sandhillcrane is offline sandhillcrane Post #1  March 30,2009, 9:57pm
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I am in my upper 40s and have been divorced for a few years but haven't had much interest in dating, prefering instead to hang out with friends. Would go out occasionally if I met someone interesting but none of them made it past two dates with me. Until I met J. WOW I never met anyone who so closely matched my values and I felt an instant attraction (at last!!!). He was in the midst of a divorce (red flag), has full custody of a 6 yr-old daughter, and a very demanding job. We lived an hour apart, which was hard. We took things slowly (both of us chicken, both of us busy), seeing each other every other weekend when my kids were with their father. He wasn't a very good communicator (2nd red flag) and rarely called on the phone - mostly just e-mailed to make plans. (I was told by a mutual friend he was lousy at making calls but he was nonetheless one of the most big-hearted people he had ever known, so I let this one go.) He genuinelly seemed to enjoy spending time with me, was respectful, positive body language, etc. Would go out of his way to drive to my home, wrote e-mails afterward telling me he had had a great time. We spent a lot of time with his daughter who was crazy about me and often begged her Dad to see me. So things seemed to be progressing nicely. And then suddenly it just stopped!!! No phone calls, not even an e-mail! After a month he finally wrote and said he was overwhelmed by the divorce, his job, his parental responsibilities, etc. Said he had made a mistake in thinking he could have a personal life and ended his e-mail with a vague "Sorry." I usually move on quickly after a break-up but am having trouble getting him off my mind. I really felt we had something special. His friends all thought I was really good for him. YIKES! I'm getting so long winded! But I am so baffled! My instincts have never been soooo wrong about a man! He seemed like such a sweetie & I did not expect this at all, nor did his friends of 20 years. What do I make of this? I never had this problem when I was in my 20's!! (Though I am a trim, youthfyl 49 year-old). I have no idea what happened. Can someone help me make sense of this? How can I find closure?
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #2  March 30,2009, 10:12pm
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Toodles, sayonara, and happy trails! Wishing everyone luck and love...

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Timing, timing, timing...




He did not realize how he would be affected by the divorce and other stresses in his life and neither did you. But, there is a reason why so many people caution against getting involved with someone who is in the midst of a divorce or who is newly divorced. It simply takes time to get back on one's emotional feet. And, that's what he has to focus on now.




This isn't about you; it's about him and what he needs to do before he feels emotionally healthy enough to be in a romantic relationship.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #3  March 30,2009, 10:27pm
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Dear SandHillCrane,


Welcome to eHamony Adive (eHA) and thanks for writing. See you're from the SandHills area in NC! Beautiful country there!


So sorry for your pain. That happens to all of us when we violate good principles such as dating someone who is not completely legally divorced and who has not had the important time needed to recover from their divorce.


Additionally, his child experienced yet another loss by meeting you and becoming attached to you which is why I advise people not to meet the person's children until they're really serious just so this doesn't happen.


Children do not bounce back so fast and this little girl is already suffering from her parent's divorce and now this, too. As usual, it's the innocent kids who suffer so much.


What happened was he was not divorced and had not yet done the hard recovery work and you chose to become involved with him in spite of all of this knowing these rebound hook-ups very rarely, if ever, work out. Not only that, you did not protect his daughter and decline to meet her saying that it would not be a good idea at this point as it was way too soon and you didn't want her to be further hurt.


Neither you nor this man made good decisions in this and so you and this little girl are ending up hurt. He may or may not be hurt though I suspect he is.


You're learned something very valuable from this that I hope you take to heart so you do not make the same mistakes again. Don't ever want something so much that you ignore important principles and also red flags. Do not date someone who has not fully recovered from their divorce. Such recovery takes at least a year if not much, much longer.


The way to your own closure is to forgive yourself for getting involved in a situation you know you should not have been involved in. Forgiveness releases you from the pain. Also, forgive him for hurting you. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. It is a process, not a one-time event. You forgive everytime you start to feel upset about this situation.


There's a great book by RT Kendall, Total Forgiveness, that will help you should you need help with this.


Here's how relationships should develop:


"What advice do you have for singles who want to build healthy dating relationships?






Question






In your book Love Must Be Tough , you suggested some ways unmarried people can build healthy relationships and not smother each other. Would you share those again? Would you apply the "tough love" principle to those of us who are not married? How does the issue of respect relate to our romantic relationships, and how can we build and preserve it?







Answer


The principles of loving toughness are the same for those who are single as for those who have been married for decades. There are circumstances, however, that are specific to the courtship period. Let me cite 17 suggestions that will help you avoid the common pitfalls among those who are trying to win the heart of another.


