Your a Nice Guy but.....


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smashcow is offline smashcow Post #1  May 15,2009, 10:05am
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So it seems all the girls I date have used this line on me. Your a nice guy but........ So I just got out of a great year long romance. The girl I was dating wanted to move in with me and marry me ( she made it clear) and I wanted the same. I was scared and started pushing her away. At the same time my father found out his cancer was about ready to take him all the way. I work two jobs, take care of two kids and asked for a couple of weeks to think about it. Two months later I'm single & she went out and found someone else. I told her she could move in but it was too late. Her response was she should have came first, life is unfair and your a really nice guy you will find someone else. I'm glad I found out now she couldn't stay faithful to the purpose of marriage instead of down the road but on the way out she said she wanted to date and compare me to other guys and maybe someday she would come back to me. My questions are: How do you shed the nice guy tag when your dating and be the one.
Other girls I've went out on a date with always pick the other guy and then call back later and want to know if we can start something back up again as I was the nice guy. I can't except being number two in someones life is that wrong to feel that way? Or am I being shelfish when it comes to dating and finding a long lasting relationship? Thanks for anyhelp.
 
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CM001 is offline CM001 Post #2  May 15,2009, 10:54am
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I am quite a bit older than probably most that reply on here, so I will give my opinion from experience.

Most women in general, I feel want to know if the relationship is going to go somewhere. No one wants to waste their time seeing someone, if they are in fact, are wanting to settle down, get married and start a family someday. A year I feel is plenty of time to know if this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with or not. If she's not a possible future partner, and you know she wants a committment, its best let her go to find what she wants with someone else who is also wanting a more serious relationship.

Being a nice guy, is a good thing not bad. You just haven't met the right girl yet then, to appreciate those good qualities. Don't give that up. The right girl will stumble into your life sometime without even looking for her. She will recognize your qualities and know she found a diamond, and won't think twice. It may not be right away, but women out number men, so there's plenty who are looking for a nice guy, you just haven't bumped into her yet.

Dont be scared of relationships, but take your time and don't rush in to fast. I have always told my kids things that happen quickly (sexually) usually don't last. I feel this way, because I feel you have to be good friends to have a good solid realtionship to make it though really tough times. You have to be able to communicate and really get to know each other. Lust on the other hand is that. Once the excitement calms down, then you realize, that that is someone you really don't like as a person. Take you time to get to know each other, building a friendship into your relationship.

After women get the taste of a not so "nice" of guy they will be looking for the complete opposite, so don't give up. She's around, but you just haven't ran ito her yet.
 
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EastCoastMermaid is offline EastCoastMermaid Post #3  May 15,2009, 11:06am
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Smash,

First, anyone who cannot see that you had other crucial obligations isn't worth a mention.
As far as nice goes... if you feel you are a pushover, and you feel you should toughen a little, then do it. If you like yourself and the vibe you give, then someone appreciative will notice....someone who sees every facet of you, and doesn't put you second to someone else's whim. And why would you want to be a spare guy for anyone?
 
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smashcow is offline smashcow Post #4  May 15,2009, 11:31am
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I thought I did toughen up a bit but I guess I pushed her away. It just hard being alone with a tough work schedule. I think people like to hurt each other anymore in life when it comes to dating.
 
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mustluvlife is offline mustluvlife Post #5  May 15,2009, 12:20pm
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Girls all seem to want a nice guy until they get one.....kinda sick of hearing it myself
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #6  May 15,2009, 12:30pm
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smashcow wrote :
My questions are: How do you shed the nice guy tag when your dating and be the one.
Other girls I've went out on a date with always pick the other guy and then call back later and want to know if we can start something back up again as I was the nice guy. I can't except being number two in someones life is that wrong to feel that way? Or am I being shelfish when it comes to dating and finding a long lasting relationship? Thanks for anyhelp.
Yeah...uh. Stop being the nice guy!
Now, I'm not saying "be a jerk". But being a "nice guy" means being walked on. It means being a wimp. Women aren't attracted to wimps. Some women will date them-but not for long. After they realize they aren't attracted to the "nice guy", they'll leave them for someone who isn't such a push-over. I'm not saying you're a wimp or a push over but when women tell you that you're a nice guy, that's what they mean. You never hear them saying that about their boyfriends! That's because they don't equate being over accomdating with attraction. Again, their boyfriends might be good people, but they're far from "nice guys". It's the same as when someone says that overweight girl has a "nice personality". She probably does. But you never hear women with great bodies being described as having great personalities. They're called "hot". If you want to be the "hot" guy, then stop being so "nice". Be a little naughty too. Not a jerk! But not so nice.
 
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smashcow is offline smashcow Post #7  May 15,2009, 12:38pm
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That the bad thing with her I wasn't so nice I stood my ground and compromised. She would always give alot. She told me if I would have asked her to marry me she would have said yes, I also wanted to marry her but wanted to make sure this would'nt happen. Its sad but I just can't be an a jerk to someone I care so much about. How do two people go from both wanting to be married to nothing at all.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #8  May 15,2009, 12:45pm
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I really don't understand your question(s). You're kind of jumping around. I know its hard when you break up with someone but it sounds like you need closure with her, not advice. Ask her for it. And remember this: a year long relationship isn't enough time to know if you should marry someone. I don't care what anyone else here says. I don't care if THEY got married and it worked out great or if their grandparent's met and 6 months later got married and have been for 50 years. That's not reality. Reality is that you didn't really, truly know this person. Now you do. I'd also be very curious to know how old both of you are. That makes a BIG difference.
 
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Wootz is offline Wootz Post #9  May 15,2009, 12:51pm
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As a former "nice guy"… Boccabum has a point. "Nice" guys often are passive rather than assertive. Nice guys focus on their designated female to the exclusion of themselves, and when nice guys have to get a little assertive- then the change is bad. Show confidence from the start (not arrogance- big turn off for either sex). If you put out that "it would be nice to date you, but it won’t be a blip on the radar if I don’t" vibe, if you don’t make it *too* easy on the girl, she’ll appreciate you more for it.

Think about it. You appreciate more the things you have to work a little for, don’t you? I know I do. I believe women are the same way. If love, chocolates, a shoulder to cry on, and a sympathetic ear to listen are *always* there for the asking it can seem like you have no life of your own, and are a little bit of a parasite. Now, I wouldn’t say any of these apply specifically to you, but a wise woman I once knew explained it all to me after a particularly nasty break-up.

Take care of you and your own first and make no bones about it- nobody else will do it for you. A woman who is worthy of you will come along one day and appreciate you for that. It sounds like you are on the right track already, just stay confident and the right one will notice and appreciate it. I wish you luck smashcow, and I hope this helps.
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #10  May 15,2009, 12:51pm
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As hard as it may be to accept this, there are persons who are more enthralled that the idea of being married, than with the person they plan to marry. So anyone who offers a 'better deal' will take priority. Sorry this happened, smashcow, but its best that she showed her selfish side, before you were actually married. You had a lot on your plate, over which you had no control. The right woman would have allowed you to deal with your immediate family's situation first.


smashcow wrote :
That the bad thing with her I wasn't so nice I stood my ground and compromised. She would always give alot. She told me if I would have asked her to marry me she would have said yes, I also wanted to marry her but wanted to make sure this would'nt happen. Its sad but I just can't be an a jerk to someone I care so much about. How do two people go from both wanting to be married to nothing at all.
 
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