Are You Dating A Fixer-Upper?

Are You Dating A Fixer-Upper?

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Are You Dating A Fixer-Upper?


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eharmonyadvice is offline eharmonyadvice — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  April 28,2009, 10:02am

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There are limits as to how much you should "refurbish" a potential partner.
 
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argytunes is offline argytunes Post #2  April 28,2009, 10:02am
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This article was very good for those of us who would LOVE another relationship, but are nervous when it comes to bullying!


If a man or a woman has been on their own for a long time, it probably will be difficult for someone who is organized to alter that person's modus operandi (akasmooth out the rough edges)!


Having said this...I think the article was completely on target when it comes to accepting the way another person behaves, his or her habits, and most important...their definition of LOVE!


argytunes
 
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Scotch is offline Scotch Post #3  April 28,2009, 10:17am
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Agreed -- Taking the blinders off and seeing what the other person really is about is important. Most people are not going to change - especially fundamental character issues. I have been down the road of trying to fix/change - and it never works.
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #4  April 28,2009, 10:25am
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Trying to change someone you love is wrong, if successful they would then not be what you fell in love with.
 
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Jim_Bray is offline Jim_Bray Post #5  April 29,2009, 6:24am
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This article makes me laugh. I think when you have decided to date someone that has to be changed or fixed to be perfect then what you are really saying is two things.
1. You are not good enough for me and therefore I will "fix" you so that you will be complete.
2. I don't think that I am complete enough that I can attract someone who is perfect for me so I will "fix" this Junker into what I want.
The whole idea of fixing someone into a partner for you is absurd. Everyone wants to be accepted for who and what they are yet you are going to enter into a relationship with someone you can't accept?
Look, I don't mind breaking trust walls with women because of all the messed up guys they have dated in the past. I have to do this with every womanI date. Why? because of other guys who are unable to be authentic and live in their truth. I believe it is only a truth of my life that women are not exposed to men like me in their lives except maybe their father. So, I naturally assume that these walls must be absorbed by me.
Having said that, I know that I want a complete person and ,except for the trust thing, I don't want someone changing themselves to be with me. It is unfair for me to ask that of someone and unfair for someone to expect that from me.
I want someone who has the desire and the willingness to be completely honest in every respect in her personal life and in a relationship. I want her to be able to open completely. Not just when it is something easy for her to say to me. I don't want her to hold back her emotions because she thinks I am unable to handle them. I want her to know that I will not judge, condemn, criticize or complain about her expressing herself, ever. When I am in her presence, she will feel me and know that I am completely there with her in the moment.

She will draw strength from my desire to fulfill my purpose and my desire to understand her and accept her exactly where she is without any desire to fix anything about her. Well, except maybe something weird she may be wearing. A man has to draw the line somewhere. LOL

My desire is to experience the full force of the feminine and know that I am completely able to stand there with her in the moment without being swayed to get away from her or hide in the security of the thoughts in my head. Even when that force is directed at me, I want to be there in that moment with her in full appreciation of her feelings but stand strong in my integrity.

I am not saying that I am perfect at doing this at this moment. I am and have always been a work in progress. However, this is my goal as a man.
I guess that is enough of me ranting on this subject for a while. It's just this whole idea of fixing someone sits as wrong with me.
Jim Bray,
Fredericksburg, VA
 
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corky44 is offline corky44 Post #6  April 29,2009, 7:04am
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Truth is we're all fixer uppers to one degree or another. It's absurd to go into a relationship thinking you're going to fix someone else when you need fixing yourself. The healthiest relationships are among those who are aware of their own faults and are working on their own goals to improve with the support (not coersion) of their partner.
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #7  April 29,2009, 9:03am
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I think this article is missing a two key elements. Intent and expectation.


If the intent behind trying to change the partner is truly because they want to better their partner for the partners sake, than I think its okay. But if the intent to change is to fulfill some prerequisite to the "perfect guy"/"perfert woman", then you're in trouble.


Also, the expectation. If you have no expectation your partner will change and do not put conditions that "if he loves you, he will do xxxxx", then you're fine, but once you make conditions of your love, then its not love anymore.


We all want to better our partners. Its how we go about it and how much emphasis we put on it is what determines whether its good or bad.
 
