I want to be exclusive & he's not ready...need some advice!


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bct31 is offline bct31 Post #1  April 24,2008, 7:22am
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I've beendating one guy for about 6 weeks, we've hung out once each week & have recently slept together. We have a great connection & enjoy spending time together. On our last date, I mentioned that I would be interested in not dating other people, take myself off dating sites etc & see where things go with us. He said he wasnt ready for a relationship & couldn't commit to that. I know it's still early & wasn't necessarily thinking we would be in a serious relationship. He travels a lot for work & leads a very busy life. I was just hoping that he felt that same way as me & would want to spend whatever free time he had for dating, with me to see if there was someting more between us. He said it takes him longer to get to know someone & to want that level of commitment. I'm 32 (divorced) & he's 39 (never married or engaged) and I feel like we are both old enough & have dated enough that we should both know after 6 weeks if we're interested & see potential with one another. Am I wrong for thinking this? I'm starting to wonder if he has commitment issues or if he just not as interested in me as I am him. I'm not sure how much longer I should continue to date him if I want more & he doesn't. I'm at the point of feeling very uneasy thinking about him being out on dates with other women. In the meantime, until he commits to more, I am keeping myself on dating sites & open to other guys. Any advice??? Thanks!
 
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themeindzeye is offline themeindzeye Post #2  April 24,2008, 7:37am

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Have you flat-out asked him what he's looking for long-term? A realtionship? Just a fling? A friend with benefits? It sounds like you have a lot of questions for him, that you should probably go ahead and ask.

Based on that information, you have a choice to make here. 1. Try to ride it out and wait for him (and deal with the thought of him seeing other people without becoming a Green-Eyed Monster), or 2. honestly tell him you're very interested, but are looking for a relationship and can't continue with him if he doesn't feel the same way. Can you handle waiting for him (if he is looking for a relationship eventually), or is the jealousy going to eat away at you?
 
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SactoDoug is offline SactoDoug Post #3  April 24,2008, 7:39am
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It sounds like you already took the appropriate action. You have to take him at his word. He says he is not ready for a relationship. That also means that you have no obligation to him either. So you are doing the right thing by seeing other men. Maybe you will find a guy who is ready to take that next step. When that happens, well, he missed the boat.

When you do see him, keep things as they were. Don't try to pressure him or change anything about how you act around him. Maybe he will come around when he has more time to think about it. But keep in mind that there is a real chance that he may never come around. This is why it is important for you to stay on the market.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
 
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christen7466 is offline christen7466 Post #4  April 24,2008, 7:51am
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I agree with Doug... you deserve someone who wants to be with you. I don't think that 6 weeks is too soon at all. If either of you thought that you found exactly what you were looking for, you wouldn't want to take the risk of either person meeting someone else. Fear of committment is an overused excuse that women give to men. Most of these men will committ eventually, with someone else. It sounds harsh, but I hate to see women wasting time and energy on men who are so indecisive and flaky about what they want. You are worth too much to settle for this!
 
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apenman is offline apenman Post #5  April 24,2008, 8:14am
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I hate to keep trotting out the book 'he's just not that into you' but i think its so helpful for us.

I think you can keep dating him, but you need to be less available. You need to be actively dating, meeting other people, and most importantly NOT always available to go out when he wants to go out. This takes the convenience factor away, leading him to either stop seeing you (in which case - good riddance to bad rubbish) or to say, hey, I don't actually like not seeing her all the time and I want to make this exclusive.

Or you can cut to the chase and say, well, i'm looking for an exclusive relationship. I like you and would like to see where it goes, but I'm not going to wait around for you to decide if you like me enuogh. Peace out homie.

Either option takes a lot of strength on your part. Make a lot of plans with friends, focus on hitting the gym, sign up for a class, do something to keep your mind from obsessing over the minutes and hours since you've talked and who he might be out with now. (That's the part that turns me into a nutjob!)

You are definitely worth a relationship... don't spend too much time cooling your heels with this guy.
 
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aguyspoint is offline aguyspoint Post #6  April 24,2008, 3:59pm
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bct31, wrote :
I've been dating one guy for about 6 weeks, we've hung out once each week & have recently slept together. We have a great connection & enjoy spending time together. On our last date, I mentioned that I would be interested in not dating other people, take myself off dating sites etc & see where things go with us. He said he wasnt ready for a relationship & couldn't commit to that. I know it's still early & wasn't necessarily thinking we would be in a serious relationship. He travels a lot for work & leads a very busy life. I was just hoping that he felt that same way as me & would want to spend whatever free time he had for dating, with me to see if there was someting more between us. He said it takes him longer to get to know someone & to want that level of commitment. I'm 32 (divorced) & he's 39 (never married or engaged) and I feel like we are both old enough & have dated enough that we should both know after 6 weeks if we're interested & see potential with one another. Am I wrong for thinking this? I'm starting to wonder if he has commitment issues or if he just not as interested in me as I am him. I'm not sure how much longer I should continue to date him if I want more & he doesn't. I'm at the point of feeling very uneasy thinking about him being out on dates with other women. In the meantime, until he commits to more, I am keeping myself on dating sites & open to other guys. Any advice??? Thanks!
Ok, let me try to give you a guy's perspective based on your paragraph, which I'll try to simplify a bit.