1. Don't let a relationship move too fast in its infancy. The phrase "too hot not to cool down" has validity. Romantic affairs that begin in a frenzy frequently burn themselves out. Take it one step at a time.


2. Don't discuss your personal inadequacies and flaws in great detail when the relationship is new. No matter how warm and accepting your friend may be, any great revelation of low self-esteem or embarrassing weaknesses can be fatal when interpersonal "valleys" occur. And they will occur.


3. Remember that respect precedes love. Build it stone upon stone.


4. Don't call too often on the phone or give the other person an opportunity to get tired of you.


5. Don't be too quick to reveal your desire to get married — or that you think you've just found Mr. Wonderful or Miss Marvelous. If your partner has not arrived at the same conclusion, you'll throw him or her into panic.


6. Most important: Relationships are constantly being tested by cautious lovers who like to nibble at the bait before swallowing the hook. This testing procedure takes many forms, but it usually involves pulling backward from the other person to see what will happen. Perhaps a foolish fight is initiated. Maybe two weeks will pass without a phone call. Or sometimes flirtation occurs with a rival. In each instance, the question being asked is "How important am I to you, and what would you do if you lost me?" An even more basic issue lies below that one. It wants to know "How free am I to leave if I want to?" It is incredibly important in these instances to appear poised, secure, and equally independent. Do not grasp the other person and beg for mercy. Some people remain single throughout life because they cannot resist the temptation to grovel when the test occurs.


7. Extending the same concept, keep in mind that virtually every dating relationship that continues for a year or more and seems to be moving toward marriage will be given the ultimate test. A breakup will occur, motivated by only one of the lovers. The rejected individual should know that their future together depends on the skill with which he or she handles that crisis. If the hurting individual can remain calm, the next two steps may be reconciliation and marriage. It often happens that way. If not, then no amount of pleading will change anything.


8. Do not depend entirely upon one another for the satisfaction of every emotional need. Maintain interests and activities outside that romantic relationship, even after marriage.


9. Guard against selfishness in your love affair. Neither the man nor the woman should do all the giving. I once broke up with a girl because she let me take her to nice places, bring her flowers, buy her lunch, etc. I wanted to do these things but expected her to reciprocate in some way. She didn't.


10. Beware of blindness to obvious warning signs that tell you that your potential husband or wife is basically disloyal, hateful, spiritually uncommitted, hooked on drugs or alcohol, given to selfishness, etc. Believe me, a bad marriage is far worse than the most lonely instance of singleness.


11. Beginning early in the dating relationship, treat the other person with respect and expect the same in return. A man should open doors for a woman on a formal evening; a woman should speak respectfully of her escort when in public, etc. If you don't preserve this respectful attitude when the foundations of marriage are being laid, it will be virtually impossible to construct them later.


12. Do not equate human worth with flawless beauty or handsomeness! If you require physical perfection in your mate, he or she may make the same demands of you. Neither of you will keep it for long. Don't let love escape you because of the false values of your culture.


13. If genuine love has escaped you thus far, don't begin believing "no one would ever want me." That is a deadly trap that can destroy you emotionally! Millions of people are looking for someone to love. The problem is finding one another!


14. Regardless of how brilliant the love affair has been, take time to "check your assumptions" with your partner before committing yourself to marriage. It is surprising how often men and women plunge toward matrimony without ever becoming aware of major differences in expectation between them.


15. Sexual familiarity can be deadly to a relationship. In addition to the many moral, spiritual, and physical reasons for remaining virgins until marriage, there are numerous psychological and interpersonal advantages as well. Though it's an old-fashioned notion, perhaps, it is still true that men do not respect "easy" women and often become bored with those who have held nothing in reserve. Likewise, women often disrespect men who have only one thing on their minds. Both sexes need to remember how to use a very ancient word. It's pronounced "no!"


16. Country singer Tom T. Hall wrote a song in which he revealed an understanding of the concept we have been describing. His lyric read, "If you hold love too loosely then it flies away; if you hold love too tightly, it'll die. It's one of the mysteries of life."144 Hall's observation is accurate. If the commitment between a man and a woman is given insufficient importance in their lives, it will wither like a plant without water. The whole world knows that much. But fewer lovers seem to realize that extreme dependency can be just as deadly to a love affair. It has been said that the person who needs the other least will normally be in control of the relationship. I believe that to be true.


