awesome Memorial day!" Hope this helps!
 
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rei818 is offline rei818 Post #3  May 25,2009, 1:55pm
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thanks for the response blabla!

turns out he sent me a text message later that night & we ended up chatting on facebook for a few hours.

so, as a man, i want to ask your opinion. (anyone else who reads this feel free to chime in.) i sense the chemistry. we make each other laugh. he is obviously interested (we plan to do dinner and a movie tomorrow, which might be too soon but i'm going through a minor surgical procedure the next day & will need some time to recover). but he hasn't asked me that much about my interests, my family, my goals. our conversations tend to be about music and non-personal stuff like spirituality and politics. if we are moving this quickly & he hasn't asked much about me, is there a good chance that he really only wants the milk and is not at all interested in "renting the cow with the option to buy"?

is this likely his motivation, or should i suspend all assumptions until the second date to see if he asks more about me?

i didn't think a guy would go through all the trouble of the eHarmony process for a purely physical relationship, but apparently it does happen.

okay, thanks again for the previous response & thanks to you or anyone else who comments on my question here.

~rei
 
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rei818 is offline rei818 Post #4  May 25,2009, 2:06pm
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p.s. to my last post - just in case this guy is only interested in something physical, i plan to make sure we go out quite a few times before that's an option. this way, if that is all he wants he can either suddenly become busy or (hopefully/maybe hopefully) realize we might make a good couple & put his baser instincts on hold to see how things would pan out.

would y'all agree that's the best course of action if i'm not looking for something purely physical? is there some secret code that guys use for this stuff or some way i could bring it up without scaring him off (i know the word commitment is off limits for most guys)?

thanks again for the feedback everyone!
 
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blablabla19 is offline blablabla19 Post #5  May 25,2009, 2:21pm
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Ok Rei, I am glad I was able to help you out and will continue to do so to the best of my ability.

I personally don't see any red flags here about how he hasn't asked you any personal information, it could very well be that he was just really nervous (you said he didn't make very much eye-contact), or he may just be one of those people who aren't really much of a conversationalist. It was also stated that he doesn't really follow the rules of dating, so really it could be alot of things but I wouldn't worry too much. I am curious though, did you ask him any personal questions yourself?

However I wouldn't ignore it if he made any MAJOR moves on you immediately because then it could be a sign that he "just wants the milk" and I have actually met girls on EH that are like this, interestingly enough lol, so it does happen. Once again though, I wouldn't worry too much.

To sum it up I would just wait and see what happens on the second date.

I wish you a quick recovery and once again, hope this is helpful!

-kell
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  May 25,2009, 2:28pm
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If you did not thank him in person, definitely do so by e-mail (sooner rather than later.) If you did, an “I enjoyed myself” e-mail is fine; better is to have in it a suggestion for a next date. You could suggest a place, or even a specific date and time.

Level of eye-contact, I think I would let slide.

Not talking about family is totally okay (and preferred, for me.) I think introducing your interests and inquiring about his is okay to bring up. (He may know from experience that his interests tend not to be shared by his partners.)
 
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blablabla19 is offline blablabla19 Post #7  May 25,2009, 2:28pm
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rei818 wrote :
p.s. to my last post - just in case this guy is only interested in something physical, i plan to make sure we go out quite a few times before that's an option. this way, if that is all he wants he can either suddenly become busy or (hopefully/maybe hopefully) realize we might make a good couple & put his baser instincts on hold to see how things would pan out.

would y'all agree that's the best course of action if i'm not looking for something purely physical? is there some secret code that guys use for this stuff or some way i could bring it up without scaring him off (i know the word commitment is off limits for most guys)?

thanks again for the feedback everyone!
In response to this ^

No there really isn't a "secret guy code" to this, at least from my perspective. If I meet a girl and I really like her and want to see where things go, I will wait until she gives me "the signal" to take it to a sexual level.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  May 25,2009, 2:36pm
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rei818 wrote :
in case this guy is only interested in something physical, i plan to make sure we go out quite a few times before that's an option. this way, if that is all he wants he can either suddenly become busy or (hopefully/maybe hopefully) realize we might make a good couple & put his baser instincts on hold to see how things would pan out.

would y'all agree that's the best course of action if i'm not looking for something purely physical? is there some secret code that guys use for this stuff or some way i could bring it up without scaring him off (i know the word commitment is off limits for most guys)?

In my opinion, the right thing to do is to assume your partner is a gentleman who will not push a lady in an uncomfortable manner. The key issue is to be relaxed, and in command of your own life and behavior. Do not preemptively state your “rule.”

I think that good men will generally build the intimacy in a measured way, while being attentive to your concerns. Don’t be cold, or unwilling to embrace or kiss, just be clear and decisive as necessary if he proves more aggressive than you prefer.
 
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Hurricane_Em is offline Hurricane_Em Post #9  May 25,2009, 3:03pm
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I think it sounds like you had a great first date, thanked one another for a lovely time and now you have date numero dos! Way to go!!

I asked a guy about the thank you note thing; is it neediness or is it just good manners...he agreed with me on good manners, but we're in our 40s so go figure.

On that note, I'll keep sending thank you notes; I just sent one to someone I went out w/Saturday, said had a nice time and let's do it again and he responded that he had a nice time as well, so we shall see. Who knows.....

Sounds like you may have found a really nice guy.
 
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rei818 is offline rei818 Post #10  May 25,2009, 5:44pm
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blablabla19 wrote :
Ok Rei, I am glad I was able to help you out and will continue to do so to the best of my ability.

I personally don't see any red flags here about how he hasn't asked you any personal information, it could very well be that he was just really nervous (you said he didn't make very much eye-contact), or he may just be one of those people who aren't really much of a conversationalist. It was also stated that he doesn't really follow the rules of dating, so really it could be alot of things but I wouldn't worry too much. I am curious though, did you ask him any personal questions yourself?

However I wouldn't ignore it if he made any MAJOR moves on you immediately because then it could be a sign that he "just wants the milk" and I have actually met girls on EH that are like this, interestingly enough lol, so it does happen. Once again though, I wouldn't worry too much.

To sum it up I would just wait and see what happens on the second date.

I wish you a quick recovery and once again, hope this is helpful!

-kell
yes, very helpful. thanks to all of you for the insight!

to answer your question, yes i did ask him about himself, his interests, major things he's done in life... in conversations i can sometimes get caught up in the moment & forget to ask the other person about themselves so i made sure i did this. and when he didn't really want to answer something (like a q about family) i would change the subject.

this was my first date with a person i met on eH so i'm glad it was a positive experience. hopefully more where that came from

and yes, i will just assume he is a gentleman and take it from there.

thanks again to all of you,
rei
 
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