Folly of minimizing attraction and chemistry


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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #21  May 23,2009, 7:41am
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Not to worry Tyym. I was the sole dissenting voice. Not everyone appreciates hearing an alternative view.

I have deleted my posts to preserve the homogeneity of views here.



Tyym wrote :
Please everyone... Remember the terms of use here. This is a great thread and I don't want to suspend it. There have been several threads that have been closed as a result of attacks.. let's not have this become another.
 
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Tyym is offline Tyym Post #22  May 23,2009, 7:44am
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noseyparker wrote :
Not to worry Tyym. I was the sole dissenting voice. Not everyone appreciates hearing an alternative view.

I have deleted my posts to preserve the homogeneity of views here.
Actually Nosey... I wasn't referring to you at all.
 
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BlueberriesandWine is offline BlueberriesandWine Post #23  May 23,2009, 8:12am
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I think this is a great post! I agree there has to be something there to get the process started, a spark. However, that initial attraction does not necessarily have to be primarily physical. I have met guys that I have had great conversations with and then thought, hey they're kinda cute. Conversely, I've talked to guys who are considered very attractive but within a few minutes I can't stand to be around them because of their personality. I am not disputing the fact that you need to be attracted to your partner, and for most folks that includes the physical part as well. I remember a post from months ago where a guy said he doesn't necessarily need to be physically attracted to someone to get the process started, he just doesn't want to be un-attracted to her. If you survey 1000 people about what attraction means to them you would get a 1000 different answers. Like others have said, we're all attracted to something different. Hence the saying "there's a lid for every pot".

I think the reason we see lots of posts about attraction is because a lot of people who start out dating, or dating again, don't realize the role attraction plays and take it personally. And let's face it, online dating can be pretty brutal. It's a learning process.
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #24  May 23,2009, 8:41am
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I didn't think you were. Sadly people feel that offering an alternate view is the same as bashing the OP. There was a bit of that happening too. I'm getting tired of it all...

Tyym wrote :
Actually Nosey... I wasn't referring to you at all.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #25  May 23,2009, 8:53am
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noseyparker wrote :
I have deleted my posts to preserve the homogeneity of views here.

We Want Posts!
We Want Posts!
We Want Posts!
We Want Posts!
 
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words_last is offline words_last Post #26  May 23,2009, 9:54am
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I have said this before. We each are looking, subconsciously, for something we have met before, find in ourselves, wish to find in our selves, etc. You know it when you feel it. Complementary-ness. It is possible to see someone and not see a superficial spark, but one day they or you exchange a remark which leads to a very strong type of spark that can burn for years. Friendship is good to find and keep. Mating love of course is better, but the best is when friend and love can be the same.

So phooey to believing a male (who I understand see things more in 3d than females) can really assess sparkiness in online amateur photos. But it does make sense that you have to make snap judgments to wade through it all. One way or another...

ick
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #27  May 23,2009, 10:08am
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Last edited by noseyparker; May 23,2009 at 1:57pm. Reason: to maintain the homogeneity of views on this thread
 
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p5cents is offline p5cents Post #28  May 23,2009, 10:24am
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Walter,
I think you have a legit thought. I hear people talking all the time about "chemistry". Often I have no idea what the specifically mean. To me appearance is essential--but not necessarily because of how sexy they look. As Last12C posted a while back elsewhere, appearance can tell you TONS about a person--what they think of themselves, their interests, and much of their personality. As extensive as the eH matching process is, I think they fall on two points: 1) I think they often match people who are not very closely matched and 2) there is a lot about compatibility that can't be measured in their 29 factors. As to the #1 point, I suspect that eH may match people who fit on, let's say 25 of the 29, but for me one of the 4 might be absolutely essential. Often, just by looking at a picture--and certainly just a few minutes with that person--I can see that a key factor is missing.

So is that "chemistry"? I don't know. Last1 refered to "meshing". I think that is a better word. People who "mesh" share interestes and world views and general attitudes. To me 'chemistry' is "I think you're hot and want to jump your bones." For me a LTR is a lot more about meshing than sexual attraction. But even so, I still need to like to look at her.
Last edited by p5cents; May 23,2009 at 10:24am. Reason: forgot to ask for email update
 
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waltercl is online now waltercl Post #29  May 23,2009, 10:36am
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Very good replies (or at least all of the ones that agree with me )

The main reason I went into this rant is because I see so many posts where people are complaining and ranting against basic reality. It's not that I feel a certain way or someone else feels a certain way, but it is just the reality of the way things are.

99% of people need some kind of initial connection. I do want to highlight what some have said regarding this initial spark not necessarily being based on looks. For those who want to be judged on "inner qualities" let me echo what some others have said, YOU ARE. When you meet someone you're not just meeting a cardboard picture cut-out. You're viewing their personality as it comes out in how they talk, walk, carry themselves, respond to others and their environment around them, etc. I've met very attractive people where there was no spark because of other qualities.

This wasn't meant to try and convince someone of a particular point of view but to help clarify the reality that exists and help people adapt to it so they don't have to keep experiencing the same frustrations and disappointments.
 
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waltercl is online now waltercl Post #30  May 23,2009, 10:53am
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Some further thoughts,

I don't think some people realize just how much they project for others to view and form a conclusion on what kind of person they are. We've talked a lot about how all of this goes into forming a first impression and a major determinant in whether or not there is chemistry. I know some have said that they might be nervous, etc. and don't want to be judged on the first few times they meet someone, but who you are comes out much sooner and much more clearly than you think.

Here's an inside secret for some of you, the number one attribute you immediately project is how you feel about yourself. The person you are meeting will instantly pick up on this. If you have insecurities, doubts, low self-esteem in any form, etc. this is going to come through and speak louder than your appearance and actual words. Your number one enemy is not men (or women) or society or the dating game as a whole, but your number one enemy is yourself. It's like generating a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are insecure and feeling that you'll be rejected and then you are.

Of course if you don't meet certain basic parameters then this won't matter, but if you're even close to being within their zone of attraction and can project some really positive vibes then this can make a big difference.

Here's my advice for women in particular who are upset with the way things are and feel agitated, frustrated, angry (at men), and disappointed. Just stop right where you are. Don't keep adding new wounds and bad experiences to re-enforce the false conclusions you've already come to. Change the reality of what's inside and how you feel about yourself and then when that is done go back out and meet new people.
 
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