putting his friends first


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candiceann is offline candiceann Post #1  May 21,2009, 9:04pm
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is at home.

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I am a single mom of two little girls one is 2 and the other is 8 months. I have been seeing a man for 8 months, when we first started dating he had not had a relationship in a year or more, by the way he is 34. But my problem is he puts his friends before me at almost every oppurtunity he gets. They can call and he jumps at the chance to go out with them--bars, golf, beach trips whatever the only place we go is movies and out to dinner maybe once a month. Part of the once of month is my fault because I do love to spend time with my girls and their father has nothing to do with them. He also has big commitment problems I have my own place he lives in an apartment owned by his parents and is talking about buying his own house--"HIS OWN HOUSE!" In future plans I am never included. I just want to know if I'm wrong for feeling angry for him spending so much time with his boys..it's almost like he wants to be a batchelor but dosen't want to let me go!! Please help all my friends are happily married or going to be. Thank You!
 
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pukeko is offline pukeko Post #2  May 25,2009, 6:39pm
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has a long report due Thursday and still not even .5 there. **headache**

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this is a difficult one. i give him credits for having some kinds of value, especially friendship. but there has to be a balance between family and friendship.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  May 25,2009, 6:43pm
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It's not up to him to let you go, it's up to you to allow yourself to be in a relationship that makes you happy. If his future plans do not include you, there is your clue - it's a big one. So do listen to your gut and rather than wasting energy being angry, move on to greener pastures and find someone actually who actually does include you in his life.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  May 25,2009, 6:52pm
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Ordinarily, I would say a man would jettison his buddies in about 0.8 seconds to be with a girl he wanted. Buddies accept this.

In your case, the two children (of one or more other men) are likely a factor.

I would wonder if you’re truly available? Or do you make too many excuses … use your children as justification for why you can’t participate in the things he has invited you to?

***

If this is a case of single man versus single mother, somebody has to make the first move to cross the lifestyle barrier. Probably you will put the burden on him, and probably he will walk.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #5  May 25,2009, 6:59pm
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Man dates a single mother....kids come first. Always. If he's not up for that, leave him to his buddies. You have a bigger job ahead of you than raising him too.

Sometimes patience can pay off in a case like this but I am first and foremost an advocate of doing what's best for the little ones. If he's not it, find someone who is.
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #6  May 25,2009, 7:08pm
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It sounds like hanging out with you is something to do when he doesn't have anything else to do. I doubt there's much future in this.
 
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treatmesweetly is offline treatmesweetly Post #7  May 25,2009, 7:20pm
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Sorry, but it sounds like you are the fun he has when he's not having fun with the guys. He's living in an apartment paid for by his parents and even though he's planning to buy a house, it doesn't sound like he's planning to have you in his future.

It's time to move on. Good luck!
 
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Doctora2012 is offline Doctora2012 Post #8  May 25,2009, 7:23pm
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The part about wanting to hang out with his buddies wouldn't concern me, but the part about not including me in his future plans would concern me. I just read an article on here by Steve Harvey (book promo) and he mentioned that most guys know after 6 months whether they want a relationship (I got the answer to a question I recently posted on here).

Bottom line, if he's not including you in his future plans then it's unlikely that he sees you two together. At 34, I'm a little surprised he hasn't figured out whether he'd like to be with you after going out for 8 months. I totally understand that some guys simply "might not know" yet, but he's providing other signals that indicate he's probably not going to stick around...

How old are you? I'm asking only because you might be looking for a more serious, long-term relationship at this point in your life (I'm 31 and looking for someone that I can see myself with in the future and raise a family). If you are at this point, then it sounds as though this guy is not the right one to be dating since his behavior and words suggest he's not ready to settle down.

....Best wishes
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #9  May 26,2009, 9:25am
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I am a little confused. Did you say you had been dating for 8 months but only went out about once a month? That equals to about 8 dates. Then, if you only see him once a month, then of course his friends are going to be a priority. Has he told you he loves you, and is committed to only you? If not, then why would he make you a part of his future plans. It sounds like you have either not spent enough time for that or simply that as the old saying goes, "he's just not that into you".
You even admit some of the restrictions on dating are by you wanting to spend the majority of your time with your children, which is admirable but it sounds like you want to date him only on your terms. You want him to think only of you, spend time only with you (even though it is once a month).
If I have misconstrued this, I apologize, but if you want to spend only once a month with him, what is he supposed to do the rest of the time?
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #10  May 26,2009, 9:56am

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DancingFool wrote :
It's not up to him to let you go, it's up to you to allow yourself to be in a relationship that makes you happy. If his future plans do not include you, there is your clue - it's a big one. So do listen to your gut and rather than wasting energy being angry, move on to greener pastures and find someone actually who actually does include you in his life.
I am with DancingFool and the others on this one. Don't pull a "Liz" and be with this guy for eight years and still be at square one. Waiting patiently did not help me one bit - all I got was older and more wrinkles.
 
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