Disheartened...once again


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summerctz is offline summerctz Post #1  May 16,2009, 5:08am
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I am, once again, disappointed with online dating. I've been doing this on and off for 5 years now and have had barely any "luck". My current stint with eHarmony has produced only one date in one month. That went nowhere. He was almost surly and barely talked. He presented himself much differently online. I closed that without bating an eye!

I am currently communicating with a man, but I'm not sure how much of a match we really are. He's the only match I have left.

When I first signed on this time I was flooded with matches that first week. However, 50% didn't have any photos posted and did not respond to a photo request. So I closed them. I just feel its inequitable for me to "put myself out there" and they "hide".

Now I'm "stuck" with this three month membership. It's been 3 weeks since there have not been any new matches.

I find that as I've gotten older (I am now 53) the pool has become very shallow. Most men my age do not really want a women in their age group. I've tried dating older men, but have found that we're really from different worlds. Many of them are preparing to retire and I can't...financially. I have two kids in college.

And, quite frankly, younger men don't interest me and they don't seek me out either. I guess I'm not "Cougar" material. lol

So, here I sit in dating limbo.
 
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SisterCassie is offline SisterCassie Post #2  May 16,2009, 6:01am
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Oooh, sorry to hear that. I would say to give the guy you are communicating with an opportunity to come through. I was communicating with someone once who wrote very brief responses but seemed to have a lot more to him than those responses might indicate. Possible reasons: doesn't like to type; better expressing himself verbally and spontaneously in various situations; doesn't really "get" the online stuff (that could be particularly true for someone older).

Turns out, the guy was great in person. And I miss him.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #3  May 16,2009, 6:24am
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summerctz wrote :
I am, once again, disappointed with online dating. I've been doing this on and off for 5 years now and have had barely any "luck". My current stint with eHarmony has produced only one date in one month. That went nowhere. He was almost surly and barely talked. He presented himself much differently online. I closed that without bating an eye!

I am currently communicating with a man, but I'm not sure how much of a match we really are. He's the only match I have left.

When I first signed on this time I was flooded with matches that first week. However, 50% didn't have any photos posted and did not respond to a photo request. So I closed them. I just feel its inequitable for me to "put myself out there" and they "hide".

Now I'm "stuck" with this three month membership. It's been 3 weeks since there have not been any new matches.

I find that as I've gotten older (I am now 53) the pool has become very shallow. Most men my age do not really want a women in their age group. I've tried dating older men, but have found that we're really from different worlds. Many of them are preparing to retire and I can't...financially. I have two kids in college.

And, quite frankly, younger men don't interest me and they don't seek me out either. I guess I'm not "Cougar" material. lol

So, here I sit in dating limbo.
First off it would seem that you have chosen to hide yourself here. At least in the body of your post you gave us a clue to how old you are. Other than that we know nothing about you that would help us give good suggestions.

Gee I feel so old now. I am currently dating a 53 year old so that must make me a dirty old man or something.

OK on to some suggestions that may make your experience better. You indicate that you have been on eHarmony before. So if you did not re-take the Questionnaire when you joined this time you should contact eHarmony support about re-taking it. Then your matches are determined by how you have answered the questions on the Questionnaire. If you thought it was a joke you will get joke matches. Then you should review all your settings to see if there are some things there that you may wish to be more flexible on. I will suggest that you may want to try changing your Want More Children setting, girls tend to put No while guys tend to put Maybe and therefore do not get matched.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  May 16,2009, 6:28am
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Another thought, if you are not initiating contact with your matches you should do that. Most guys like when a women shows interest and self confidence by initiating communication. Also you are paying your money just like the guys so you should take advantage of using the system not just be passive.
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #5  May 16,2009, 6:37am
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I haven't been at eharmony long, but I'm hearing that complaint about the photos and not responding a lot since I've been reading the boards. Honestly, I don't get some of it (I guess because I'm a newbie and gonna have to learn the hard way).

I truly wish you were having better luck. I haven't been having that much luck, either, so far. For one thing, unlike you, I don't have a photo up. And here's why, and this may in some way help. I joined first as a trial member, just to test the waters and see if this was something that I really wanted to do. I'd never joined a dating site, and for me it was kinda scary. Then, I bit the bullet and went for it. My first day, before I even truly knew how to navigate the site, I was getting photo nudges. I mean, I hadn't had time to fully complete my profile, and I started getting closed matches because of a lack of photo. Well, I thought to myself, these people aren't even about trying to get to know me at all. All they want is a photo. Now, I'm not saying that looks aren't somewhere important, but I'm of mind, if I'm picking my book for the jacket, I'm going to miss out on some good reading if I don't take a little bit of time to investigate. And sometimes what's the flashiest, isn't all that great reading material. So, now, since I've become a little ticked about it, I haven't been in a rush to post a photo. Might not work out to well for me in the end, but I'm a willing to play the odds.

