Advice from Men please


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pumkin159 is offline pumkin159 Post #1  April 12,2009, 6:13am
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I'm a widow 44 years old, one child, have been dating for the past year. I joined eHar about 6 months ago, deleted all matches except one. He lives 1600 km's away. We went through the guided communications, and then it became fast and furious, we couldn't talk, text or email enough. The things we had in common were uncanny - I was planning to go meet him and two days prior - I receive an email, him telling me not to come. Said not to contact him at all. I was furious and went a little nuts trying to find out why - after all I had the ticket and arrangements made for my daughter - and couldn't figure it out. What I don't understand is how can certain men play with women's emotions, pull them in and then spit them out. Yes it was fast, I sent him gifts - he was appreciative - but in the final email - he said it was beyond the realm of reality that I could do that - however, he knew what I was like, generous to a fault and very happy he said he met someone like me - he also said in his last email - he couldn't be with someone who needed to talk everyday . During the course of the fast and furious emails, we had many in-depth discussions, he would flip-flop on certain things. I don't want him back or to try again, cause I could never trust after that, but do you think he had cold feet, and will try and come back even after he said he deleted my numbers and emails? I'm just trying to figure him out. Any help would be appreciated.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  April 12,2009, 11:13am
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I would encourage you to have no further communication with this man, no matter what he attempts. Really, this kind of volatility is for me a deal-breaker no matter what.


It may be the case that he is dealing with some emotional turmoil in his life, which could at some point settle down and he turns unto what you are looking for, but I would not be the guinea pig in that experiment.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #3  April 12,2009, 11:34am
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pumkin159, wrote :

I'm a widow 44 years old, one child, have been dating for the past year. I joined eHar about 6 months ago, deleted all matches except one. He lives 1600 km's away. We went through the guided communications, and then it became fast and furious, we couldn't talk, text or email enough. The things we had in common were uncanny - I was planning to go meet him and two days prior - I receive an email, him telling me not to come. Said not to contact him at all. I was furious and went a little nuts trying to find out why - after all I had the ticket and arrangements made for my daughter - and couldn't figure it out. What I don't understand is how can certain men play with women's emotions, pull them in and then spit them out. Yes it was fast, I sent him gifts - he was appreciative - but in the final email - he said it was beyond the realm of reality that I could do that - however, he knew what I was like, generous to a fault and very happy he said he met someone like me - he also said in his last email - he couldn't be with someone who needed to talk everyday . During the course of the fast and furious emails, we had many in-depth discussions, he would flip-flop on certain things. I don't want him back or to try again, cause I could never trust after that, but do you think he had cold feet, and will try and come back even after he said he deleted my numbers and emails? I'm just trying to figure him out. Any help would be appreciated.
I think that's the key. You fell in the most common of all traps of online dating: becomming emotionally attached to someone you've never even met. And to magnify this, that lives 1600 km away. Perhaps he started dating someone in his area while talking to you and the reality of your meeting was too much. I think you're lucky that he cut you off to him before you went through the expense and pain of meeting him.


There are numerous threads here that talk about the false buildup of online communication and then when meeting in person, the reality. There really is no need to figure him out. But it sounds like you need closure with this guy. To understand what went wrong. Ask him for that and tell him that if he gives you this explanation, that you'll be able to move on after that. Then do. Move on. There are plenty of single men in your area that would probably love to get to know you. Why don't you give one of these guys a chance? But actually meet them after the first week or so of communicating.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #4  April 12,2009, 11:34am
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pumkin,


Sorry to hear about your story! That REALLY sucks! You just have to trust that not all guys are jerks!
 
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Ndfrspd is offline Ndfrspd Post #5  April 12,2009, 11:42am
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Hang in there, dating in this day and age has become an adventure. Stay as positive as you can and do notlet one bad incident take the fun out of your life. There are a lot more people out there will treat you right.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #6  April 12,2009, 11:46am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Well...you've learned something now...that people like this are out there and that things like this can happen. If you read this forum very much you'll see many people's experiences of how many people are 'flaky', 'poof' (disappear) and how most people consider you really don't know another person through only email/text/phone call conversations (no matter how much you may 'feel' you do)....you have to spend time with them in person.
 
