Confused on how to proceed


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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #11  April 15,2009, 12:51pm
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MQRegan,579462 wrote :

boccabum,579454 wrote :


MQRegan, wrote :


So I met this girl online. Went out twice and we talk almost daily. Its been a few weeks since I seen her, due to her schedule, not mine; but we still talk almost daily. I brought up this morning that I wondered why she was still logging in to her dating account (its on a site where it shows the time they last logged in). She told me it wasn't a big deal and I should not concern myself about it. She only logs in late at night to check messages and such. However, today she logged in during the day and she was matched up with a friend of mine and she did ask him if he wanted to talk on the phone. He of course out of respect to me declined once he showed me this girls pic/profile and asked my thoughts. None the less, she basically brushed it off. Said it was none of my business and it should not concern me. But then she logs into her account during the day today. She also told him in an e-mail that she was not in a relationship with anyone yet. Yet, last week, she was telling me (over the phone) that she was at her hairdressers getting highlights or whatever and was telling the hairdresser that she is seeing something (I assume that is me, though it has been a few weeks) and that I am very understanding about her scheduling difficulties. I know she is not out on Friday's and Saturday's cause she calls me from home to talk. I am usually out with friends though.


I understand the difference from seeing a person and a real realtionship, but if someone you are "seeing" asks you questions you about logging in and you continue to do it, what does that say? On one part, I want to just say listen I met someone else and I am going to take my chances with her. Just to move on. On the other hand, I do still like her. Completely perplexed here.


Any ideas?


Dude seriously. With all due respect. Unless you're seeing her on a regualar basis and have had an explicit discussion on the monogomy of your "relationship", she is correct. It is none of your business and you have no right questioning who she speaks with, dates, flirts with, the number of times she logs on, or any other aspect of her life.


Rethink how you have reacted and realize you've done the fast track lesson on how to get a girl to dump you. Ladies, same goes for you if you pull this stuff.


"Any ideas?". yes. Apologize to her, learn your lesson here, and find another girl(s) to go on dates with.


Dump me? She called me this morning to confirm plans on Friday. Whether I go or not is another story.
That's good! She likes you. But remember that most people don't simply cut off ties with others, stop going on dates, and become exclusive until both people agree they're in a relationship and state they want exclusive dating. If you've only had 2 dates with this girl and not even have seen her in two weeks (regardless of the reason), then you might be sending off major red flags to her eventually. That she keeps communicating with you and wants to see you is a good thing. But you need to slow and check your claim on this girl's dating life. She's really done nothing wrong in looking for and going on dates with other people (you should be doing the same thing!). But for you to question her on this and check the times she's logged on can come off as very controlling. Just warning 'ya.
 
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4getmenot is offline 4getmenot Post #12  April 15,2009, 1:00pm

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It doesn't sound to me like you two are officially "dating". You are nowhere close to being "exclusive".....am I right? Sounds to me like you are getting to know each other at this point. True you have met a couple times and talk on the phone all the time but she is not your girlfriend just yet. At this point she is keeping her options open and doing what everyone else does when they are trying to find someone. Let her be, you are going to scare her away. If she does this once you 2 start dating officially and become exclusive then YES it is a big problem but right now you are acting a bit paranoid. You are checking up on her already! Honestly, YOU would scare me off. Yes, I'm sure she likes you but that doesn't mean much other than she likes who you are and what you are BUT not for long if you keep acting this way. It's a RED flag for a girl, at least it is for me. I wouldn't want to be with someone who is showing this kind of behavior already so early on


Just my $0.02
 
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MQRegan is offline MQRegan Post #13  April 15,2009, 1:05pm
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To be honest. She checked my profile out of the blue and then I checked hers. If she did not check mine, then I would not had checked hers. When I mean we talk on the phone, in the last two weeks, we must had talked for 20 hours. She calls me when she's driving, at work, etc. Was a little aggressive asking a question about that. Maybe to some. But when someone calls you that often you, or I, tend to think something is happening. Again, if she did not look at me, I probably would not had looked at her profile. As to seeing other girls at the same time, too confusing. I can barely juggle one, as you all can see.
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #14  April 15,2009, 1:23pm
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First, don't ask a girl about her dating activities when you just barely started seeing her. It will make her uncomfortable with you. Plus it makes you seem insecure.


Second, stop checking up on her so much and keeping track of her. It's not healthy for you. Find other things to occupy your time.


I suggest paying more attention to a person's actions and less to their words, especially when they conflict. Her actions indicate she is interested in you, but doesn't like you poking around her business. They also suggest she's dating other guys. She has every right to date other guys. Just like you have every right to date other girls right now. So ease off, don't track her dating stuff, just go out with her and enjoy her company.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #15  April 15,2009, 1:31pm
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MQRegan,579500 wrote :

To be honest. She checked my profile out of the blue and then I checked hers. If she did not check mine, then I would not had checked hers. When I mean we talk on the phone, in the last two weeks, we must had talked for 20 hours. She calls me when she's driving, at work, etc. Was a little aggressive asking a question about that. Maybe to some. But when someone calls you that often you, or I, tend to think something is happening. Again, if she did not look at me, I probably would not had looked at her profile. As to seeing other girls at the same time, too confusing. I can barely juggle one, as you all can see.
Sorry to keep butting in...and my apologies for sounding a little harsh above. But to some extent, you're right. If 2 people are talking all the time, the assumption that there is something more in a relationship can easily happen. But now you have your proof that she didn't make that same assumption. While you think that the frequency and length of communication indicates intimacy and some kind of a relationship-she doesn't. But in fact, your talks with her were/are a replacement (or a place-holder) of real, in person intimacy. Take things 1 step at a time: Meet (done), talk (done), going out on dates (in progress), intimacy (to be completed), talk of being exclusive (to be completed), questioning her on who she sees (not yet applicable).
 
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DeepDiver is offline DeepDiver Post #16  April 15,2009, 4:59pm
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I say back off and don't check up on her on-line activities.She's right it isn't any of your business at this point in time. If someone checked up on me like that after just a couple of dates, I'd be worried that it could easily esculate into fullblown stalking & that will scare almost anyone away. Just back off for a while.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #17  April 15,2009, 5:34pm

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boccabum,579528 wrote :

MQRegan,579500 wrote :


To be honest. She checked my profile out of the blue and then I checked hers. If she did not check mine, then I would not had checked hers. When I mean we talk on the phone, in the last two weeks, we must had talked for 20 hours. She calls me when she's driving, at work, etc. Was a little aggressive asking a question about that. Maybe to some. But when someone calls you that often you, or I, tend to think something is happening. Again, if she did not look at me, I probably would not had looked at her profile. As to seeing other girls at the same time, too confusing. I can barely juggle one, as you all can see.


Sorry to keep butting in...and my apologies for sounding a little harsh above. But to some extent, you're right. If 2 people are talking all the time, the assumption that there is something more in a relationship can easily happen. But now you have your proof that she didn't make that same assumption. While you think that the frequency and length of communication indicates intimacy and some kind of a relationship-she doesn't. But in fact, your talks with her were/are a replacement (or a place-holder) of real, in person intimacy. Take things 1 step at a time: Meet (done), talk (done), going out on dates (in progress), intimacy (to be completed), talk of being exclusive (to be completed), questioning her on who she sees (not yet applicable).
And stating it in such clear and precise steps .... priceless!!


I am with boccabum and the rest. But I would also say, I would be leery of someone that I barely know calling me every day - that I would find really strange. Just my .02.
 
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ladydoctor is offline ladydoctor Post #18  April 15,2009, 8:07pm
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To the OP, please let us know how this turns out. Good luck!
 
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