Folly of minimizing attraction and chemistry


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winn is offline winn Post #11  May 23,2009, 2:04am

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Question: What happens when people lose their physical attractiveness? This usually happens as one ages. Would the relationship deteriorate because physical attraction is gone?

If two people are physically attracted to each other then usually that continues throughout their relationship and it generally has nothing to do with physical beauty. The longer a couple is together, the more they will be in love and this will keep attraction ongoing and often enhance it. I was married for 23 1/2 years and together with my mate for 25 years. We were physically attracted to each other from day one and that never diminished in those years. In fact I found I was more attracted the longer we were together because I was that much more in love with him and knowing him intimately meant that there were things about him that became that much more endearing over time.
 
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Bandmate is offline Bandmate Post #12  May 23,2009, 3:07am

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The issue of attraction is personal,what i see here are people knocking other peopole's standards of attraction,it's nobody's business what someone else finds attractive or for what reasons.
The other thing is people who are not having much success at dating who lash out at others who they feel are rejecting them,usualy claiming some moral high ground such as "inner beauty"...beauty ,inner or outer once again is a personal observation and decision,how i choose a mate is my affair,if i make the wrong choice for the wrong reason i pay for it,not you.
The differences in how men and women choose a mate is is just that different...women accuse men of being too "visual" and claim that an attractive woman may be shallow,stupid or of little depth...well does a charming convincing personality guarantee a good man ? most con men and crooks possess such a personality..are they good men ? how about"confidence"...how's that working for ya...does confidence gaurantee a good man ? how about money ? problem is a man with money can get a new woman when he want's one and is alway being pursued by them if he has alot of money....bottom line is that women's methods,standards and priorities offer no more guarantees than men's do...why not just live and let live instead of debating,criticising and expecting other peole to either abandon or justify their standards in favor of your's.
Last edited by Bandmate; May 23,2009 at 3:13am.
 
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LavenderFields is offline LavenderFields Post #13  May 23,2009, 3:45am
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waltercl wrote :
{snip}
Being matched based on compatible attributes, personality traits, etc. does not guarantee a successful long term relationship and what really matters is attraction and chemistry.
{snip}
The truth is you need both in equal amounts. You need the attraction and chemistry to provide that metaphysical as well as physical spark, and you need all of the compatible inward traits that can't be seen in order to form a lasting and successful LTR.

Where we get in trouble is excluding or minimizing either one.
Great post Walter! My opinion is that attraction and chemistry are very important in the beginning of a relationship. I personally need to feel a spark, some sort of force that wants me to get to know that person to have a relationship with them, that ooomp that is hard to describe.

Yet that is NOT enough, after a while you realize there is no compatibility in other areas and the relationship cannot prosper into the future. I have had those kind of relationships but at the end even thought we still felt a deep emotional connection we were just 'too' different to move the relationship forward.

So what I think eHarmony 'saves' us, is that second part. We can still find many people in our daily lives who we click with, but probably a long term relationship will not work. But I bet $$$ that we will first decipher how proteins fold before we can decipher what we think is attractive.

It is up to you, and me and everybody in the dating world to convey what floats your boat. NOT on paper, but gut level. I still say, until I meet somebody I am not sure if I would 'like' them. So I trust the system a bit of picking the paper compatibilities but it is up to me to pick who floats my boat.

Unfortunately, I think people get set in the ways (physical) they see themselves married or in a relationship and they loose out on many opportunities.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #14  May 23,2009, 3:47am
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Just wanted to say that you wrote an awesome post and I get what you are saying and completely agree with you. Physical attraction alone is not enough without other aspects of the relationship and other aspects of the relationship are not enough alone if the idea of being intimate with your partner is repulsive to you. Also, I really think that works the same way for both genders.
 
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Tyym is offline Tyym Post #15  May 23,2009, 4:34am
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Walter...

This isn't a rant... it's a manifesto!

Well done Man... Well done! I very much enjoyed reading it!

Core Values and Goals are paramount... but a woman's just gotta float my boat first!

T
Last edited by Tyym; May 23,2009 at 5:23am.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #16  May 23,2009, 6:04am
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waltercl wrote :
Let's say we could do a controlled experiment and put together 1000 men and 1000 women who were matched on paper as having all the attributes that would make for a successful LTR and we put these couples together although they had never met each other. I think we all know that the success rate of this kind of experiment would be very low indeed.

I’ve pondered exactly this, and came to the opposite conclusion (in fact, there is at least one thread and a few posts hidden away on it, too.)
 
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Hurricane_Em is offline Hurricane_Em Post #17  May 23,2009, 6:22am
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Fascinating post!!

I'm in the camp of finding a spark and needing it....but that spark doesn't necessarily transcend into studliness or hotness on the part of the man, either. That attractiveness "spark" can come from great eyes, conversation, 'in-to-itness' of the person to the conversation...not just how big his pecs are or the firmness of his abs. Smart, intellectual types also get the sparks going, too--I need that stimulation.

That said, if the guy were not well-groomed/dressed (and I don't mean expensive clothes; I mean clean, tidy, etc), that's more of a dealbreaker than anything. I feel that's an expectation that most everyone can meet and not unreasonable.

But sparks? I admit I need a bit of one. Like, if I want to kiss the man, then we're on the right track.
 
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Hurricane_Em is offline Hurricane_Em Post #18  May 23,2009, 6:27am
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D_Lion wrote :
I
Further, if we accept that appearance issues are correlated to values and lifestyle in the first place, as I believe they are, then it even more supports my theory.

***

Good OP, and I generally agree, but I think a key element is that some people find many, or most potential partners to be within the range they consider attractive, while other people set a standard that only a few potential partners meet.
I agree with both of these points; I kind of was getting at the first statement in my post--mainly that if you generally look healthy and are healthy, a lot of times you have good habits or a happy and productive lifestyle (good diet, no addicitons/drinking issues, healthy body and so on). Doesn't mean you're the most attractive person on the planet, but it does mean you take care of the body that you've been given.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #19  May 23,2009, 6:40am
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Either I am missing something or the OP is missing something in the other threads that he is referring to.

There is generally two camps on chemistry. The ones that need an instant spark and the ones that are willing to give the chemistry some time to develop. I don't think that either says that you don't need to have physical attraction however if you are requiring an instant spark the only thing you can base that on is physical attraction or lust.
 
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Tyym is offline Tyym Post #20  May 23,2009, 7:10am
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Please everyone... Remember the terms of use here. This is a great thread and I don't want to suspend it. There have been several threads that have been closed as a result of attacks.. let's not have this become another.
 
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