Pleaes give divorcing women a break


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twolatesmart is offline twolatesmart Post #1  May 16,2009, 4:32am
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Lots of guys say they don't like it when divorcing women rant about the details of their divorce. True, it isn't a good idea to share that on a first date, but if things go much further, you will know all about it. It isn't very likely that we divorcing women are going to wait to meet people until the divorce is final and all our baggage is cleared up. It just isn't practical to expect that. People in my dating age range have often been divorced twice!

It is the same complaint as the not so attractive or not so thin match who hides a heart of gold under the exterior. Please give us a chance to get past the ranting. It will be short lived if the relationship is right. Then the new relationship will become paramount and the divorce will all of a sudden become secondary. Patience is such a necessary virtue.
 
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trailviews is offline trailviews Post #2  May 16,2009, 4:40am
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twolatesmart wrote :
[...] It isn't very likely that we divorcing women are going to wait to meet people until the divorce is final and all our baggage is cleared up. It just isn't practical to expect that. People in my dating age range have often been divorced twice!

[...] Please give us a chance to get past the ranting. It will be short lived if the relationship is right.
And it sounds like you know this from lots of personal experience?

Why does this not sound very appealing?
 
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Tyym is offline Tyym Post #3  May 16,2009, 5:27am
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twolatesmart wrote :
Lots of guys say they don't like it when divorcing women rant about the details of their divorce. True, it isn't a good idea to share that on a first date, but if things go much further, you will know all about it. It isn't very likely that we divorcing women are going to wait to meet people until the divorce is final and all our baggage is cleared up. It just isn't practical to expect that. People in my dating age range have often been divorced twice!

It is the same complaint as the not so attractive or not so thin match who hides a heart of gold under the exterior. Please give us a chance to get past the ranting. It will be short lived if the relationship is right. Then the new relationship will become paramount and the divorce will all of a sudden become secondary. Patience is such a necessary virtue.
Hi twolatesmart (cool name)

I agree with you... talking about your past too early in the dating process is unwise, but not talking about your past is equally unwise. I personally want to understand the cause of the breakdown of a past LTR... I also want to share my past experiences as well. Understanding the nature of a breakdown is preventative if you choose to understand and learn form your past experience. Sharing that with your partner is a healthy thing.... For me, it allows me to see if that process has acutally occured. I am not interested in entering into a LTR with someone who hasn't taken the time to reconcile their past; who simply moves on from relationship to relationship repeating the same behaviour.

Getting back to the point of your post, I would be more surprised if you didn't talk about your past experience and relationships! Again.... waiting until you are certain the new coupling has some legs is probably best. If your potential mate shys away from their past (or yours)... I personally would consider that a major red flag and without a very solid explanation... I would likely move on. Denial is not something I wish to engage in in any form!

As for 'divorcing'.... I think it is wise to be in a position to have your past be just that... your past. It is tough and in some cases, unfair to bring someone into the divorce process. It is an emotionally taxing and uncertain process that does not bring the best out in most people. Unless the mechanics of the divorce are final, and you are waiting for a court to pronounce your decree, I would not be likely to enter into a relationship during this time. Once again, time is a very necessary element to the healing process. Even if we think we are free from the clutches of the divorce, often, we are not. Taking time (in in some cases counselling) to really reconcile your past, free from the divorce process is a very healthy thing.

I personally believe that if more people really took the time to understand the mechanics (pathology) of their past relationships and the causal factors that resulted in it's breakdown, the secondary divorce rate would be substantially lower!

Again, I agree with you... patience is a virtue!
Last edited by Tyym; May 16,2009 at 5:33am.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #4  May 16,2009, 6:46am
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twolatesmart wrote :
Lots of guys say they don't like it when divorcing women rant about the details of their divorce. True, it isn't a good idea to share that on a first date, but if things go much further, you will know all about it. It isn't very likely that we divorcing women are going to wait to meet people until the divorce is final and all our baggage is cleared up. It just isn't practical to expect that. People in my dating age range have often been divorced twice!

