Folly of minimizing attraction and chemistry


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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #1  May 22,2009, 11:22pm
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I've been around for a few months, posted on different threads, read God knows how many posts, etc. so I feel I'm entitled to start my own venting and ranting session

In one way or another I hear the same mantra repeated over and over again to the effect that attraction and chemistry really don't matter because these are not the things that ensure a successful long term relationship.

Here is a snippet from one of the EHa Moderators:

Indeed, chemistry is an important factor for many looking for that special someone. However, research has proven that the foundation for a successful, long-lasting relationship is based on internal qualities such as core values, beliefs, and traits.

I don't disagree with the above statement, but I do believe you have to have more context to get the complete picture. I'm very familiar with the research of Dr. Warren (founder of Eharmony) and how he found the key principles that were present in successful relationships.

BUT...... here is the problem with emphasizing this in isolation. In most all of the relationships that were studied (or that could be studied) to find out which ones were successful or not, these couples were initially attracted to each other in some way. These weren't arranged relationships from birth.

Here's the point I'm trying to make, in all relationships there is a starting point where this is some attraction and chemistry, AND the ones that are successful have the other elements present such as compatible personality traits, value systems, etc. You can't separate the two concepts. Yes there has to be something beyond that initial spark to keep the fire going, BUT THERE HAS TO BE THE SPARK IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Yes I've read the posts where someone says they met someone with absolutely nothing there at the beginning and something developed, but this is very much the exception, and very rare for a man.

My problem is that EH and some of those who post try to take one facet of the truth (you need more than initial attraction to succeed) and try to turn that into a conclusion that goes something like this,

It doesn't matter if you don't find each other attractive. If you'll look to see beyond physical appearance and first impressions you can find something much deeper to build a relationship on. This is just tremendously backwards thinking. It's good marketing, but it only sets people up for failure and disappointment. How many times have we seen people posting about how they're constantly rejected and how they initially thought EH was going to be this Utopian experience where everyone responds to all their matches regardless of attraction because they all just know down deep inside that something could develop if they get to know the "real" person on the inside. That's just not reality.

People have been picking mates and starting relationships for thousands of years, and it has most always been done on the basis of some kind of initial attraction, and that's not going to change. There are those under the misguided impression that online matching (and EH in particular) were somehow going to bypass this reality. The truth is with online matching it is even more pronounced.

So.....if you take my thesis as being correct then the next question is what should our response be?

The good thing that Dr. Warren (and EH) can teach us is that once we've made a connection with someone and feel there is some initial attraction and chemistry that we have to go beyond that and see if all the other elements are present for a successful LTR. That's an important lesson that I'm sure all of us have learned at some point, and it is good to be reminded. But let me emphasize again that while there has to be more than this initial attraction, the initial attraction STILL has to be present.

What we should stop doing is expecting some drastic societal shift where potential matches are going to ignore the built-in behavioral responses that have always existed. If he's not attracted to you in any way then he's not going to care about the rest. I'm sorry, but that is the way it is. You can post all day about how you feel men are shallow and dogs, but it won't change it. You have to accept reality. Disappointment is measured by the difference between your expectations and reality. If you adjust your expectations to be more in line with reality then you'll suffer less disappointment.

It will probably take me a few posts to fully develop and clarify what I'm saying so I'll wait for others to chime in, and I'll respond accordingly to round out what I'm getting at. In the meantime I'm sure there will be a few who will "project" their own insecurities and try to label this and read into it what they want it to say, and I'll just deal with that as it comes.
Last edited by waltercl; May 22,2009 at 11:35pm.
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #2  May 23,2009, 12:08am
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Wow Walter! I'm nearly speechless! All I can say is that if you were a couple of inches taller, I go for you in a New York minute!
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #3  May 23,2009, 12:09am
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Last edited by noseyparker; May 23,2009 at 8:34am. Reason: dissenting view removed to maintain the homogeneity of views on this thread
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #4  May 23,2009, 12:28am
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hmm. i feel a need for spark, but you know... after that, i've decided you shouldn't focus on it. you should "save intimacy for extraordinary moments." it's like, you need to kindle a fire that's going to burn even and forever. you don't need things to go up all at once in flame.
 
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christin90 is offline christin90 Post #5  May 23,2009, 12:30am
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I think it is very important to see through physical attraction and chemistry.
Many people put far too much empasis on physical attraction.
Take for example arranged marrages.
I work in a very multicultural workplace and thus a number of my friends are in arranged marrages. The people that I know who are in arranged marrages appear genuinely happy with their relationships and in love with their partner.
Looking at divorce rates arranged marriges have a much lower rate than love marriges.

If initial physical attraction is so important why do these relationships work?
These relationships generally work because parents care about their children. They choose a partner for their child who will mach their child well, looking at personaity and core values rather than looking at how attractive that person is.
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #6  May 23,2009, 1:01am
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Well let me throw a few more things out there as food for thought.

Let's say we could do a controlled experiment and put together 1000 men and 1000 women who were matched on paper as having all the attributes that would make for a successful LTR and we put these couples together although they had never met each other. I think we all know that the success rate of this kind of experiment would be very low indeed.

But what if someone read into this experiment and came to the following conclusion:

Being matched based on compatible attributes, personality traits, etc. does not guarantee a successful long term relationship and what really matters is attraction and chemistry.

This would take a true observation (you need attraction and chemistry) and come to a false conclusion (all the other inward traits don't matter.) WE all know that would be a foolish conclusion, but essentially that is EXACTLY the kind of conclusion that has been come to by studying couples who were initially attracted but who didn't have all the other compatible traits. Both types of these conclusions are wrong.

The truth is you need both in equal amounts. You need the attraction and chemistry to provide that metaphysical as well as physical spark, and you need all of the compatible inward traits that can't be seen in order to form a lasting and successful LTR.

Where we get in trouble is excluding or minimizing either one.
 
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debs101 is offline debs101 Post #7  May 23,2009, 1:09am
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Hey Walter, here's a thought.. I think everyone gets stuck on the idea that the initial attraction has to be physical... for many - myself included it may be something else... like a brilliant mind... or lots of wealth and generosity... a fantastic sense of humour.. or being a wonderful, extraordinary lover -if you have accidently stumbled in that direction - because of course the more you like someone the morel ikely theyare to be attactive to you..
something to think about

cheers
deb
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #8  May 23,2009, 1:51am
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Last edited by noseyparker; May 23,2009 at 1:59am.
 
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wattle is offline wattle Post #9  May 23,2009, 1:58am
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I agree that it takes both value-based compatibility as well as face-to-face chemistry for a happy relationship. I tend to emphasize chemistry here. I think that personality traits, if verbally expressed and matched, are just labels, when you use them to describe yourself, you can't describe yourself correctly or completely... However when you meet someone, he/she could be sensitive to your certain good or bad looks, manners more than other people, even you, would notice. (Is that chemistry?) That sensitivity can hardly be expressed in words, but it stays long, I think.

It may be helpful if with chemistry you pick up cues about some important traits of your date. But if chemistry happens about trivial things then it may misguide you.
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #10  May 23,2009, 1:58am
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Last edited by noseyparker; May 23,2009 at 8:35am. Reason: dissenting view removed to maintain the homogeneity of views on this thread
 
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