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apriling72 apriling72 is offline
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Martini11, wrote :
I have always had a problem taking compliments from guys. I think it's because I don't want to get hurt. I am in my mid-twenties and I don't want to be standofish to guys. So here is my question: How do I tell when a guy is sweet talking me and when he is really conpilementing me with what he is saying? I had a guy last night tell me that I look beautiful in my picture, I have an adorable smile, and he doesn't know why I don't have a lot of guys going after me. He also complimented my personality and intelligence as well. How do I believe what a guy tells me without getting screwed over?? I feel like in today's day and age the younger genneration needs to be really cautious with who they date. I think my fear is getting involved with soneone who lies to me just so he can hook-up, which is not my thing. Thanks to anyone who can offer advice
Take the compliment and feel good about yourself! Tell him thank you! There is so much negativity out in the world today, if someone says something positive about you, take it and feel good about it! There's nothing wrong with that!! Imagine if you wanted to give a gift to someone and they refused.... How would you feel?? It's the same with a compliment. It makes the one giving the compliment feel good too if they have made you feel good!!

Does that mean you have to melt like butter over his words and fall in love with him? Or even date him?? Not at all!

The way to know if someone is giving you a line, or being honest, is simple... A guy giving you a line will forcefully pursue you. They will not allow you to say thank you, and move on. They will EXPECT you to melt like butter over them. That is how you know the difference! A man who is respectful will not act like that and he will have your best interest in mind if he likes you.
- April 24th, 2008, 03:16 pm
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JMWTurnerFan JMWTurnerFan is offline
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christen7466 wrote :

I think there are various ways to tell if the guy is being sincere, but they cannot be generalized because each guy is different.

Allow me if you will, to illuminate another issue. Self confidence. This used to be an issue with me. Unwillingness or uneasiness in taking compliments shows insecurity and low self esteem. Whether or not the guy actually means them, you should believe what he is saying because you know that you are fabulous! It sounds silly but I think that men like women who like themselves. Why? In intimate relationships we want to be loved... we want to be loved by someone who knows how to love... they learn how by loving themselves and the people who are already in their lives.

Another note: your self worth should not come from or be dependant on another person's assessment of you. I LOVE who I was created to be! You should too! If you have confidence in yourself, it shouldn't matter whether compliments are sincere. They aren't going to change your behavior will they? Cause you already know that you are awesome...

As for discerning a smooth talker from the real deal... women's intuition. You will know... With a healthy knowledge of who you are and what you have to offer, you will be able to navigate which comments are taylored to you and which are ready-made and pre-packaged.

Good luck, Sister!
Her comments are right on the mark.

As far as discerning truth from talk, it's harder to do online than in person. In person there are all kinds of subtle clues. Actions will give you more clue as to what a person truly thinks, though, so just watch his actions over time. Without time, it can be difficult to be sure, but over time you'll definitely know.
- April 24th, 2008, 03:17 pm
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Tinderbox Tinderbox is offline
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RC_Cinci wrote :
I'd guess 90% of the compliments that a guy gives aren't genuine. Even when two guys talk, the rare compliments that are given tend to just be ways to curry favor or establish the social hierarchy.
That's nonsense. I have no doubt that it's true of players and salesmen-type personalities, but not all guys are not like that.

Obviously if I give a compliment it's because I want to be complimentary, either for my own motives or because I just want to make the woman feel good about herself. But it's always genuine, I don't shotgun the compliments.

And that part about guys talking amongst themselves sounds like something you got from a book. My male friends and I don't sit around complimenting each other all of the time, but when it does come up it is also genuine. But I don't hang around shallow jerks or guys who are concerned about who is alpha. I can spot a phony from a mile off because it oozes off of them like slime. I don't hang around insecure people like that. I prefer to be around people who are positive and a good example for me to follow or learn from, who have good character and values, not just good "game".
- April 24th, 2008, 03:29 pm
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RC_Cinci wrote :
Martini11, wrote :
I had a guy last night tell me that I look beautiful in my picture, I have an adorable smile, and he doesn't know why I don't have a lot of guys going after me. He also complimented my personality and intelligence as well.
You may be all those things, but.. uh, I gotta go with "sweet talking" on this one. It is that last part ("guys going after you") that gives it away. I'd guess 90% of the compliments that a guy gives aren't genuine. Even when two guys talk, the rare compliments that are given tend to just be ways to curry favor or establish the social hierarchy.

Do women ever read those books like _The Game_ or other "How to be a playa"-style books? I think, if they did, it would really benefit from them, even if they are designed for the opposite sex. Those books tend to be over the top, but they help to explain the antics/mindset/actions of a lot of men if read correctly. And.. yes, a skilled player WILL "bother with you as a person," because that'sone of the easiest ways to gain trust. The actions say everything. If he does "try to steer things toward an intimate encounter really soon," he's insincere (especially if he's trying to make you break personal rules [no sex on the first date/don't go back to his place on the first date/whatever].

I really agree with this comment. His actions will tell you what his true intentions are and if he truly cares about you as a person or not. Is he pushing you to compromise your ethics in any way?