It is the same complaint as the not so attractive or not so thin match who hides a heart of gold under the exterior. Please give us a chance to get past the ranting. It will be short lived if the relationship is right. Then the new relationship will become paramount and the divorce will all of a sudden become secondary. Patience is such a necessary virtue.
I would assume that includes equal consideration for men who are divorcing?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  May 16,2009, 6:46am
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Just my thoughts, if the divorce is not final you are still married. If you are still married and are out dating then you are cheating.

If you are ranting about your divorce (weather it is final or not) then you are not yet ready to be dating again. Get your baggage cleaned up and thrown away before you start off on a search for another partner / relationship.

Until you get your divorce / past life and experiences in order the guys that you are dating are just rebound guys. Any guy who is looking for a real LTR does not want to be the rebound guy. It does not matter how great a catch you think you are, you are projecting all the wrong things.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #6  May 16,2009, 6:50am

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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Just my thoughts, if the divorce is not final you are still married. If you are still married and are out dating then you are cheating.

If you are ranting about your divorce (weather it is final or not) then you are not yet ready to be dating again. Get your baggage cleaned up and thrown away before you start off on a search for another partner / relationship.

Until you get your divorce / past life and experiences in order the guys that you are dating are just rebound guys. Any guy who is looking for a real LTR does not want to be the rebound guy. It does not matter how great a catch you think you are, you are projecting all the wrong things.
yep, what he said.
 
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brownize916 is offline brownize916 Post #7  May 16,2009, 7:21am
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Discussing the details of your failed marriage and ranting about your ex are drastically different things. If a woman is constantly complaining about what a slimebag her ex husband is not only does that make her appear to be bitter and no fun to be around (and definitely not ready for dating) but to me she has yet to accept her responsibility in the breakdown of her marriage. No matter what, it takes two.

I think getting a break from the men you date is going to start with you. If you can't go five minutes without ranting about it then I can't blame any guy for running far away. If you talk about it in the past and in a manner that shows you've moved on in a healthy way then you shouldn't have a problem. Why should any man have to wait for you to get past it? Shouldn't you be there already when you start dating? Beginning a new relationship to forget about the old one is risky and not fair to the person you're dating. Something to think about.
Last edited by brownize916; May 16,2009 at 7:25am.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #8  May 16,2009, 7:22am

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noone likes a whiner.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  May 16,2009, 7:47am
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brownize916 wrote :
Discussing the details of your failed marriage and ranting about your ex are drastically different things. If a woman is constantly complaining about what a slimebag her ex husband is not only does that make her appear to be bitter and no fun to be around (and definitely not ready for dating) but to me she has yet to accept her responsibility in the breakdown of her marriage. No matter what, it takes two.

I think getting a break from the men you date is going to start with you. If you can't go five minutes without ranting about it then I can't blame any guy for running far away. If you talk about it in the past and in a manner that shows you've moved on in a healthy way then you shouldn't have a problem. Why should any man have to wait for you to get past it? Shouldn't you be there already when you start dating? Beginning a new relationship to forget about the old one is risky and not fair to the person you're dating. Something to think about.
Well hello there. It has been a long time since I have seen you around the boards. Welcome back
 
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all_seasons is offline all_seasons Post #10  May 16,2009, 8:22am
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A new date shouldn't have to endure divorce rants. You said it yourself.

It might be a good idea to ensure that you've exhausted your complaints on somebody else and aren't seeking validation from a new partner. If you really are still ranting about the divorce, then you likely aren't in the right place emotionally to start a LTR.

I dont think that anybody has the right to tell you that you shouldn't date. That's up to you. My soon-to-be-ex will be dating right away too (or already is, who knows!). But the divorce rants will probably killing any chance for anything healthy to develop long term.

I plan to not officially enter the world of dating until we are physically living separate, and I find that my son is doing well with the new arrangement, and even then I'll take my time. I DO NOT want to be kvetching to a woman (that I want to date) about my ex.
 
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