is there a problem of going slow?


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treeye is offline treeye Post #1  May 19,2009, 1:28pm
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I used to fall quick for a guy, but I ended up getting hurt by those who're not compatible with me. At this point, I do want to start a serious relationship. so this time, after I met a guy who's a good match to me, I told him I want to take it slow coz I want to get to know him first.(another reason is I want to keep my options open) but I guess he likes me a lot, he wants to see me more than three times a week. so after I declined some of his invitations, i can tell he's confused.

how slow is too slow? how often we should see/ contact each other at the begining stage of dating?

thanks.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #2  May 19,2009, 1:44pm
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Treeye,

There is no universal definition of what constitutes "slow" as it pertains to dating. You are slowing things down for valid reasons, and you have to go at your own pace.

I would say that if you are comfortable with doing so, explain why you want to take things slow and set your parameters. If it's more about you than about him, then say so. He will have a better understanding of your position, and if he really likes you he will respect those boundaries.

Best of luck.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  May 19,2009, 1:51pm
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The problem with being on the receiving end of “let’s take it slow” is that what I hear is, “sorry, I’m not excited at the prospect of seeing you.”

This puts me in a less-than-welcome situation: I either have to dial back my interest in her, or give up and put my attention toward women who return it.
 
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longsocks is offline longsocks Post #4  May 19,2009, 2:06pm
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treeye wrote :
I used to fall quick for a guy, but I ended up getting hurt by those who're not compatible with me. At this point, I do want to start a serious relationship. so this time, after I met a guy who's a good match to me, I told him I want to take it slow coz I want to get to know him first.(another reason is I want to keep my options open) but I guess he likes me a lot, he wants to see me more than three times a week. so after I declined some of his invitations, i can tell he's confused.
Can you just explain exactly what your post says to him? It might help ease his mind that it's not a lack of interest on your part, but that you don't want to repeat past mistakes.

It may or may not make him want to stick around and go at your pace, but it's better than him just being confused and leaving because of that.
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #5  May 19,2009, 2:14pm
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If you tell a guy you've been hurt before and like him but don't wanna rush things...he should understand. However, if all you say is you want to take it slow, then it's easy to misunderstand that as lack of interest.
 
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4getmenot is offline 4getmenot Post #6  May 19,2009, 2:20pm

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From the other side....it's not a good feeling. It feels as if you are being rejected and the person is NOT really interested; not much into you. Especially if YOU know that the person is potentially seeing other people, you feel like you are a second choice. I have been there and I didn't like it....although I had a feeling the person was taking it slow it still didn't feel good.
 
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greybeard is offline greybeard Post #7  May 19,2009, 2:20pm
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I thought that "going slow" or more correctly waiting for the woman to send a signal that she wanted more was a respectful thing. Wrong! A woman I was very interested in went with someone else because she thought I was not interested in her because I moved too slowly. My advice at this point is to forget about old fashioned respect and "go for it" - she will let you know when when to stop.
 
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pamcam is offline pamcam Post #8  May 19,2009, 2:21pm
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There's slow and then there's dead turtle pace slow. 5 months of EinfernalHell email became a problem for me, as we never moved forward from this, so I chose to learn my lessons, feel grateful for the experience, and move on from "this."
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #9  May 19,2009, 2:40pm
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Three times a week is a LOT for when you first start dating. For a normal working person, that is your entire weekend devoted to one person.

I believe that dating should occur at the slowest common denominator. It should go at the pace that is comfortable for both. If you want it slow, and he doesn't, well, either one party has to sacrifice, or the relationship dies. If neither wants to compromise, then guess whats left.

The key here is communication. Don't leave the guy guessing if you want to go slow or if you're not interested. Show that you're interested, but also communicate the fact that you want to take it slow and assure him that there are no crossed signals here.
 
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JoJoBean is offline JoJoBean Post #10  May 19,2009, 4:49pm
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I was told by a friend who is also a MFT that in the early stages you should have no more than one date and one phone call a week. I looked at her like... you have got to be bleeping kidding me. I have not been able to hold to it, but I understand the reason.
 
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