1. You've been out with him for what sounds like six dates over six weeks, and you finally slept with him on one of the most recent dates.

2. You first say you don't want this to be a serious relationship. However, you also just asked him to go exclusive - usually the differentiating point between casual and serious - and he said no and was honest about it. You also admit to being really uneasy about him going out with other women and expect him to "commit to more". Contradiction #1.

3. You have a built in set of expectations as to what he should and shouldn't be doing at this point while dating you, and aren't happy that he's not meeting them despite there being a "great connection". You defend him for being busy, but you also expect him to spend whatever free time he has with you. Contradiction #2.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you're being unfair to yourself with unclear expectations and unfair to him with confusing and probably unrealistic ones.

The latter is a bit of guesswork on my end, but if you've been through the ringer (divorced) and he hasn't, it's probably not fair to expect him to be able to judge relationship potential as quickly as you can even if he's older That's assuming he even wants a relationship, which is pretty hard to tell from what you said. If he was honest in his answer (and again I'm guessing, but it sounds like he was since he wasn't trying to sleep with you), he might down the road - but six dates is actually pretty early for someone who travels a ton, works a lot, and has little free time to have a gun put to his head and be ambushed point blank to get in one, especially since it sounds like you hadn't had much of a discussion about this before.

On your end...again, I don't know enough to say this for sure, but you sound like you're walking into this with a pretty inflexible timeframe and set of expectations. That makes it sound worse than it is - everyone is entitled to their own needs while dating - but the contradictions in what you've said are a big yellow flag. You'd best first figure out exactly what you want out of this, how much you're willing to compromise on what you want, and then act appropriately. That act may range from deciding that his potential is worth it to take him at face value and give him a while longer to figure out what he wants (4 or 5 more dates and he doesn't have an excuse) all the way to basically telling him, "no, you're not what I'm looking for right now."

And yeah, while you're doing that, go ahead and date freely. You're entitled to that. So is he.

I'd advise against the games in Greg Berehndt's book because until you figure out what you want and can communicate it clearly to him, there's not much of a point.
 
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Red Sox Girl is offline Red Sox Girl Post #7  April 24,2008, 4:37pm

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I agree with some of the folks above - if you're happy seeing him still, go for it but keep your own options open. It might also be worthwhile considering not sleeping with him again - if for no other reason than to make yourself less available to him, especially as there's a chance he may be sleeping with other women if he's seeing them anyway.
 
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mystikchik is offline mystikchik Post #8  April 24,2008, 5:12pm

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I just don't think six weeks or six dates, even if you had sex, is very long time to be dating. I would run for the nearest exit if some guy wanted me to be his exclusively after a handful of dates. I don't think it would be because I am not into him. I think it would have more to do with the fact that at six dates I am not, yet, ready to someone's exclusive girl. It is too soon, in my opinion.

Why not jsut date? Have fun. See where it goes. I think relationships should be more organic than rule driven or too defined. I think it is better to become a defacto exclusive relationship rather than asking that it be an exclusive relationship.

My advise: stop trying to micro manage your relationship and simply live and celebrate it.
 
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SweetKatieA is offline SweetKatieA Post #9  April 24,2008, 5:22pm
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My advice. If you push it too hard he will run away. Guys don't likefeelinglike they're beingnagged or forced into something even if you're just doingthe same things you were doing before (like calling him all the time or asking him out whatever). I agree with some of the people above. I personally don't like playing games so I don't act like I'm unavailable. I get my butt off the couch and become unavailable. I go out with other people or make plans with my girlsor whatever. Then maybe he'll see that he doesn't want you to get takenout from right underneath his nose or he'll continue his bachlorhood until he's tooold to know any better. Good luck!!!
 
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JohnD.34 is offline JohnD.34 Post #10  April 24,2008, 5:38pm
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What is the hurry? Do you feel if you don't have him tied to you RIGHT NOW that you may lose him to someone? What would be the difference in your relationship if you had a promise from him that this was now an exclusive relationship? Katie, above, is right if you push too hard you will only succeed in pushing him away.
 
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