That 1st Date: Coffee or Candlelight?


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funxxfinder is offline funxxfinder Post #1  April 13,2009, 3:48am
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Being new to EHarmony I feelwe can all learn alot by hearing directly from EH users.


Whattypes of dateswomen prefer on a 1st date? Most comfortable with?


How about suggestions for 1st dates? Ladies?


My buddy just went on an EHarmony 1stdate and when he suggested they each pay 1/2.... their was a frosty, frosty reception to that idea! lol


What about going dutch?


Any do's or don'ts when out on a date???


Let's brainstorm on all aspects of that 1st date!
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  April 13,2009, 4:03am
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Groan....if you want to know about paying on first date....please take a look at some old 50+ page threads....it's a never ending raging debate and very much beating a long dead and rotted horse.


As for candlelight or coffee - there are no rules. It all depends on the individual and the connection that you have with a given person. For instance, if I get a match and we both love outdoors, we may do something fun and active and stay away from coffee/dinner thing. Sometimes, you connect enough that you are actually willing to invest the time into going out to dinner. Most of the time it's coffee. The guy does not get brownie points if he does more than coffee.
 
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awol71 is offline awol71 Post #3  April 13,2009, 5:08am
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First off, there areno set rules to follow. Different people, at different points in their lives,have different ways of going about it. If you're a hopeless romantic looking for a hopeless romantic, candlelight is probably better than coffee. If you're a pragmatist looking for a pragmatist, coffee is probably better than candlelight.


I'm more of a pragmatist, nearing 40, looking for a long term relationship.I get romantic with women Iam attacted to. And I am not "attracted" (in that way) to words on a page, evenwhen accompanied by revealing picture(s). It takes me a while to come to the point where I can represent the relationship to myself as a long term one. (In other words, the point where I can seriously picture us as beneficial, in that way, to one another for the foreseable future.) Until that happens, it's all fun and games but nothing more.


I'm also looking for a pragmatist, so I'm absolutely not interested in women whowould be"impressed" (in that way) by my paying for an expensive candlelight dinner on our first meeting. I expecta womanto be realistic, which means amongst other things that she is not already dreaming of how perfect a man I will be before she has even met me. It's also very important to me that the womanisn't pursuingthe relationship just because of some odd feeling (chemistry?), but that it is a conscious decision on her part with her well-being as much as mine in her mind. What can I say, I like an independent woman. (;


So I go for coffee and/or something simple like a walk in the park, for that first "date" (I hesitate to call it a date, actually). Key words are "conversational" and "fun" (not "expensive").To me, it's about being respectful. I will want to pay for everything if I did the asking, and I don't want her to feel that it's unreasonable or that she owes me anything. I also like this because I'm looking for a woman who's more interested in people and feelings (i.e., enjoying) than in money (i.e., spending). Someone with whom I can have fun even when we're washing the dishes.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  April 13,2009, 5:36am
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Yes, the question of who pays on the first date has been covered many, many times before and very recently.


To the question in the title. I don't drink coffee so I am not a fan of just meeting for coffee. I also rarely drink alcohol and have been pressed into that type of first meeting which was just as expensive as having gone for dinner. Also it has been my experience that bars are very noisy places. I prefer a dinner date at a restaurant that is quiet enough to talk. While a candle is a nice touch if the place is TOO romantic it may be too much for a first date. You want something that is nice but not over the top.


Just my $.02 and given my success I have to add my standard disclaimer, I don't know anything about anything.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #5  April 13,2009, 5:56am
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Yep..the pay or not to pay...that really needs to be what YOU want to do...not anyone else...plain and simple...and please don't spend more than you are comfortable with if you decide to treat...(see other posts on resentment caused by this


And as far as choices for first dates...finding out what the woman enjoys doing..like Dancing said...if someone mentions the love the outdoors..then that would be great...or if someone is talking about the latest art exhibit downtown..then like that comedian says.."There's your sign"...HAHAHA...sorry..couldn't resist that one


For 99% of women...it's NOT about the money being spent! You can believe or not...LOL...and it was discussed in many a thread about this...but for me..it's the thought put into it..(finding out the movie schedule....making sure to tell her about parking..or where it's located if meeting you)....not the dollar amount...and doing something we BOTH will enjoy because I am wanting my date to have just as much fun


For instance...my 'first date" with a man this week is giving me a 'insider's' tour of the Pentagon....because he knows that I am a "love to learn about everything' kind of gal!! and he is about to retire from the Navy..so this is a great chance for him to 'show me around' as well...


For someone else..they might go, "what?" and think it's weird...HAHAHA...but he has really listened and learned about me and vice/versa over our emails and phone calls thus far..


If you are someone who enjoys opening doors, pulling her chair out..then by all means...please do...just be yourself! If this is not who you are...then don't do it....Both women/men will know or find out soon...if someone is putting on an 'act'....


Hopefully you can relax, have fun..don't forget to smile...laugh
 
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longsocks is offline longsocks Post #6  April 13,2009, 9:57am
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Choosing something to suit both of your interests is probably a safe bet....coffee or candlelit dinners might not be fun for either of you.


Personally, I'm prettyopendoing a lot of differentthingson a first datebecause anythingcan be fun with the right person....or the wrong person could makemy ideal date a nightmare. I'm going on a first date this weekend and everythingfrom church to a strip club were thrown out there (we ultimately decided those were more like 3rd or 4th date events ).


I don't think there's any right answer to what kind of first date is best.... you want to choose something that will allow you to get to know each other better so you can see if you want to do it again or not.


I think Ingy's advice about being yourself and relaxing are important regardless of what you do.


(And I'm going to studiously ignore the questions on who pays. )
 
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funxxfinder is offline funxxfinder Post #7  April 13,2009, 1:56pm
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DancingFool,575849 wrote :

Groan....if you want to know about paying on first date....please take a look at some old 50+ page threads....it's a never ending raging debate and very much beating a long dead and rotted horse.


As for candlelight or coffee - there are no rules. It all depends on the individual and the connection that you have with a given person. For instance, if I get a match and we both love outdoors, we may do something fun and active and stay away from coffee/dinner thing. Sometimes, you connect enough that you are actually willing to invest the time into going out to dinner. Most of the time it's coffee. The guy does not get brownie points if he does more than coffee.
The 2nd half of your response is helpful........very much so!


the GROAN at the beginning is not.... necessary due to the fact that there are always newEH users coming aboard everyday.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  April 13,2009, 2:16pm
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Almost all of my first dates have been dinner. I tend to have three hours or so of leisurely conversation on a date, and that, for me, is the point of the date.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  April 13,2009, 2:22pm
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I definitely go for coffee on a first meeting (not sure if that's really a 'date' or not). These 'coffee' meetings can unobtrusivelybe endedin as short as1/2 hour.....or can be extended upto several hours, including dinner if both people want and are able to. A number of the women I've met from the internet....I wouldn't want to spend more than 1/2 hour with them. Going straight for dinner could make for some looooong dates.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #10  April 13,2009, 2:44pm
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I have to admit that you’re right. However, I have two reasons for my strategy:


I care to maximize the success probability with the most desirable (to me) partners[/b]. Since a major element of desirability to me is her intellect, knowledge, and ability to reason and debate, I will have my dates where I can assess these traits through conversation. Coffee and a movie allows only the determination of her appearance. Sure, dinner costs more, but I get a lot more data (and I enjoyed the dinner.) Since it is easy enough to dump a boring person, I think the correct strategy is to do everything I can NOT to get dumped by the desirable person.


It simply offends my personal sense of sensibility to spend more time getting ready and driving to the date than is spent on the date.
 
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