putting his friends first


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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #21  May 27,2009, 4:51pm
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Single parents should date, of course. To suggest otherwise is ridiculous. There are good times to be had at home & it is not that hard to get a solid babysitter once in awhile.

The scenarios & the pace are likely going to be different but I have known many successful relationships that involve even young children.

The OP may be with a selfish guy... I don't know. The information given alone does not give me that impression though.

If he does not spend any time with the OP then he would not be very generous with his time & that is weak. From the information given, all that I can read into that is that he does not take her on dates. He may very well be spending time at her place because she is tied to her home to a large degree.
 
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sheera007 is offline sheera007 Post #22  May 27,2009, 6:49pm
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bigfincat wrote :
If he does not spend any time with the OP then he would not be very generous with his time & that is weak.
"generous with his time" ?? huh??

Does not compute.

Does not compute.

The only way I want my boyfriend spending any time, on me, is if he wants to simply because he likes being with me. If someone has to budget his time for me... however generous or frugal that budget might be... then no thanks.
 
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Bandmate is offline Bandmate Post #23  May 27,2009, 6:51pm

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bigfincat wrote :
Single parents should date, of course. To suggest otherwise is ridiculous. There are good times to be had at home & it is not that hard to get a solid babysitter once in awhile.

The scenarios & the pace are likely going to be different but I have known many successful relationships that involve even young children.

The OP may be with a selfish guy... I don't know. The information given alone does not give me that impression though.

If he does not spend any time with the OP then he would not be very generous with his time & that is weak. From the information given, all that I can read into that is that he does not take her on dates. He may very well be spending time at her place because she is tied to her home to a large degree.

No it is not ridiculous....it is both practical and responsable...what is ridiculous is expecting total strangers to care as much about your kids as you do...then having the audacity to complain when it doesn't happen
Last edited by Bandmate; May 27,2009 at 7:07pm.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #24  May 27,2009, 7:50pm
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Bandmate wrote :
No it is not ridiculous....it is both practical and responsable...what is ridiculous is expecting total strangers to care as much about your kids as you do...then having the audacity to complain when it doesn't happen
It is absolutely not ridiculous at all.

My cousin married a single mother (a really good woman) & had 3 more children with her & they are doing quite well. To him, she was no different than the childless woman. Was she impractical for dating & building a life with him?

I know of at least 6 examples of men dating and/or marrying women that happened to be single mothers in my family alone. It is EXTREMELY common.

I disagree with your logic.

Oftentimes, the man that sticks around becomes more of a father to a child than the ones that are not around.

Not all men can handle that situation & the OP is wondering whether or not this guy is serious about it or ever could be.

I would say that 8 months is too early to tell. Even in the less complicated childless situation, 8 months is too early to know if it is serious IMO.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #25  May 27,2009, 7:56pm
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sheera007 wrote :
"generous with his time" ?? huh??

Does not compute.

Does not compute.

The only way I want my boyfriend spending any time, on me, is if he wants to simply because he likes being with me. If someone has to budget his time for me... however generous or frugal that budget might be... then no thanks.
You need to put time into a relationship. If a man is not spending time with you, then are you even in a relationship?

I expect that my SO will be a very giving person & part of that giving will be of her time. I will give the same to her in return.

I think that you may be reading too much into the word generous.
 
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sheera007 is offline sheera007 Post #26  May 27,2009, 8:14pm
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bigfincat wrote :
You need to put time into a relationship. If a man is not spending time with you, then are you even in a relationship?

I expect that my SO will be a very giving person & part of that giving will be of her time. I will give the same to her in return.

I think that you may be reading too much into the word generous.
I don't think I am. I'm reading it the same way I'm reading your point about "giving" time.

Of course, if someone doesn't want to spend time with me, I wouldn't consider it much of a relationship. Not my kind of relationship, anyway.

Who doesn't want their SO to be loving, caring, giving, etc? Yes, all relationships need to be nurtured to stay strong... especially after the thrill of the newness wears off. And sometimes when both parties get busy with work, etc... yes, they might need to make an effort to spend some quality time together.

But still... to me, it should be a matter of WANTING to spend time together... not a matter of "giving" time or being "generous" with one's time. I only want someone to spend time with me because he WANTS to spend time with me. Not because he feels obligated to "give" his time to me. No thanks, dude. Don't do me any favors.
 
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Bandmate is offline Bandmate Post #27  May 28,2009, 2:31am

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bigfincat wrote :
It is absolutely not ridiculous at all.

My cousin married a single mother (a really good woman) & had 3 more children with her & they are doing quite well. To him, she was no different than the childless woman. Was she impractical for dating & building a life with him?

I know of at least 6 examples of men dating and/or marrying women that happened to be single mothers in my family alone. It is EXTREMELY common.

I disagree with your logic.

Oftentimes, the man that sticks around becomes more of a father to a child than the ones that are not around.

Not all men can handle that situation & the OP is wondering whether or not this guy is serious about it or ever could be.

I would say that 8 months is too early to tell. Even in the less complicated childless situation, 8 months is too early to know if it is serious IMO.

Anecdotal at best...yes there are exceptions to everything sometimes kids who don't graduate high school form their own companies and become rich,but getting a good education is still the best way...likewise staying with the person you made the child with is the best way or giving the child a stable environment and not parading men and women in and out of their lives to satisfy your own selfish desire to have a mate is the best way.
 
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sheera007 is offline sheera007 Post #28  May 28,2009, 9:45am
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Bandmate wrote :
Anecdotal at best...yes there are exceptions to everything. sometimes kids who don't graduate high school form their own companies and become rich,but getting a good education is still the best way...likewise staying with the person you made the child with is the best way or giving the child a stable environment and not parading men and women in and out of their lives to satisfy your own selfish desire to have a mate is the best way.
I agree. I wouldn't go so far as to agree that single parents need to wait, until their kids are grown, to date or be in a loving relationship. I think single parents can have a social life... just as well as married-couples-with-children can have a social life... as long as the kids come first!

But, unfortunately, you are right. Far too many single moms (yes, I know dads are guilty too - but that's another whole post) do not put their kids first. Having a warm body in their bed... or finding a boyfriend/husband... comes first with soooo many of them.

I have two girlfriends, who each have two kids. They will both swear up & down that nothing is more important than their kids... but their behaviors do not reflect that sentiment.

One has been married twice - the other only once. But both have been in a bzillion 'relationships'. And just as you said... have had various men parading in & out of their children's lives. Is there really any stability, in that, for the kids? And what kind of example does it set for the kids? Not to mention all the time & energy spent, away from the kids, while they're so focused on finding their next man... or romancing their latest love-interest... or moping when yet another one doesn't turn out to be as she'd hoped.

Disclaimer:
Before all the single moms jump all over me, for this post... I know... yes, I know... that my two friends do not represent all single moms. I know there are lots of good, attentive, loving, single moms who are not like this. But I also know that this type of behavior is not exclusive to my two friends. It is fairly common.
Last edited by sheera007; May 29,2009 at 10:19am.
 
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