17. There is nothing about marriage that eliminates the basic need for freedom and respect in romantic interactions. Keep the mystery and the dignity in your relationship. If the other partner begins to feel trapped and withdraws for a time, grant him or her some space and pull back yourself. Do not build a cage around that person. Instead, release your grip with confidence while never appeasing immorality or destructive behavior.


These are the basics of the "love must be tough" concept. I could list another hundred suggestions, but you get the idea."


"144 Tom T. Hall, "I Left Some Kisses on the Door, " copyright 1979, Hallnote Music"


Source: http://family.custhelp.com/cgi-bin/family.cfg/php/enduser/std_adp.php?p_faqid=1011


____


JavaJava5
 
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simpletonHeart70 is offline simpletonHeart70 Post #4  March 30,2009, 11:17pm
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What happened? It sounds like he pretty much explained what happened, he was overloaded.





Nothing wrong with you, he's just not ready. It's a good idea to avoid relationships with people going through divorces or who just got divorced.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #5  March 31,2009, 12:21am

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sandhillcrane, wrote :

I am in my upper 40s and have been divorced for a few years but haven't had much interest in dating, prefering instead to hang out with friends. Would go out occasionally if I met someone interesting but none of them made it past two dates with me. Until I met J. WOW I never met anyone who so closely matched my values and I felt an instant attraction (at last!!!). He was in the midst of a divorce (red flag), has full custody of a 6 yr-old daughter, and a very demanding job. We lived an hour apart, which was hard. We took things slowly (both of us chicken, both of us busy), seeing each other every other weekend when my kids were with their father. He wasn't a very good communicator (2nd red flag) and rarely called on the phone - mostly just e-mailed to make plans. (I was told by a mutual friend he was lousy at making calls but he was nonetheless one of the most big-hearted people he had ever known, so I let this one go.) He genuinelly seemed to enjoy spending time with me, was respectful, positive body language, etc. Would go out of his way to drive to my home, wrote e-mails afterward telling me he had had a great time. We spent a lot of time with his daughter who was crazy about me and often begged her Dad to see me. So things seemed to be progressing nicely. And then suddenly it just stopped!!! No phone calls, not even an e-mail! After a month he finally wrote and said he was overwhelmed by the divorce, his job, his parental responsibilities, etc. Said he had made a mistake in thinking he could have a personal life and ended his e-mail with a vague "Sorry." I usually move on quickly after a break-up but am having trouble getting him off my mind. I really felt we had something special. His friends all thought I was really good for him. YIKES! I'm getting so long winded! But I am so baffled! My instincts have never been soooo wrong about a man! He seemed like such a sweetie & I did not expect this at all, nor did his friends of 20 years. What do I make of this? I never had this problem when I was in my 20's!! (Though I am a trim, youthfyl 49 year-old). I have no idea what happened. Can someone help me make sense of this? How can I find closure?
Dear Sandy,


I did not read about a great friendship that was developing between the two of you? Why do you have a need to discuss your relationship with his friends or yours? You can bet anything that you had to say was reported back to him and something you said scared him off or why does he need a 2nd wife when he is in the process of getting rid of the first one. I also suspect the children were a problem as well, his daughter may have made some comments about you to his family or her mother and he was given the third degree about you? Children do not belong in a dating relationship, it was not a good friendship it was a time filler, there were to many things going on that prevented the friendship from developing. You choose to ignore the reality of poor communications which is one of the most importand things in building a relationship. He has to grow up and don't waste your time on boys that like to play verses a man that see's you for who you are and wants more. Chalk it up to lessons learned and move on. Besides body language what did you actually get out of the relationship? It was all in your head like playing out a fantasy.


Harvey7
 
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DennisWisconsin is offline DennisWisconsin Post #6  March 31,2009, 2:40am
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SHC, This can happen when you ignor red flags and you ignored the biggest one. The Divorce. At least you know that it is possible to find someone else and that there are people out there that you can be interested in.


Take these new revelations and move on. The idea that there is only one person out there for us is a myth.


.


.
For interesting and thought provoking conversation on eHA:
http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=view_forum&FID=870
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #7  March 31,2009, 8:22am
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It is sad to have someone you care about do a disappearing act all of a sudden especially when you have invested time and emotions into them. You just learned not to ignore your instincts or as you call them the red flags. You did absolutely nothing wrong to drive off your guy. He was just not ready. Depending on how amicable his divorce was he may not be ready even in a year or more. What is truly sad is the daughter comes out as a loser in this relationship too and it is her father's fault.


The only thing you can donow is get rid of any pictures with him in them, delete his phone number and email adress and set up blocker on him, then you should be able to move oneven if it is slow. Good Luck
 
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