- April 24th, 2008, 03:33 pm
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I've always had a problem trying to figure that out too. Lack of eye contact tells me quite a bit. Appreciate all the posts.
- April 24th, 2008, 03:53 pm
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I don't think in the big scheme of things there is any difference between being complimented and being sweet talked. If some guy takes the time to say I look sexy or that this or that dress or pants looks really good on me, why should I care what are his motives. No doubt his motive like all of our motives is a mixed thing: partly driven by a desire to say what he is feeling and partly because he would like to get in our pants.
- April 24th, 2008, 03:59 pm
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A real compliment is one that is specific to you. The compliment should come with a specific example.
Saying you look nice or have a good personality or are intelligent is too generic. Probably part of his date standard operating procedure.

If you get a generic compliment you can ask him why he says that. Or you can smile, say thanks, and move the conversation along.
- April 24th, 2008, 04:02 pm
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RC_Cinci wrote :

Do women ever read those books like _The Game_ or other "How to be a playa"-style books? I think, if they did, it would really benefit from them, even if they are designed for the opposite sex. Those books tend to be over the top, but they help to explain the antics/mindset/actions of a lot of men if read correctly. And.. yes, a skilled player WILL "bother with you as a person," because that's one of the easiest ways to gain trust. The actions say everything. If he does "try to steer things toward an intimate encounter really soon," he's insincere (especially if he's trying to make you break personal rules [no sex on the first date/don't go back to his place on the first date/whatever].
The problem I have with the "seduction community", as it's so charmingly named, is not the building of male self-confidence and assertiveness aspects, which are good things. It's the focus on sex, scoring, and "sealing the deal" as fast as possible. It's so utterly short-sighted and appeals to the most prurient, quick-fix impulses of both men and women.

Of course it helps to have knowledge of female psychology in order to learn how to communicate successfully with women, especially strange women. But the cheap way many of these gurus present the setup and the goal leaves a bad taste. The whole "Don Juan" mentality and the psuedo-psychology of neuro-linguistic programming is laughable and pathetic in its half-educated application by barflies.

I knew Neil Strauss ("The Game") casually in the early 90s, as a friend of a friend at Columbia. He was a nice, kind of shy and quiet guy. It disgusts me to see what he's done with his life since then and his sleazy promotion of the pickup artist lifestyle. The perception is one of sleaze, not of male empowerment.

The game is an illusion if you have nothing serious ultimately to offer beyond it. And it's easy to score if you have no standards and will sleep with anything, but so what? There are plenty of women open to a shallow approach because they are shallow themselves, and it's no accomplishment to charm and hook them. It's a stunted, adolescent form of interaction for both sexes.

Rather than obsess about their game, men are better off spending their time and energy on improving their characters, education, and health. That is the natural and positive game, and the truly worthwhile women are attracted to it genuinely, without having to worry in their gut about whether they are being played.
- April 24th, 2008, 04:06 pm
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Tinderbox wrote :
The game is an illusion if you have nothing serious ultimately to offer beyond it. And it's easy to score if you have no standards and will sleep with anything, but so what? There are plenty of women open to a shallow approach because they are shallow themselves, and it's no accomplishment to charm and hook them. It's a stunted, adolescent form of interaction for both sexes.

Rather than obsess about their game, men are better off spending their time and energy on improving their characters, education, and health. That is the natural and positive game, and the truly worthwhile women are attracted to it genuinely, without having to worry in their gut about whether they are being played.
Well said.

For some people, "the game" is all that matters to them. It is a sad existence to dislike oneself so much that you have to constantly seek others with an exercise in self-validation. Those who are truly happy will most likely never succumb to the weak and needy advances of a "player." That said, so many folks here are offering great advice. For instance, Christen is on the money with her comments.

I would say, "thank you," and go about your business. Men or women who constantly try to impress may be too insecure to let their very being reflect their inner-most qualities, and you're better off without getting involved with someone like that. If he's on the up and up, you'll know soon enough as your paths continue to cross for the "right" reasons.
- April 24th, 2008, 05:12 pm
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Martini11 wrote :
themeindzeye wrote :

When he talks to you, is he really talking -to you- or is he just making surface comments and not bothering to try to get to know you as a person? When he looks at you, where is he looking? Does he seem genuinely interested or is he just blowing off what you have to say and distracting you with pretty words and colorful compliments? If he's just looking to get into your pants, he's not going to bother with you as a person, and he's going to try to steer things toward an intimate encounter really soon.

Don't give everyone the cold shoulder. Somebody might actually be interested you and complimenting you, but you're letting your fear hold them at arm's length. Really pay attention to how guys are interacting with you, and this will tell you quite a bit about what they're after.
Thanks for the advie. He reall is trying to get to know me as a person. He asks a lot about me; my job, education, friends family etc...I am trying hard not to give the cold shoulder. I guess I don't want to be nieve and fall for the wrong person
Hi..

i think your caution is warranted..we all know too many guys are more interested in what's between our legs rather than what's on our minds. However it seems to me when he is asking real question concerning who you are and making an honest effort to learnabout you, this to me shows valid interest. I am soooo excited for you. Remeber this: dating is a process its also a process of elmination. take your time and its my belief time will fill in the blanks.

Good luckLuv!!
- April 24th, 2008, 05:30 pm
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