Boundaries for the overprotective family?


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longsocks is offline longsocks Post #1  April 17,2009, 6:46pm
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Hi, everyone! I'm new on the board, but have done lots of reading so far and found lots of good advice on lots of different topics. I am in need of some specific advise on a situation that I now find myself so I'm hoping for some suggestions.


I'm new to online dating and this weekend will be the first date that I go on as a result of "meeting" someone online. We live a couple of hours apart and have emailed and talked on the phone for a few weeks now. Yay! I'm looking forward to finally meeting in person.


The problem: My family is insisting thatone of themactually meet him in person before I am "allowed" to go with him on this date. I realize that I'm an adult and they can't forbid me from doing anything, but it would cause a whole lot of problems that I can do without to flat out ignore their, er, request. They also want me to call in the middle of the date to let them know I'm okay, which I'm more okay with.


While I can somewhat understand their concern and realize they want to ensure my safety, it all seems a bit overboard to me. I've talked it over with this guy and we've had a laugh about it and luckily he's okay with it, but how should I deal with this in the future?


How would you feel if you had to meet one of your date's family members before you went out? Would you run screaming the other way?


Or maybe I'm way off base and this is something fairly normal?


How do I get my family to let go a bit? (okay this last one's probably more of a rhetorical moan-to-the-world kind of question :P)
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  April 17,2009, 6:54pm
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I’ve met women at her parents’ house, so I have some experience (adults here, still living with parents, evening students.) That wouldn’t bother me.


Hearing from a potential date “I have to” would concern me – that she is not defining her own role in life as an independent adult. That would be the paramount concern, to me.


Also, I would wonder how long the “nanny family” will be looking over your (our) shoulder? No thanks.
 
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit is offline glassonlyhalffull_fillit Post #3  April 17,2009, 6:56pm
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Well, most 1st dates are usually held in a public place, each find their own way there, so no addresses are exchanged. Was he planning on picking you up? Do you live with your parents?
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #4  April 17,2009, 6:57pm
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longsocks, wrote :


Hi, everyone! I'm new on the board, but have done lots of reading so far and found lots of good advice on lots of different topics. I am in need of some specific advise on a situation that I now find myself so I'm hoping for some suggestions.


I'm new to online dating and this weekend will be the first date that I go on as a result of "meeting" someone online. We live a couple of hours apart and have emailed and talked on the phone for a few weeks now. Yay! I'm looking forward to finally meeting in person.


The problem: My family is insisting thatone of themactually meet him in person before I am "allowed" to go with him on this date. I realize that I'm an adult and they can't forbid me from doing anything, but it would cause a whole lot of problems that I can do without to flat out ignore their, er, request. They also want me to call in the middle of the date to let them know I'm okay, which I'm more okay with.


While I can somewhat understand their concern and realize they want to ensure my safety, it all seems a bit overboard to me. I've talked it over with this guy and we've had a laugh about it and luckily he's okay with it, but how should I deal with this in the future?


How would you feel if you had to meet one of your date's family members before you went out? Would you run screaming the other way?


Or maybe I'm way off base and this is something fairly normal?


How do I get my family to let go a bit? (okay this last one's probably more of a rhetorical moan-to-the-world kind of question :P)


This is funny! Yes, I'd laugh too and I'd probably meet your family member and wouldn't run. However if I was in your shoes, I'd be annoyed. This is just me but I'd tell my family member to buzz off! In a nice way but I'd probably still use that phrase. I guess being a 41 year old man gives me a little bit more of flexibility to be crusty with my family members.


No this isn't normal unless you're a 16 year old girl. You aren't, right? If you're an adult, demand to be treated like one from your family members. Thank them for your concerns but tell them it's none of their business and if they don't like it-too bad. If it causes problems for you, so what? Allowing them to dictate who you date is a big enough problem.


That's what adults do.
 
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longsocks is offline longsocks Post #5  April 17,2009, 7:15pm
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D_Lion,583051 wrote :

I’ve met women at her parents’ house, so I have some experience (adults here, still living with parents, evening students.) That wouldn’t bother me.


