Old Fashioned, or Totally Cool?

One custom I never really knew about until very recently is that when wine is ordered, the man is supposed to refill the woman's wine glass as it nears empty. I usually don't drink wine with my food, so I had no idea. But one of my female friends recently told me she didn't accept a second date from him solely for this reason. She said it was primarily because he ordered the wine. I have only had one date in recent memory where we ordered wine, and my date did the refilling. Nothing was said about it.

Your female friend didn't accept a second date because the guy didn't fill her glass when it's near empty??? and that's because he ordered the wine?


Does she have a manual on how to breathe properly so that she wouldn't be offended?


I am always amazed by excuses that some people come up to NOT go on a second date...wow.


Scarlett/Simple mind...this is what I was talking about by being ridiculously high maintenance and go beyond scrutinizing a guy for being 'old fashion' or having manners.


Sorry Tbesq I know you were talking about your female friend, but something about it bugs me..sorry!

T...that is quite the interesting story about your friend..I am thinking there was more to her feelings (or lack thereof) for this man..since that seems quite the small detail to think of for a reason not to date..


But..that is her choice...as it is anyone's...so really doesn't bother me...


I just feel that all this we are discussingshould be a conversation that I have with my SO on what makes me feel loved and cared for, and what can I do that makes them feel loved...


When I am in a LTR/married...there isn't anything too big, or too small, if they say it makes them feel cherished..then I want to provide that for them


It's not about what the rest of the world does....it's our relationship...


That is why I talk about the book The Five Love Languages a lot...since sometimes we make the mistake of giving what WE like....instead of what the other person wants/needs...or what we THINK they might like....it's ALL about communicating this to my partner and not expecting them to 'guess'...


Now..I really look at a person's intentions....in the beginning of dating...(first few dates)...I am appreciative of even the smallest attempt at being a gentleman and showing care for me...as I try to do for them..since we haven't really talked about these things...and yes...I love the 'chivalrous' things like pulling out the chair, opening the car door..etc..and thank someone immediately when they are being kind..


But..I realize that not every man was brought up to learn or do these things and that is pefectly ok and wouldn't think badly of them...


IF however...we are now dating...and I have said that certain things make me feel good, and he were to say.."oh well...too bad...I just don't "do" that..."...that is obviously a whole other issue going on...

She and I were catching up, hadn't seen each other in almost three years. She was in a serious relationship for two years, which ended almost a year ago. She gave me a rundown of her dating woes since then, each time giving the reasons she stopped dating him. With this particular guy, that was the reason she gave. You're probably right, there may have been more to the story. But she spared no details in describing her dates...I get the feeling if there was more to it she would have told me.


As you stated in your last paragraph, I am amenable to any things that women like to do. But the important thing to remember is that chivalry is a choice, not an obligation. In other words, it's "great" to do the things that women expect, but there's no law that says we have to do them. That said, I would certainly have no problem pouring wine for my first date (although I'd at first feel like I was trying to "get her drunk,"), etc. There was a thread late last year about which side of his date a man should walk when on a sidewalk. Well, didn't know there was a rule about that either, but if it's important to her I'll certainly try my best to remember to do it. The thing with me is, it's easier for me to accept certain things if I understand why they're being done.

There really are an incredible number and variety of 'deal-breakers' that different people have.

See...your example is one of modern but nasty behavior.


I think manners, in general, should always rule. However, when I hear the phrase "old fashioned" all I think of are good manners and effort in one direction > from the man to the woman. I know, this sounds unfair, but that's what I think. Usually, its formed in a statement like this; "I have old fashioned values. I expect the man to chase me, hold open the door, stand up when I enter the room, ask me out, call me, take care of me, etc." But I never hear old fashioned behavior that goes the other direction (other than not having sex with him).