All that is to say, maybe if you haven't tried it, you could open the communication first, and after you've talked for a while get the picture. It's sort of like sometimes when you go shopping for one pair of shoes in mind and come home with a pair that is completely different from what you originally thought but are much better. I'm not saying you're wrong for your choices, I just want to point out another way of looking at it.

I aso heard people complaining a lot about not getting matching or matches not responding to communications. I think eH should add a feature that asks each member when signing up, on average how much do they plan to respond or use the site. Or since they have "fasttrack" communication, develop a system for persons where serious daters are marked in their profile or something.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in dating whether it on here or not and truly hope that you find someone. All I can really say is don't give up hope.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #6  May 16,2009, 6:43am
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summerctz wrote :
I am, once again, disappointed with online dating. I've been doing this on and off for 5 years now and have had barely any "luck". My current stint with eHarmony has produced only one date in one month. That went nowhere. He was almost surly and barely talked. He presented himself much differently online. I closed that without bating an eye!

I am currently communicating with a man, but I'm not sure how much of a match we really are. He's the only match I have left.

When I first signed on this time I was flooded with matches that first week. However, 50% didn't have any photos posted and did not respond to a photo request. So I closed them. I just feel its inequitable for me to "put myself out there" and they "hide".

Now I'm "stuck" with this three month membership. It's been 3 weeks since there have not been any new matches.

I find that as I've gotten older (I am now 53) the pool has become very shallow. Most men my age do not really want a women in their age group. I've tried dating older men, but have found that we're really from different worlds. Many of them are preparing to retire and I can't...financially. I have two kids in college.

And, quite frankly, younger men don't interest me and they don't seek me out either. I guess I'm not "Cougar" material. lol

So, here I sit in dating limbo.
Well, if younger men don't interest you, it shouldn't bother you that you aren't Cougar material. Have you ever tried dating younger men?

I think that with online dating you have to be a little more open-minded to have a chance at a positive experience. Assuming that online dating is not your preferred method of choice for meeting men, and that you've had some difficulty meeting men IRL for whatever reason, it's time for a change in strategy. Are you from the "traditional" school where you don't initiate communication with men you might actually find interesting? Have you considered expanding your search parameters?
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #7  May 16,2009, 6:45am
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It is so complicated, ya'll, and it doesn't even have to be.

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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Another thought, if you are not initiating contact with your matches you should do that. Most guys like when a women shows interest and self confidence by initiating communication. Also you are paying your money just like the guys so you should take advantage of using the system not just be passive.

Hmm. Okay, I hear what you're saying about being first to initate contact. But if a woman wants a man to be assertive and he doesn't make the first move, well, I don't see a lot of interest developing later. I've initiated contact first, and quite frankly, I've been a tad more partial to the men who have contacted me first. But as I said in another post, I'm a newbie and likely will have to learn the hard lessons. Good advice tho.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #8  May 16,2009, 6:49am
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CreolePrincess wrote :
Hmm. Okay, I hear what you're saying about being first to initate contact. But if a woman wants a man to be assertive and he doesn't make the first move, well, I don't see a lot of interest developing later. I've initiated contact first, and quite frankly, I've been a tad more partial to the men who have contacted me first. But as I said in another post, I'm a newbie and likely will have to learn the hard lessons. Good advice tho.
If letting the man do the work has brought you success, then by all means stick with that. But if women like the OP are having trouble finding men the traditional way, and she wants to get benefit from her paid membership, maybe she should try taking the first step.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  May 16,2009, 7:02am
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CreolePrincess wrote :
Hmm. Okay, I hear what you're saying about being first to initate contact. But if a woman wants a man to be assertive and he doesn't make the first move, well, I don't see a lot of interest developing later. I've initiated contact first, and quite frankly, I've been a tad more partial to the men who have contacted me first. But as I said in another post, I'm a newbie and likely will have to learn the hard lessons. Good advice tho.
I am going to ask you to read and think about what I wrote about initiating and what you wrote about it. Think about it this way, If I get 10 matches every day (has never happened yet) then I am going to have a lot of matches to look at and contact even if only half of them seem interesting. Now if a few of them respond then I just may too busy keeping up with the matches that I had already received when your profile shows up in my Match folder. If you found me interesting and don't initiate then you may miss out on meeting me. It does not really indicate that I am not interested in you it is just that there are a lot of others ahead of you in line. If you initiate then that moves you ahead of all the other girls that just sat around passively to see if I would initiate communication with them.

Like I said before you are paying your money so you should, and have the right to, use the eHarmony system to it's full advantage.
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #10  May 16,2009, 7:05am
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Oh, I didn't say that I wouldn't. And I have. I just said I was a little more partial to the ones who contacted me first. Not all traditions are bad in my opinion. But then again, I'm all about making new traditions, too.
 
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