How to balance looks and other qualities when dating?


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IMCurious is offline IMCurious Post #1  May 16,2009, 5:08am
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I am a 1st time poster so bear with me if my ettiquete is not up to par. I'm basically curious as to how much attractiveness is a factor in dating...

To give you some background without posting a pic. I'm an average looking girl..35 years old 5'4" weight fluctauting between 120-135lb
(people are amazed when I tell them I am 20lb overweight--even my doctor & the trainer at the gym thought no more than 10 until I got on the scale) I have only been asked out maybe 4 times in my life (players, needy people or men 10-20 yrs older) and have never been told by a male that I was pretty, beautiful (except by one crazy person) or attractive. The few times I fished-when dressed up for weddings etc-would my ex(we were together over 5 yrs) would say that I looked "fine" or "ok." I know that in addition to being "plain" I am also shy and probably come off as reserved but still...

So..after reading these boards I googled POF and put a profile up. I later realized that my pic was being rated and being curious...swapped it out for a few others to see the results. For the close up head shot--4.7, for the other pics with a bit more personality, figure showing etc--6.6. So I'd it pretty much confirmed my opinion that I'm flat average.

Ok---my questions:
1. Have any of you ever had your pic rated and has it helped or hurt your image and or dating practices?
2. What do you consider yourselves (1-10) and what are you attracted to?
3. If you are consistently attracted to people more attractive than you (if I'm a 5/6 I tend to be attracted to 7/8 but only 4/5 tend to be attracted to me) but only people less attractive like you...how does that affect you dating?
4. At what point do you realize that if you are ever going to date you need to not consider attractiveness a factor since the rare people interested are not attractive to you?

**sorry this is so long winded...would really appreciate feedback.
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #2  May 16,2009, 5:31am
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I sense an underlying lack of confidence in yourself. You seem excessively focused on your extra pounds. It seems that you exercise and they pesky extra pounds will either go, or they're simply part pof your genetic makeup.

You seem to be dismissing the men who seem interested in you. Pardon my asking, but why do you feel that you deserve someone who rates higher on the attractiveness scale than you? Surely you want to be given a chance. Why aren't you giving these men a chance?

On POF, you probably need to look like a model, or be half dressed to get a high rating. You can adjust your POF setting so your photo is not rated.

Just my 2 cents.
 
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IMCurious is offline IMCurious Post #3  May 16,2009, 5:38am
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I admit that I have self confidence issues...but I do want to oint out that I have given 3 of the 4 guys who've asked me out a chance. (I'm not including people that I met online and got to know there first before scheduling a "meet" in this count as I feel this is very different from being asked out in RL) #1 was a player...who broke my heart 2x, #2 was needy emotionally & financially and used me, #3 was literally crazy---he lied about everything and ended up stalking me...I know have a restraining order. #4 is the only one I turned down because I was 25 and he was 45-50ish....I just didn't feel it would be a good match.

I give everyone a chance (especially since as I said...only guys 4 or below or 15-20 yeras older are interested.)...and hope that personality etc will make up for whatever may be lacking in looks...just as I'd hope someone would do for me. I just seem to only attract guys who are 4 or below so to speak
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #4  May 16,2009, 5:45am
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First off, I suggest you stop rating people. Do you think you might have been a tad too giving, or had too many expectations which caused the 'player' to hurt you? I understand about the older guy-a 15-20 year age difference is a different generation. You may also need to think about what went wrong. Sorry about your experience with the stalker. How did you come to be involved with the stalker? Did you give out too much info too soon? How did you come to be giving the other man money?

Do you think you used good judgment? You don't give all and sundry a chance. You should give a guy a chance if he meets more lasting criteria, such as honesty. Trust takes time to build. I'm not trying to bash you, but you are the common factor in your dating experiences. Women who are not confident do not necessarily attract the best partners. You may need to work on that aspect of yourself before you start looking for a serious relationship. What do you think?
Last edited by noseyparker; May 16,2009 at 5:50am. Reason: clarification
 
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IMCurious is offline IMCurious Post #5  May 16,2009, 5:56am
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Most important I just want to point out that prior to yesterday and realizing I was rated on POF--I never once thought of myself or guys in that way. Honestly I still don't but was curious enough after yetsreday to think abut it and wonder if it was an aspect in my dating life that I'd been ignoring...

I appreciate your feedback Nosey...and yes I realize that I am the common denominator and think that a combination of lack of confidence, lack of experience and lack of looks have contributed to my attracting less than desirable partners. Also as I have so few opportunities I probably give people more of a chance than I should. Regarding the guy who played me--the only fault I will take in that was being a fool. He promised me the world, marriage, kids, white pictet fence, slept with me then ditched me--like I said...I was a fool...but didn't "ask to be used" (These threads seem to indicate that there is always an excuse for a guys behaviour and should a woman ever question it she is clingy or will drive the guy away) The needy financially unstable guy had a million good qualities, we did have good give and take in the relationship...we were together 5 years, but ultimately he wasn't "in love " with me---he admited it looks were a factor--so it didn't work. And the stalker I actually met online on a non dating site...waiting 6 mo before giving my # out and a year before meeting...so I was not too hasty. I simply was deceived...a lot easier long distance.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #6  May 16,2009, 6:31am
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1. Have any of you ever had your pic rated and has it helped or hurt your image and or dating practices? Never had my pic rated.

2. What do you consider yourselves (1-10) and what are you attracted to? I would consider myself above average in terms of looks, but that's where I leave it. "Looks" is such a subjective term, I think it pertains to one's entire figure, not just the face. I look for a woman who's of average or better attractiveness, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't consider any woman with whom I feel compatible.

