To change or not to change.. THAT is the question. :)


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FruitaBu is offline FruitaBu Post #1  April 2,2009, 5:50am
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is happy.

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I've been here about a year now which means I have done lots of reading. Many of the topics revolve around frustrations with standards the opposite sex has in finding partners and feeling like they don't measure up to them.





Examples:


* Frustration with men because they seem to be typically attracted to slender women.


* Frustration with women because they seem to favor men who are financially secure.


(I use those examples because they are the top 2 that reappear over and over)





Some things we can change. (physical appearance, attitudes, employment, location, etc)


Some things we cannot change (the fact we have children, being divorced previously, our age, our past, etc.)





So here are my questions... (bear with me.. this seems to be getting long)





1) If someone told you that changing a few things about yourself would probably guarantee you would attract the kind of person you were looking for, WOULD YOU CHANGE IT?


- Would you lose 30 lbs?


- Would you work on earning a better living?


- Would you change the way you dress?


- Would you get plastic surgery if it corrected something you felt was holding you back?


- Would you move to a different city where your dating opportunities would be more plentiful?


- Would you become more social and join groups to meet more people?


- Would you stop being a slob or change other habits that people in your life have complained about?





2) Do you feel people should ACCEPT YOU the way you are or do you feel you should modify yourself to become more attractive (not just physically) to the opposite sex?





3) If you do not feel you should have to change, then do you feel you have a right to complain when things aren't working out like you hoped they would while dating?





Just curious..
 
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writergurl is offline writergurl Post #2  April 2,2009, 6:04am
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Don't change, FruitaBu!


Personally, I try to be attractive to the opposite sex, and would change superficial things within reason for that purpose. But we can't change who we really are! Superficial things don't make a relationship work, but I think attraction is initially superficial, so if you're not attractive you are losing out on a lot of potential partners. But I don't know how this would work for things that are "not just physical." We can't really change our personalities.
 
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FruitaBu is offline FruitaBu Post #3  April 2,2009, 6:13am
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writergurl,560122 wrote :

Superficial things don't make a relationship work, but I think attraction is initially superficial, so if you're not attractive you are losing out on a lot of potential partners. But I don't know how this would work for things that are "not just physical." We can't really change our personalities.
That's the thing.. I think we are capable of much more change than we acknowledge. This thread isn't about me, but I have of course contemplated things that may hold me back etc. and whether I should work on them.





This thread is more about getting results. If you know that doing ______ will bring you ______ result you are looking for and it is within your power to do it, then would you? If not, why?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  April 2,2009, 6:19am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Nice questions. Some of the things you mentioned I wouldbe willing to change to help me find a partner....but someare intrinsically important to me and my values and I would not change for the purpose of finding someone. For example, maintaining a healthy lifestyle and weight are important to me for myself....so I do this regardless of whether women find this more attractive. Similarly, the way I dress reflects thecare, attentionand style that are congruent with who I am as a person. I wouldn't start dressing in an outlandish or new trendy style just to attract women....because the type of woman this would attract wouldn't be the type I'd want to be with anyway. What I do for a living is very important to me so I wouldn't change that.


Things you list that I would be willing to change would be moving to a new city (though my work places some restrictions on this) and joining social groups and clubs. I'd be willing to do these things because they don't conflict with the aspects of myself and my values that are of fundamental importance to me.
 
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit is offline glassonlyhalffull_fillit Post #5  April 2,2009, 6:24am
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Yes I would change/have changed/worked on. People who repeat behaviour, complain/blame over and over, I'd be apt to suggest they lookto the common denominator
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #6  April 2,2009, 6:30am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Also....I generally don't fault any members of the opposite sex who don't want a man such as myself. I don't really see the difficulty in finding a partner to be a matter of either of us having standards that are too 'high'....but just that it's difficult to find someone with the particular qualities that I'm looking for. The qualities I value and look for in a woman are also ones I value and aspire to have in myself,somy hope is that a woman who has these qualities will also recognize and value them in me as well.
 
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Cyclist_Steve is offline Cyclist_Steve Post #7  April 2,2009, 6:36am
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considered it - and decided not to

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for me, the motivation to change is often driven by some level of unhappiness (pain). i don't place my happiness on whether or not i have a partner, or who/what that partner is. my happiness comes from within, and not due to a person, job, money, etc. that said - i will gladly work to change any number of things to make my life better, but not with the sole intent on finding a partner.


some folks need a partner in their life to feel complete. i can certainly identify with this, as it's something that has been 'in the way' of me developing into the person i would like to be, has caused some pain in my life... so i'm changing that!


i'll lose weight (and have) to make myself a better, happier person.


i'll move if i'm not satisfied with where i'm living


i'll change jobs if i'm not able to make ends meet, or am not enjoying what i do


i'll join social groups to interact with more people


none of these things i will do to satisfy some unquenchable desire to be in a relationship. i'm pretty darn comfortable in my own skin, and believe THAT is what will play the bigger part in matching up with someone. if my motivation to lose weight, etc is placed on the shoulders of another person, i have unfairly burdened them with this as well as having placed a 'condition' on these changes. make sense, or gibberish?
 
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit is offline glassonlyhalffull_fillit Post #8  April 2,2009, 6:38am
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jayjay,560144 wrote :

Also....I generally don't fault any members of the opposite sex who don't want a man such as myself. I don't really see the difficulty in finding a partner to be a matter of either of us having standards that are too 'high'....but just that it's difficult to find someone with the particular qualities that I'm looking for. The qualities I value and look for in a woman are also ones I value and aspire to have in myself,somy hope is that a woman who has these qualities will also recognize and value them in me as well.
Exactly! I want the same in a partner. :-)
 
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marthak is offline marthak Post #9  April 2,2009, 6:40am
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I am willing to change the things that impair my dating on three conditions:


1) That making the change won't cause undue difficulties in other equally important areas of my life, like career as jayjay mentioned, or moving too far from aging parents, or uprooting teenagers, etc.


2) It is something I am not happy with myself and so I want to change it for me regardless.


3) That I am changing it for me and not because some relationship partner, current or potential, has placed it in front of me as a threshold to acceptance.
 
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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #10  April 2,2009, 6:44am
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Great post, FruitaBu.


To address your last point,ifsomeone knows that a particular thing/s is/are undermining their efforts in dating yet they are unwilling to take the steps to change, then they shouldn't really complain. I think some people expect the world to change for them which is totally unrealistic.


I can't change who I am but I can recognise my shortcomings and work on them. As for the other things that cannot be changed I think it is about being at peace withthat and being honest about who we are and how we look - knowing that we are not everyone's "cup of tea".Any changes I make would be for me though not with the idea of finding a partner.
 
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