Friends or Relationship?


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VetteGirlCynner is offline VetteGirlCynner Post #1  May 24,2009, 6:57am
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This might sound hopelessly naive, but...

I've been dating a guy for about a month and a half. Usually two dates a week. He's intelligent, polite, considerate and kind. The only drawback that I can see so far is that he does not make any physical contact with me other than a hug at the beginning and end of every date. I'm perplexed, because he seems to enjoy my company, and I'm meeting his friends as if we were a couple, but to me, the lack of ANY intimacy only indicates a friendship. I don't want to ruin this by sounding insecure (I'm not, but this is starting to make me a little paranoid), or like a thirteen year old trying to "define" a "relationship. I would like some idea of where this is headed, though, because I have some other opportunities which I have put "on hold" because I really like this guy, and would like to see where it is going, but if it is going nowhere, then I would like to move on.

Any advice/points of view would be appreciated, as I don't know how to handle this.
 
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LindaLoo716 is offline LindaLoo716 Post #2  May 24,2009, 10:04am
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Well if it is naive, I'm right there with you. I'm used to guys trying to kiss me on date 1 or at least on date 2. Is he paying for the outings? Is he doing the asking or is it nearly on automatic because you've been doing this for a little while?

I'm very blunt and I would simply ask him if you have gotten the wrong message. Something like this situation probably is handled best if you sort of place yourself in the wrong so it doesn't come off as an attack. This gives him the opportunity to explain his overly mild mannered behavior.

And I would be equally paranoid!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  May 24,2009, 10:13am
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He is probably shy / nervous around women, and afraid of pushing you too hard. I did the same thing with my first partner.

I think you should be more aggressive yourself and either move in for a kiss, or get humorous about it (hands on hips, “where’s my kiss, already?”)
 
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spaje is offline spaje Post #4  May 24,2009, 10:16am
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I know how you feel about "feeling like a 13 yr. old trying to define a relationship". at 34 and back on the dating scene again (after a 12 yr. marriage) I've felt that too; and it stinks and bugs the heck out of me. It's like trying to define "act like an adult"....

As far as the no intamacy thing... It could be the same way on his side. He might just be trying to be polite, and not sure if he should advance or not (even though he may want to). I've had guys (in my younger days before marriage, and with my current match) ASK if they could kiss me before doing so at the end of a date. Something I found rather nice. It let me know that they wanted to, and were respectful enough to consider me before moving in avoiding that awkwardness had he moved in for it and I avoided. Perhaps, even though the shoe would be on the other foot in your case, you should try it. Ask if you could kiss him good night, or better yet, ask him if he wants to kiss you. If your answers yes, then go for it! If you're not up to that, try the hand holding. Slow advances on your part like that could help you figure out what's up. In otherwords, maybe he's leaving it up to you to take the initiative...

maybe it's just me, I just figure it's not always the guy who has to make the first move.
 
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pussinboots is offline pussinboots Post #5  May 24,2009, 10:16am
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Have you tried to give him any encouragement at all by touching his hand, his arm, his knee, the back of his neck, whatever. Maybe in the past he's been rebuffed by coming on too strong, too soon, and he's waiting for a clearer signal from you.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #6  May 24,2009, 10:47am
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If you have been dating the guy for a while than perhaps you should try to initiate kissing him or something. Some guys are really really shy and just won't make a move because they are seriously afraid it will turn you off of them. So you might consider initiating something. Best wishes with it, I hope it goes well. Seems like he is obviously interested to keep going out with you.
 
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sc4me is offline sc4me Post #7  May 24,2009, 11:16am
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What is the chemistry like? Have you brushed together and felt goosebumps? When he hugs you do you like it? Are you excited to see him and to be with him?

You may be sending the wrong signals inadvertently or there is no tingle feeling between you. If that is the case it might come later, but I don't think forcing yourself on him or being petulant will help.

Find an excuse to touch him. Pretend his collar is crooked or flip the front of his hair (the bangs) and see how he reacts. (And also how you react.)

If his skin feels cold I would say he is just not into you that much and take a break. Don't lie, but find something you need to do and start working on it. See if he comes around.

If not, he is either gay, dead, painfully shy, or just not that interested.
 
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VetteGirlCynner is offline VetteGirlCynner Post #8  May 24,2009, 2:39pm
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Thank you to everyone for the great advice. I should have mentioned that I am a pretty touchy-feely person, and have touched his arm, back, shoulder whatever, many times, which only adds to my paranoia over why he doesn't respond in kind. I guess I'm going to have to bite the bullet and just ask...thanks LindaLoo for the suggestion on how to not sound acccusatory. And thanks to all of the guys for your points of view as well.... It's helpful having that perspective too.
 
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96speed is offline 96speed Post #9  May 25,2009, 9:32am
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A girl once asked me (after we'd gone out a few times), "Are you afraid to kiss me?" Needless to say, it was a loud and clear green light after that.

As a guy, I can tell you I'd be excited if a girl took the initiative for a change and just went for it. I like the humorous angle.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  May 25,2009, 10:02am
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I say you should take the initiative and kiss him.
 
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