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DennisWisconsin is offline DennisWisconsin Post #7  April 12,2009, 11:46am
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I agree with with boccabum. Keep things light until you meet because when you do meet it is practically like starting all over.


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waltercl is online now waltercl Post #8  April 12,2009, 11:59am
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It could also be that he was being nice and didn't want to say anything negative during this phase, but deep down some things were bothering him. Once it got close to actually meeting these things might have surfaced more, and he consciously realized that he didn't feel comfortable.


Now you can say that this should have come up sooner, and no doubt that would have been best, but it's probably better that it came up when it did as opposed to later. Just wait until you read through the many women who had an actual meeting, thought it went great, and then got the message that they didn't want to see them again. I'd imagine that would be even tougher to take.
 
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pumkin159 is offline pumkin159 Post #9  April 12,2009, 3:43pm
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boccabum,575047 wrote :

pumkin159, wrote :


I'm a widow 44 years old, one child, have been dating for the past year. I joined eHar about 6 months ago, deleted all matches except one. He lives 1600 km's away. We went through the guided communications, and then it became fast and furious, we couldn't talk, text or email enough. The things we had in common were uncanny - I was planning to go meet him and two days prior - I receive an email, him telling me not to come. Said not to contact him at all. I was furious and went a little nuts trying to find out why - after all I had the ticket and arrangements made for my daughter - and couldn't figure it out. What I don't understand is how can certain men play with women's emotions, pull them in and then spit them out. Yes it was fast, I sent him gifts - he was appreciative - but in the final email - he said it was beyond the realm of reality that I could do that - however, he knew what I was like, generous to a fault and very happy he said he met someone like me - he also said in his last email - he couldn't be with someone who needed to talk everyday . During the course of the fast and furious emails, we had many in-depth discussions, he would flip-flop on certain things. I don't want him back or to try again, cause I could never trust after that, but do you think he had cold feet, and will try and come back even after he said he deleted my numbers and emails? I'm just trying to figure him out. Any help would be appreciated.


I think that's the key. You fell in the most common of all traps of online dating: becomming emotionally attached to someone you've never even met. And to magnify this, that lives 1600 km away. Perhaps he started dating someone in his area while talking to you and the reality of your meeting was too much. I think you're lucky that he cut you off to him before you went through the expense and pain of meeting him.


There are numerous threads here that talk about the false buildup of online communication and then when meeting in person, the reality. There really is no need to figure him out. But it sounds like you need closure with this guy. To understand what went wrong. Ask him for that and tell him that if he gives you this explanation, that you'll be able to move on after that. Then do. Move on. There are plenty of single men in your area that would probably love to get to know you. Why don't you give one of these guys a chance? But actually meet them after the first week or so of communicating.
Hey thanks - I am quite good at closure - It just boggles my mind - I am so upfront and I guess I don't want to be jaded... Dating does suck - I was lucky with my husband we had an amazing 16 years together - oh well on to bigger and better... cheers.
 
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pumkin159 is offline pumkin159 Post #10  April 12,2009, 3:44pm
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waltercl,575086 wrote :

It could also be that he was being nice and didn't want to say anything negative during this phase, but deep down some things were bothering him. Once it got close to actually meeting these things might have surfaced more, and he consciously realized that he didn't feel comfortable.


Now you can say that this should have come up sooner, and no doubt that would have been best, but it's probably better that it came up when it did as opposed to later. Just wait until you read through the many women who had an actual meeting, thought it went great, and then got the message that they didn't want to see them again. I'd imagine that would be even tougher to take.
Thanks - it's not that I'm not grateful I didn't waste my time going up, quite happy I didn't- just can't believe the guy didn't have the guts to pick up the phone...
 
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