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waltercl waltercl is offline
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waltercl is Feeling good about life ............................

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Here's my concern:


If I do all these nice things during the dating phase, and then I slack a little bit during the marriage am I going to hear:


"Hey remember when you used to do XXX and YYY and ZZZZ? Why don't you do those things anymore? Do you still love me? Is the magic still there?"


So what if I don't do any of these things during dating, and then a few years after we're married I start doing all this little stuff. Now all of a sudden I'm getting massive credit for "finding my romantic side" and she's telling all her friends about it, and the next thing you know I'm the next best thing since sliced bread!


This plan is almost crazy enough to succeed. Don't you think?
- April 21st, 2009, 01:59 am
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simplemind simplemind is offline
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waltercl wrote :

Here's my concern:


If I do all these nice things during the dating phase, and then I slack a little bit during the marriage am I going to hear:


"Hey remember when you used to do XXX and YYY and ZZZZ? Why don't you do those things anymore? Do you still love me? Is the magic still there?"


So what if I don't do any of these things during dating, and then a few years after we're married I start doing all this little stuff. Now all of a sudden I'm getting massive credit for "finding my romantic side" and she's telling all her friends about it, and the next thing you know I'm the next best thing since sliced bread!


This plan is almost crazy enough to succeed. Don't you think?
Oh, Walter! I laughed so loud when I read this, I woke the cat up!


**wiping the tears from my eyes**


what a wonderful way to end the evening.


Thank you!


and sweet dreams.


- April 21st, 2009, 02:05 am
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Steve_Cam Steve_Cam is offline
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I just KISS,,if it feels right,,i do it,,if i have to sit back and analyze every freaking move I make,,plan it all out,,hold back and exert to much,,,then I feel I am going about it all wrong,,


when i am with a gal I like,,i find myself intuitively being chivalrous,,if they dont dig on that,,there are plenty of other women who will,,


i dont worry about a few years down the line,,ill just keep doing the right thing,,if it doesnt work out,,i highly doubt that some planning years before will prevent a break up or issues from forming,,


-Steve Cam
- April 21st, 2009, 02:44 am
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winn winn is offline
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boccabum wrote :

scarlet13 wrote :


i once had a man pick me up for a date and instead of coming to the door, he honked his horn. i'm kinda stubborn so i just stayed in the house, and then he called from his cell phone all upset "I'm outside waiting for you!"


i told him i knew he was outside, i was waiting for him to get the hint and come to the door like a gentleman.


i dunno. i'd like to see a return of manners in general.


See...your example is one of modern but nasty behavior.


I think manners, in general, should always rule. However, when I hear the phrase "old fashioned" all I think of are good manners and effort in one direction > from the man to the woman. I know, this sounds unfair, but that's what I think. Usually, its formed in a statement like this; "I have old fashioned values. I expect the man to chase me, hold open the door, stand up when I enter the room, ask me out, call me, take care of me, etc." But I never hear old fashioned behavior that goes the other direction (other than not having sex with him).
There is definitely "Old Fashioned" behavior that a woman should exhibit in return (besides not having sex). When a man opens a door for me, I always say thank you and smile. It's important to acknowledge the courtesy that he has just given you. The same goes with having a car door opened for you. When a man does any of these actions, I was taught to accept them with grace.


Besides a polite thank you, I was also taught to reciprocate in kind. I have opened doors for men but, when a man has opened a door for me, I will pass through it and politely wait for the man to follow instead of running ahead as if I'm the Queen of Sheba.


Whether it's asking a date in to your place for coffee after dinner or just having any guests over for coffee or drinks, as a hostess you serve your guest first before yourself.


I could go on and on. These aren't really "Old Fashioned" ideas as much as they are a matter of courtesy and civility, remembering that the person you are with is, at that point in time, moreimportantthan yourself.
- April 21st, 2009, 02:58 am
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tbesq tbesq is offline
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I don't think there's anything wrong with following traditional dating etiquette. I think the biggest problem is that everyone assumes that everyone else also follows those traditional customs, and when their date doesn't adhere to them they get cut off.


Many of the "traditional" dating rituals (i.e. man pays, man asks, man holds doors) I still believe to be widely practiced, so there is a general expectation that any person you date would adhere to them. Otherwise, it really should be something that is shared or discussed between two dating partners.


One custom I never really knew about until very recently is that when wine is ordered, the man is supposed to refill the woman's wine glass as it nears empty. I usually don't drink wine with my food, so I had no idea. But one of my female friends recently told me she didn't accept a second date from him solely for this reason. She said it was primarily because he ordered the wine. I have only had one date in recent memory where we ordered wine, and my date did the refilling. Nothing was said about it.
- April 21st, 2009, 10:35 am
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tbesq wrote :





One custom I never really knew about until very recently is that when wine is ordered, the man is supposed to refill the woman's wine glass as it nears empty. I usually don't drink wine with my food, so I had no idea. But one of my female friends recently told me she didn't accept a second date from him solely for this reason. She said it was primarily because he ordered the wine. I have only had one date in recent memory where we ordered wine, and my date did the refilling. Nothing was said about it.


Your female friend didn't accept a second date because the guy didn't fill her glass when it's near empty??? and that's because he ordered the wine?


Does she have a manual on how to breathe properly so that she wouldn't be offended?


