We're in open communication, but match won't use regular email


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sc4me is offline sc4me Post #1  May 1,2009, 3:45pm
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I've been in open communication for 2 weeks with a match. Twice I've offered my personal email address to bypass the awkwared eH email system. The first time she ignored it. She is recently divorced so I asked her if she thought she was ready to date. She answered yes. In my next reply I put my email address at the top, right after "Hi ........"


Next reply she ignores the offer again. So now I've written and asked her why she isn't willing to go to regular email. I have not heard back on that one. Methinks she is NOT ready to date and is just dipping her toe in by using eH. I don't think she is playing a game, but just super cautious.


Or am I being naive?


At what point should I call it quits? Should I just stop answering her emails? (gaming which I don't like) or just be honest and say, "I'm ready to move on and you don't seem to be. You have my email address anytime you'd like to contact me. Please don't be offended but I am going to close our match."


Too blunt?
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #2  May 1,2009, 4:00pm
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No, you're not being naive. A lot of people are terrified about online dating. At some point after open communication, it has to move to the next level. For her, she seems more comfortable in the friendly confines of eHarmony. Going off-site probably makes her feel vulnerable.


Have you tried getting a phone number? If she also refused or refuses that, then you may be best moving on to another match.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #3  May 1,2009, 4:19pm
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You've given her your email, the only thing there is left to do at this point (aside from continuing in eH OC) to move things forward is to offer your phone number and/or ask for hers. Aside from that... it's up to her to make whichever move is most comfortable to her at this point, or not.


She'll do what *she* feels comfortable with and you should do the same, even if that means closing the match.
 
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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #4  May 1,2009, 4:23pm
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I've seen posts on this site from those who wish to stay in that safety zone and email for weeks, sometimes months on end. I just have to wonder why, when apparently they are looking for a relatiosnhip, they are unwilling to take the steps necessary to meet to even explore the possibilities.


Maybe you could say in your next message to her that you would really enjoy getting a message from her in your email inbox and would like to eventually have a phone conversation with a view to meeting. It shows you are interested. At that point, it would be hard for her to ignore your intent.


Only you can determine how long you are willing to put up with her apparent unwillingness to move forward as would be natural. I think sending that final email at that point might just be the thing she needs to make her realise that she either gets in the game or potentially misses out on a great guy.
 
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit is offline glassonlyhalffull_fillit Post #5  May 1,2009, 4:42pm
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Good posts everyone


OP why don't you suggest meeting, she will sort of be forced to give her number. OR ask to exchange numbers. This ignoring direct questions bother me, I'd lose patience and figure the match isn't good at communicating.
 
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BlueEyedVal is offline BlueEyedVal Post #6  May 1,2009, 5:42pm
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sc4me, wrote :

I've been in open communication for 2 weeks with a match. Twice I've offered my personal email address to bypass the awkwared eH email system. The first time she ignored it. She is recently divorced so I asked her if she thought she was ready to date. She answered yes. In my next reply I put my email address at the top, right after "Hi ........"


Next reply she ignores the offer again. So now I've written and asked her why she isn't willing to go to regular email. I have not heard back on that one. Methinks she is NOT ready to date and is just dipping her toe in by using eH. I don't think she is playing a game, but just super cautious.


Or am I being naive?


At what point should I call it quits? Should I just stop answering her emails? (gaming which I don't like) or just be honest and say, "I'm ready to move on and you don't seem to be. You have my email address anytime you'd like to contact me. Please don't be offended but I am going to close our match."


Too blunt?
I like it, but it is a little blunt. You could soften it just a little:


"I'm ready to move on, but I'm getting the feeling from you that you're hesitant. If there's a reason you dont want to email me directly, could you let me know? Otherwise, you have my email address and can contact me there, which I would really enjoy. If I dont hear from you by x-date, I'll go ahead and close our match - no hard feelings."


That way she has to respond by either telling you why she doesn't want to email personally, or by emailing you. Then, if she doesn't respond to THAT? I say close. It's unfortunate, but maybe you're right: maybe she's just not ready.
 
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followmesky is offline followmesky Post #7  May 1,2009, 6:19pm
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I think its blunt. She seems cautious and there is no harm with that. Women need to be more cautious then men.


I too am cautious. When on EH they would offer their email address but I NEVER communicated on email. I never thought it was safe. Instead, you can offer instant messenger. It's actually better then email. I like to be cautious especially with online , you just never know. So, try to understand her side and be patient. She is just being cautious, if she wasn't interested, I am sure she would have closed communication already. It's easier to close communication.
 
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ladydoctor is offline ladydoctor Post #8  May 1,2009, 7:50pm
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"Forced to give her email?"


What?!


Why are you rushing her? Not everyone is comfortable with meeting a total stranger after a few weeks of chatting online. Not everyone is comfortable giving out his/her personal email.
 
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zeekle is offline zeekle Post #9  May 1,2009, 9:03pm
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Really if someone is being dishonest online they can continue to do so online whatever the means (EH OC, IM, EMAIL , webcam) Theres nothing wrong with creating an email address to deal with dating if you want to keep your close friends and family email seperate from potentional crazy stalker types .


I don't understand the point in chatting away in email for long periods of time only to go meet the person and find out you just aren't going to get along.


The OP didn't mention though how many emails were passed. In a couple of weeks there could be 20 emails passed or 2 based on his and her response time. That would be more telling to me if he should hang on, move on, or keep looking but not close the match.
 
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sc4me is offline sc4me Post #10  May 1,2009, 9:06pm
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tbesq,601226 wrote :

No, you're not being naive. A lot of people are terrified about online dating. At some point after open communication, it has to move to the next level. For her, she seems more comfortable in the friendly confines of eHarmony. Going off-site probably makes her feel vulnerable.


Have you tried getting a phone number? If she also refused or refuses that, then you may be best moving on to another match.
tbesq, I have not asked for her phone number. If she won't write an email from her email address out of fear of giving it away I wouldn't ask for her phone number. That (phone number) would come later.


I've noticed one thing too. Her last 2 emails have been about her ongoing war with her ex. At first it didn't seem like a problem, but I went back and read her emails and while she is quite open and honest, there was one long one about a day in court.


I don't mind that per se, but it does tell me it might be too soon for her to date -- even though she thinks she is ready.


People don't realize that no matter what your divorce was like, it takes time to heal. Everyone needs a period of grief and the general advice is 2-3 years for men, 3-4 years for women.
 
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