We're in open communication, but match won't use regular email


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bwr is offline bwr Post #21  May 2,2009, 3:22am
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sc4me, wrote :

I've been in open communication for 2 weeks with a match. Twice I've offered my personal email address to bypass the awkwared eH email system. The first time she ignored it. She is recently divorced so I asked her if she thought she was ready to date. She answered yes. In my next reply I put my email address at the top, right after "Hi ........"


Next reply she ignores the offer again. So now I've written and asked her why she isn't willing to go to regular email. I have not heard back on that one. Methinks she is NOT ready to date and is just dipping her toe in by using eH. I don't think she is playing a game, but just super cautious.


Or am I being naive?


At what point should I call it quits? Should I just stop answering her emails? (gaming which I don't like) or just be honest and say, "I'm ready to move on and you don't seem to be. You have my email address anytime you'd like to contact me. Please don't be offended but I am going to close our match."


Too blunt?
Dude, be careful!! This sounds very similar to the trap I fell into recently with the all day date that went apparently well, and then she went flakey and weird.


Similar things happened in the OC as you. She took her sweet time emailing me, ignored my request to talk via the phone or regular email, etc.


I usually close women out like this, but I tried leaving this one open as an experiment, and was I burned!!


You gave me some good advice, and now I am giving you some.


Proceed very carefully. There seems to be a lot of these messed up, game playing women on eH lately.


A while back I closed out one match who gave me her phone number, but she only wanted to text. She got mad at me when I called her.
 
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bwr is offline bwr Post #22  May 2,2009, 3:34am
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The bottom line with online dating is this: the only way to really determine chemistry is to just cut to the chase and meet in person. After doing online dating for a while, it's important to take the impersonal factor out of it quickly and meet. The truth only comes out then.


To me, the type of woman I want to date knows what she wants and sincerely wants a relationship. She either wants to date me or not based on my picture and profile and maybe 1 intro email. If she is truely interested in me, she will keep it simple and make it easy to meet or at least talk on the phone


Taking forever to respond, wanting to just stick to email forever, difficult to persuade her to meet, playing little elusive games in the email, etc are all red flags that I could be a backburner rebound guy for her or she is a nutcase/flake or is still married or something.


I don't play games or be elusive at all if I am genuinely interested in someone, so I expect the woman to be the same if she is genuinely into me. If she really isn't into me, why should I waste my time with her - only bad things will happen the longer I stick with her.
 
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grammar_gal is offline grammar_gal Post #23  May 2,2009, 4:29am
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sc4me, wrote :


I've been in open communication for 2 weeks with a match. Twice I've offered my personal email address to bypass the awkwared eH email system. The first time she ignored it. She is recently divorced so I asked her if she thought she was ready to date. She answered yes. In my next reply I put my email address at the top, right after "Hi ........"


Next reply she ignores the offer again. So now I've written and asked her why she isn't willing to go to regular email. I have not heard back on that one. Methinks she is NOT ready to date and is just dipping her toe in by using eH. I don't think she is playing a game, but just super cautious.


Or am I being naive?


At what point should I call it quits? Should I just stop answering her emails? (gaming which I don't like) or just be honest and say, "I'm ready to move on and you don't seem to be. You have my email address anytime you'd like to contact me. Please don't be offended but I am going to close our match."


Too blunt?


As a woman, I of course respect a woman's prerogative to keep things within the eH email system. However, once someone makes a request of another person to take it "outside" - either via email or phone... the request should be acknowledged.


If a woman is such a poor communicator that she cannot write a simple, "Thank you so much for sharing your personal email address/phone number with me. However, I do not feel I am ready to begin communicating outside eH. I hope you understand."


Number 1: If you have shoved it beneath her very nose more than once... and she ignored it...move on. The woman is not shy and it is not as simple as her not being ready to date.... she is flawed.


Number 2: If you ever do receive an email such as the one above... your response to it is very telling in regard to your character.





Disclaimer: My answer is gender specific to the issue - because the question was asked by a male... and because I can only speak for my own actions and reactions as a woman.
 
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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #24  May 2,2009, 6:35am
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simplemind,601841 wrote :

sc4me,601773 wrote :


sc4me, wrote :


I've been in open communication for 2 weeks with a match. Twice I've offered my personal email address...


[edit]


At what point should I call it quits?