I am always amazed by excuses that some people come up to NOT go on a second date...wow.


Scarlett/Simple mind...this is what I was talking about by being ridiculously high maintenance and go beyond scrutinizing a guy for being 'old fashion' or having manners.


Sorry Tbesq I know you were talking about your female friend, but something about it bugs me..sorry!


- April 21st, 2009, 10:43 am
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jayjay jayjay is offline
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tbesq wrote :

One custom I never really knew about until very recently is that when wine is ordered, the man is supposed to refill the woman's wine glass as it nears empty. I usually don't drink wine with my food, so I had no idea. But one of my female friends recently told me she didn't accept a second date from him solely for this reason. She said it was primarily because he ordered the wine. I have only had one date in recent memory where we ordered wine, and my date did the refilling. Nothing was said about it.
There really are an incredible number and variety of 'deal-breakers' that different people have.
- April 21st, 2009, 10:45 am
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Ingytravel Ingytravel is offline
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T...that is quite the interesting story about your friend..I am thinking there was more to her feelings (or lack thereof) for this man..since that seems quite the small detail to think of for a reason not to date..


But..that is her choice...as it is anyone's...so really doesn't bother me...


I just feel that all this we are discussingshould be a conversation that I have with my SO on what makes me feel loved and cared for, and what can I do that makes them feel loved...


When I am in a LTR/married...there isn't anything too big, or too small, if they say it makes them feel cherished..then I want to provide that for them


It's not about what the rest of the world does....it's our relationship...


That is why I talk about the book The Five Love Languages a lot...since sometimes we make the mistake of giving what WE like....instead of what the other person wants/needs...or what we THINK they might like....it's ALL about communicating this to my partner and not expecting them to 'guess'...


Now..I really look at a person's intentions....in the beginning of dating...(first few dates)...I am appreciative of even the smallest attempt at being a gentleman and showing care for me...as I try to do for them..since we haven't really talked about these things...and yes...I love the 'chivalrous' things like pulling out the chair, opening the car door..etc..and thank someone immediately when they are being kind..


But..I realize that not every man was brought up to learn or do these things and that is pefectly ok and wouldn't think badly of them...


IF however...we are now dating...and I have said that certain things make me feel good, and he were to say.."oh well...too bad...I just don't "do" that..."...that is obviously a whole other issue going on...


- April 21st, 2009, 10:55 am
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jayjay wrote :

tbesq wrote :


One custom I never really knew about until very recently is that when wine is ordered, the man is supposed to refill the woman's wine glass as it nears empty. I usually don't drink wine with my food, so I had no idea. But one of my female friends recently told me she didn't accept a second date from him solely for this reason. She said it was primarily because he ordered the wine. I have only had one date in recent memory where we ordered wine, and my date did the refilling. Nothing was said about it.


There really are an incredible number and variety of 'deal-breakers' that different people have.
and there are also b@ll breakers...
- April 21st, 2009, 11:01 am
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tbesq tbesq is offline
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Ingytravel wrote :

T...that is quite the interesting story about your friend..I am thinking there was more to her feelings (or lack thereof) for this man..since that seems quite the small detail to think of for a reason not to date..


But..that is her choice...as it is anyone's...so really doesn't bother me...


I just feel that all this we are discussingshould be a conversation that I have with my SO on what makes me feel loved and cared for, and what can I do that makes them feel loved...


When I am in a LTR/married...there isn't anything too big, or too small, if they say it makes them feel cherished..then I want to provide that for them


It's not about what the rest of the world does....it's our relationship...


That is why I talk about the book The Five Love Languages a lot...since sometimes we make the mistake of giving what WE like....instead of what the other person wants/needs...or what we THINK they might like....it's ALL about communicating this to my partner and not expecting them to 'guess'...


Now..I really look at a person's intentions....in the beginning of dating...(first few dates)...I am appreciative of even the smallest attempt at being a gentleman and showing care for me...as I try to do for them..since we haven't really talked about these things...and yes...I love the 'chivalrous' things like pulling out the chair, opening the car door..etc..and thank someone immediately when they are being kind..


But..I realize that not every man was brought up to learn or do these things and that is pefectly ok and wouldn't think badly of them...


IF however...we are now dating...and I have said that certain things make me feel good, and he were to say.."oh well...too bad...I just don't "do" that..."...that is obviously a whole other issue going on...

She and I were catching up, hadn't seen each other in almost three years. She was in a serious relationship for two years, which ended almost a year ago. She gave me a rundown of her dating woes since then, each time giving the reasons she stopped dating him. With this particular guy, that was the reason she gave. You're probably right, there may have been more to the story. But she spared no details in describing her dates...I get the feeling if there was more to it she would have told me.


As you stated in your last paragraph, I am amenable to any things that women like to do. But the important thing to remember is that chivalry is a choice, not an obligation. In other words, it's "great" to do the things that women expect, but there's no law that says we have to do them. That said, I would certainly have no problem pouring wine for my first date (although I'd at first feel like I was trying to "get her drunk,"), etc. There was a thread late last year about which side of his date a man should walk when on a sidewalk. Well, didn't know there was a rule about that either, but if it's important to her I'll certainly try my best to remember to do it. The thing with me is, it's easier for me to accept certain things if I understand why they're being done.
- April 21st, 2009, 11:08 am
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