3. If you are consistently attracted to people more attractive than you (if I'm a 5/6 I tend to be attracted to 7/8 but only 4/5 tend to be attracted to me) but only people less attractive like you...how does that affect you dating? I wouldn't say I'm "consistently" attracted to more attractive women, but I would definitely be attracted to more attractive women...if that makes any sense, lol.

4. At what point do you realize that if you are ever going to date you need to not consider attractiveness a factor since the rare people interested are not attractive to you? I think we always take attractiveness into consideration, but some people's expectations are a little unrealistic.
 
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Nature_Lover is offline Nature_Lover Post #7  May 16,2009, 6:34am
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First of all I'll just say that I'm sorry to hear of your negative experiences and hope that you have a few good ones to balance it out. I also hope that you have your stalker situation under control...scary stuff. I've also learned that it takes a long time to "really" get to know someone as people can present a false front or tell you what you want to hear for months...

That said I agree with Nosey that it sounds like perhaps a lack of confidence is leading you to attract and engage with the wrong sort of men. It's time to start looking for, appreciating and enhancing all your good qualities and then presenting that self to the world.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #8  May 16,2009, 6:35am

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honey, you should never rely on a man to tell you that you are beautiful.

pictures can and do lie. some people aren't as photogenic- but that's not really the point- you need to find yourself attractive before others do. you just need a little self esteem, and a guy is not going to give that to you.
 
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Bandmate is offline Bandmate Post #9  May 16,2009, 9:27am

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IMCurious wrote :
I am a 1st time poster so bear with me if my ettiquete is not up to par. I'm basically curious as to how much attractiveness is a factor in dating...

To give you some background without posting a pic. I'm an average looking girl..35 years old 5'4" weight fluctauting between 120-135lb
(people are amazed when I tell them I am 20lb overweight--even my doctor & the trainer at the gym thought no more than 10 until I got on the scale) I have only been asked out maybe 4 times in my life (players, needy people or men 10-20 yrs older) and have never been told by a male that I was pretty, beautiful (except by one crazy person) or attractive. The few times I fished-when dressed up for weddings etc-would my ex(we were together over 5 yrs) would say that I looked "fine" or "ok." I know that in addition to being "plain" I am also shy and probably come off as reserved but still...

So..after reading these boards I googled POF and put a profile up. I later realized that my pic was being rated and being curious...swapped it out for a few others to see the results. For the close up head shot--4.7, for the other pics with a bit more personality, figure showing etc--6.6. So I'd it pretty much confirmed my opinion that I'm flat average.

Ok---my questions:
1. Have any of you ever had your pic rated and has it helped or hurt your image and or dating practices?
2. What do you consider yourselves (1-10) and what are you attracted to?
3. If you are consistently attracted to people more attractive than you (if I'm a 5/6 I tend to be attracted to 7/8 but only 4/5 tend to be attracted to me) but only people less attractive like you...how does that affect you dating?
4. At what point do you realize that if you are ever going to date you need to not consider attractiveness a factor since the rare people interested are not attractive to you?

**sorry this is so long winded...would really appreciate feedback.

I don't beleive in "rating" anyone,and the ole 1-10 scale is like everything lese...relative and subjective...as far as personality goes i don't believe i have ever met a woman who was not a charm in the beginning,warm,witty,considerate....you name it...and then came later and the real person,so when i read through all of these profiles of women telling me how fabulous they are i chuckle as i'm sure they do about the men.I try to be myself from the start and it can and has resulted in a rejection...but it is for the best in the end....being attracted to people you consider more attractive than you is human naturte,we all want what we can't have...and like someone said a man is not going to provide you with self esteem....women don't do that for men either....good luck
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #10  May 16,2009, 11:32am
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Sleeping with a man because he promises you the sun and moon is not a wise idea. But I guess you figured that out by now. There are no guarantees in life, but I daresay you may want to allow a lot more time to pass before you get physically involved with a man. No need to let him know of your past experiences, for he'll know your weak spots, and use them if he's a player. I'm thinking some therapy may be in order, to help you learn to love yourself, and to establish appropriate boundaries.

I get it about the stalker. Sorry you had that experience. I don't know the details, so I can't say if there were red flags.

But it's all a load of rubbish, to believe that women have no right to question inappropriate behavior.


IMCurious wrote :
Most important I just want to point out that prior to yesterday and realizing I was rated on POF--I never once thought of myself or guys in that way. Honestly I still don't but was curious enough after yetsreday to think abut it and wonder if it was an aspect in my dating life that I'd been ignoring...

I appreciate your feedback Nosey...and yes I realize that I am the common denominator and think that a combination of lack of confidence, lack of experience and lack of looks have contributed to my attracting less than desirable partners. Also as I have so few opportunities I probably give people more of a chance than I should. Regarding the guy who played me--the only fault I will take in that was being a fool. He promised me the world, marriage, kids, white pictet fence, slept with me then ditched me--like I said...I was a fool...but didn't "ask to be used" (These threads seem to indicate that there is always an excuse for a guys behaviour and should a woman ever question it she is clingy or will drive the guy away) The needy financially unstable guy had a million good qualities, we did have good give and take in the relationship...we were together 5 years, but ultimately he wasn't "in love " with me---he admited it looks were a factor--so it didn't work. And the stalker I actually met online on a non dating site...waiting 6 mo before giving my # out and a year before meeting...so I was not too hasty. I simply was deceived...a lot easier long distance.
Last edited by noseyparker; May 16,2009 at 11:43am. Reason: clarification
 
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