[edit]


Problem is a bit more than that now,and honestly I just realized this as I asked for the advice and read the responses.


[edit]


I don't get butterflies in my stomach when I open her emails. Quite honestly, there is someone else I know that does give me butterflies. I mean big butterflies. I haven't met either one of them so they stand on equal ground. One gives me butterflies and the other does not. (No, it's not indigestion LOL)


I need to feel butterflies.


I think I need to bow out and close the match. Even though the other person will probably never be a part of my life, it made me realize that is how I need to feel. Excited, young, exhilirated. and yes, butterfies; excitement at the thought I might have an email from her.


The woman on eH ... well, its like going through the motions just because we made it to open.


I sat in awe as I read this, sc. To realize the need,how it is not being met--and then to determine to take action. Cannot think of a more admirable set of traits in anyone, male or female.


Go for your butterflies.


It has to start somewhere, and where better than this?

+1
 
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bwr is offline bwr Post #25  May 2,2009, 6:40am
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If a woman is not meeting your core values during the OC stage, its only going to get worse in person.


A lot of people like to try and avoid things instead of just saying no. I have had matches not even acknowledge that I asked to talk on the phone. Their way of saying no was to change the subject and avoid it. That irritates me and women like this get the close button.


If matches are lacking basic communication skills, its only going to get worse in person. Just close her out. You are asking for trouble if you don't


I tried experimenting lately and putting up with more in the OC stages and being more tolerant. Well, it isnt working at all for me. I realized that I am sacrificing my core values up front. I am going back to my old way of closing out someone if they cannot communicate effectively and if they dont show basic consideration for my time and feelings.
 
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sc4me is offline sc4me Post #26  May 2,2009, 7:34am
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simplemind,601841 wrote :

sc4me,601773 wrote :


sc4me, wrote :


I've been in open communication for 2 weeks with a match. Twice I've offered my personal email address...


[edit]


At what point should I call it quits?


[edit]


Problem is a bit more than that now,and honestly I just realized this as I asked for the advice and read the responses.


[edit]


I don't get butterflies in my stomach when I open her emails. Quite honestly, there is someone else I know that does give me butterflies. I mean big butterflies. I haven't met either one of them so they stand on equal ground. One gives me butterflies and the other does not. (No, it's not indigestion LOL)


I need to feel butterflies.


I think I need to bow out and close the match. Even though the other person will probably never be a part of my life, it made me realize that is how I need to feel. Excited, young, exhilirated. and yes, butterfies; excitement at the thought I might have an email from her.


The woman on eH ... well, its like going through the motions just because we made it to open.


I sat in awe as I read this, sc. To realize the need,how it is not being met--and then to determine to take action. Cannot think of a more admirable set of traits in anyone, male or female.


Go for your butterflies.


It has to start somewhere, and where better than this?

Thank you for this. I am a "romantic" at heart. I have to be with someone who shares that.


Now how do I word this. I don't want to hurt anyone. Maybe I won't hurt her, but I want to word it in a way that does the least amount of harm, if it does any.


Here's what I am thinking.


Dear _________,


I've been thinking about our emails and re-reading them. At this point I have always felt that things should be progressing -- and there should be some spark which quickens the pulse; and that it would be a mutual thing. I can't speak for you because I know you have a lot going on, but I can speak for me. I am the kind of person who needs to "feel" something. For whatever reason, which is no one's fault, I don't.


So, I wish you all the best and hope and pray that you meet the man of your dreams.


Sincerely,


________________


How does that sound?
 
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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #27  May 2,2009, 7:46am
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A few months ago, I received a similar email from a guy who I had a coffee date with. I really appreciated him taking the time to wish me well rather than just poof. So, I think your message is perfect.
 
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sc4me is offline sc4me Post #28  May 2,2009, 9:21am
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Okay, its done. Now why do I feel like a heel ??
 
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit is offline glassonlyhalffull_fillit Post #29  May 2,2009, 9:28am
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sc4me,602259 wrote :

Okay, its done. Now why do I feel like a heel ??
Long as you have 'sole' with it, you're fine
 
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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #30  May 2,2009, 9:47am
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sc4me,602259 wrote :

Okay, its done. Now why do I feel like a heel ??
You shouldn't. You had reservationsand have dealt with this honestly and fairly. Maybe she will feel a little sad but that will pass soon. There'll be other matches who are more suitable for you both.
 
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