Hearing from a potential date “I have to” would concern me – that she is not defining her own role in life as an independent adult. That would be the paramount concern, to me.


Also, I would wonder how long the “nanny family” will be looking over your (our) shoulder? No thanks.
I can understand the concern there. Being told "I have to" concerns me, as well. I'm avery independant person, but they're holding childcare over my head (I'm a single mom and because they will watch my daughter I get to do fun adult stuff like go on dates). I would also never force the issue with a date and tell him he "had to", it would always be put to them as a choice....."would you mind?"


I don't want to give the impression that my family will always be watching, either, because they won't. So how doI make clear to a date that they just want to be able to pick him out in a line up if something bad happens *insert giant eye roll here*, but that they won't always be so interfering?
 
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longsocks is offline longsocks Post #6  April 17,2009, 7:19pm
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit,583059 wrote :

Well, most 1st dates are usually held in a public place, each find their own way there, so no addresses are exchanged. Was he planning on picking you up? Do you live with your parents?
He is planning to pick me up....with the amount of time that we've talked I'm confident that we will get along well enough to be able stand each other's company until the end of the date, even if no sparks fly.


I don't live with my parents, but will be staying with my sister because I live a couple of hours away. So meeting a family member won't be as awkward as it could be....I don't need to drag one of them along to meet him and then send them home.
 
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musmusculus is offline musmusculus Post #7  April 17,2009, 7:42pm
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I'm sure there are guidelines somewhere on this site that address personal safety when meeting a match for the first time. Basic common sense says meet during the day in a public place, bring a phone, and let somebody know where you'll be and when you'll be back. Call that person to tell him/her that you are back safely - it's also fun to talk about how the date went, etc.


I'm guessing that you are at least 30 - you mention that you graduated from college in 1998. You are an adult now, responsible for your own life and sefety.


I'm trying to give your family the benefit of the doubt. They may have heard about horrible things that befell women out on dates - like the Imette St. Guillen case. Maybe you're the youngest, or the only girl in your family. If you still live with your family, they may still feel responsible for your safety or believe that they still have authority over you.


You need to make them understand that you are an adult who has analyzed the situation and taken the proper precautionary steps. It wouldn't hurt to tell them where/when you're going and call them when the date is over. After this first meeting, I suspect that they will back off a bit and be more relaxed about future meetings.
 
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit is offline glassonlyhalffull_fillit Post #8  April 17,2009, 8:11pm
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longsocks,583110 wrote :

glassonlyhalffull_fillit,583059 wrote :


Well, most 1st dates are usually held in a public place, each find their own way there, so no addresses are exchanged. Was he planning on picking you up? Do you live with your parents?


He is planning to pick me up....with the amount of time that we've talked I'm confident that we will get along well enough to be able stand each other's company until the end of the date, even if no sparks fly.


I don't live with my parents, but will be staying with my sister because I live a couple of hours away. So meeting a family member won't be as awkward as it could be....I don't need to drag one of them along to meet him and then send them home.
Your family is concerned about your safety, and you are going witha complete stranger in hiscar?
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #9  April 17,2009, 8:48pm
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My first 'online' date? My 2 sisters, my mother, and my best friend called during the date. When one of my sisters called for the 3rd time, I told her in no uncertain terms not to call again. My date was very understanding and we laughed about it. But after that I told all of them that I would make sure someone knew who I was meeting, where, etc and that I would check in with them by a certain time, but NO MORE CALLS DURING DATES!!! It worked out just fine.


On another note: Even if you have talked to this guy a lot and feel like you willhave no problems getting along, it's a good idea to meet him somewhere and be in your own vehicle. On the telephone and internet, people can represent themselves any way they choose. That doesn't mean that they are really like that. On first dates, I always take my own car to meet the guy. I have gotten into his car one time on the first date, but I actually knew someone who had kind of checked him out for me already with a friend. Above all, keep yourself safe.


Hang in there. The family thing will get better. It did for me.
 
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NathanCM is offline NathanCM Post #10  April 17,2009, 9:29pm
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No way in heck I'd agree to meet you under such circumstances.


JMO. YMMV.
 
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