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deegoesgreen is offline deegoesgreen Post #8  April 29,2009, 9:49am
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Jim_Bray,597937 wrote :
This article makes me laugh. I think when you have decided to date someone that has to be changed or fixed to be perfect then what you are really saying is two things.
1. You are not good enough for me and therefore I will "fix" you so that you will be complete.
2. I don't think that I am complete enough that I can attract someone who is perfect for me so I will "fix" this Junker into what I want.
The whole idea of fixing someone into a partner for you is absurd. Everyone wants to be accepted for who and what they are yet you are going to enter into a relationship with someone you can't accept?
Look, I don't mind breaking trust walls with women because of all the messed up guys they have dated in the past. I have to do this with every womanI date. Why? because of other guys who are unable to be authentic and live in their truth. I believe it is only a truth of my life that women are not exposed to men like me in their lives except maybe their father. So, I naturally assume that these walls must be absorbed by me.
Having said that, I know that I want a complete person and ,except for the trust thing, I don't want someone changing themselves to be with me. It is unfair for me to ask that of someone and unfair for someone to expect that from me.
I want someone who has the desire and the willingness to be completely honest in every respect in her personal life and in a relationship. I want her to be able to open completely. Not just when it is something easy for her to say to me. I don't want her to hold back her emotions because she thinks I am unable to handle them. I want her to know that I will not judge, condemn, criticize or complain about her expressing herself, ever. When I am in her presence, she will feel me and know that I am completely there with her in the moment.

She will draw strength from my desire to fulfill my purpose and my desire to understand her and accept her exactly where she is without any desire to fix anything about her. Well, except maybe something weird she may be wearing. A man has to draw the line somewhere. LOL

My desire is to experience the full force of the feminine and know that I am completely able to stand there with her in the moment without being swayed to get away from her or hide in the security of the thoughts in my head. Even when that force is directed at me, I want to be there in that moment with her in full appreciation of her feelings but stand strong in my integrity.

I am not saying that I am perfect at doing this at this moment. I am and have always been a work in progress. However, this is my goal as a man.
I guess that is enough of me ranting on this subject for a while. It's just this whole idea of fixing someone sits as wrong with me.
Jim Bray,
Fredericksburg, VA
+10000000000000000. Well said, Jim.
 
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Muskokagirl is offline Muskokagirl Post #9  April 29,2009, 9:50am
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Jim_Bray,597937 wrote :
This article makes me laugh. I think when you have decided to date someone that has to be changed or fixed to be perfect then what you are really saying is two things.
1. You are not good enough for me and therefore I will "fix" you so that you will be complete.
2. I don't think that I am complete enough that I can attract someone who is perfect for me so I will "fix" this Junker into what I want.
The whole idea of fixing someone into a partner for you is absurd. Everyone wants to be accepted for who and what they are yet you are going to enter into a relationship with someone you can't accept?
Look, I don't mind breaking trust walls with women because of all the messed up guys they have dated in the past. I have to do this with every womanI date. Why? because of other guys who are unable to be authentic and live in their truth. I believe it is only a truth of my life that women are not exposed to men like me in their lives except maybe their father. So, I naturally assume that these walls must be absorbed by me.
Having said that, I know that I want a complete person and ,except for the trust thing, I don't want someone changing themselves to be with me. It is unfair for me to ask that of someone and unfair for someone to expect that from me.
I want someone who has the desire and the willingness to be completely honest in every respect in her personal life and in a relationship. I want her to be able to open completely. Not just when it is something easy for her to say to me. I don't want her to hold back her emotions because she thinks I am unable to handle them. I want her to know that I will not judge, condemn, criticize or complain about her expressing herself, ever. When I am in her presence, she will feel me and know that I am completely there with her in the moment.

She will draw strength from my desire to fulfill my purpose and my desire to understand her and accept her exactly where she is without any desire to fix anything about her. Well, except maybe something weird she may be wearing. A man has to draw the line somewhere. LOL

My desire is to experience the full force of the feminine and know that I am completely able to stand there with her in the moment without being swayed to get away from her or hide in the security of the thoughts in my head. Even when that force is directed at me, I want to be there in that moment with her in full appreciation of her feelings but stand strong in my integrity.

I am not saying that I am perfect at doing this at this moment. I am and have always been a work in progress. However, this is my goal as a man.
I guess that is enough of me ranting on this subject for a while. It's just this whole idea of fixing someone sits as wrong with me.
Jim Bray,
Fredericksburg, VA
Now, if we could only "change" all men to feel this way, lol. Kidding of course, but I really have to admire your philosophy and veiwpoint Jim.
 
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catdude123 is offline catdude123 Post #10  May 14,2009, 10:06pm
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I don't feel that one can "fix" anyone.  They are who they are, like it or not.  The challenge in dating is to find someone that is naturally compatible with us, not to change someone.  The core of a person is a result of their life experiences, their mental "soundness" and their physical attributes (and other items of course).  Those characteristics can't be altered. If an attempt is made to "change" someone, it'll only be temporary.  We must like those we meet for what they are.  Frankly, people don't "change" that much if at all.
 
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