cheyenne99 is offline cheyenne99 Post #1  March 30,2009, 7:08am
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I joined eharmony and met someone I THOUGHT was great. It was the first time I really liked anyone in over 2 years. He turned out to be a jerk who just wanted to play games. I apparently sadi something that he misunderstood and he just stopped talking to me. How do you keep going failure after failure after failure? I'm an only child with no children. My mother is all the family I have. I don't want to end up alone and it looks like that's where I'm headed..
 
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David_Lewis is offline David_Lewis Post #2  March 30,2009, 9:57am
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It could be something simple. Maybeyour dating skillsneed an upgrade, for example.
 
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vicman1970 is offline vicman1970 Post #3  March 30,2009, 10:25am
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Don't give up! There's someone out there who wants the same thing you do it's just a matter of time! This last guy is't him so you know that so it opends the door for the "one" to come!
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #4  March 30,2009, 11:24am
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1. Do you think you answered the profile questions absolutely honestly? One thing that I am very happy with EH about is the fact that the matches I have met (for the most part) I have thought pretty compatible. Getting matched with the right guys is the first step.


2. Review your match setting. See if you can compromise on something. The more matches that you get the more chance you'll get one this is actually interested in you.


3. Are you giving ALL your matches a chance? (Pretty much all of us are guilty of "I haven't met anyone - Well what about her? - I closed her because xxxxx")


4. For matches that you get to Open Communications with are you driving toward a real life meeting? I have seen a lot of people make the mistake of not focusing on "establish a meeting"! Everything before that is NOTHING.
 
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beloved0000 is offline beloved0000 Post #5  March 30,2009, 6:10pm
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I gave up
 
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awol71 is offline awol71 Post #6  March 30,2009, 6:57pm
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How do you keep going failure after failure after failure?


You can give up if youmanage to convince yourself thatthe world is full of jerks. I'm not so bad myself and I know a quite a few people who are anything but jerks, so I'll keep on truckin' for now. How about you?
 
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Jacquesne is offline Jacquesne Post #7  March 30,2009, 7:33pm
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This is just a guess based on a common issue and my interpretation of the very limited information you provided, so if I'm wrong, ignore me (my usual disclaimer).


Are you trying too hard? Let me explain what I mean by that. I know you're upset about this situation right now so perhaps it's not always how you are but if you are taking your dates too seriously you may be running into a roadblock.


The stereotype is "men are afraid of commitment." As with most stereotypes there is a bit of truth hidden in there. It's not so much fear of commitment as fear of responsibility. Again, let me explain, as the terminology here has a lot of connotations that I'm not trying to get into.


When a girl comes on too strong it's a turnoff for guys. When women come on too strong it's usually not sexual, it's relational. It's like when a guy tries to feel you up too fast. Eventually you'll be OK with it (presumably). But early on it's creepy, uncomfortable, and makes you nervous.


He feels the same way when a girl starts indicating too much commitment to him. There's a balance here; flaunting the fact you're dating about 10 other guys at the same time is a big turnoff as well as he's not special, he's just another interviewee. But stay somewhat independent.


By that I don't mean "do your own thing and don't care about him." Again, balance. But going for a girl's night out or shopping with friends (or whatever you happen to enjoy for fun) every once and a while takes some of the pressure off him.


What do I mean by pressure? Girlfriends are great. Heck, they're wonderful. They are also, however, a lot of work. Yikes! He did not just say what I think he said!


Calm down. Keeping a woman happy is hard work (all the guys nod with me and all the girls get offended, whatever). There's a lot of time, effort, and money involved. I'm not saying it's not worth it. It's worth every bit and then some. The expenditure is still there, though.


Guys are fixers. We're problem solvers. It's part of our identities and it's pretty deeply ingrained. It's one of the reasons I'm addicted to these boards; it's a place for me to try and fix problems. We enjoy fixing your car, working on your computer, and otherwise helping you out. It fulfills a primitive need to help people that the majority of people possess at some level. Women have it too, don't get me wrong, but for men it's a different sort of fixing. A simple way (but not 100% accurate) way of thinking about it is that men fix things and women fix people. Take that how you will.


That effort is a responsibility. See, told you that earlier term would be explained! It's a responsibility we take seriously. We want you to be happy, and happy with us. It doesn't hurt when you help us out a little bit, however, by working to make yourself happy a little bit without us!


I sincerely doubt this guy found one thing you said and stopped calling because of it. More likely there was a gradual decline in your relationship and you, well, didn't notice it or ignored it. It happens to both men and women (in fact men are usually the culprits). Things were "going great" and then it just vanished. This is usually the result of one person having a glamorized view of the other person.


By "glamorized" I mean putting someone on a pedestal. To you he's the greatest guy ever. To him, though, he's just...him. He's a normal guy like anyone else. If a girl starts acting like you're the greatest guy ever he's going to wonder what guy you're looking at. He's going to start to wonder if you have an objective opinion or are just creating a built-up image that he's certain he can't live up to.


Nobody wants to be viewed like this (unless they're a narcissist, of course). He knows he can't live up to it and bows out. He'll smile and nod like everything's OK and spend less and less time with you until *poof* you never hear from him again. Sound familiar?


Men do like to be in charge. They like to make decisions and be looked to for advice. They don't, however, like to run other people's lives. It's enough work to run their own! In any relationship there must be a push and pull. If you agree with everything he says and never make any choices it's going to start falling apart. He'll never know if you have your own opinions and his interest will wane. We like strong women. We want to see the girl in our lives as an equal. Women often make the mistake that the one making the "big choices" is the "dominant" one. This isn't really true. People should compliment each other in a relationship. They both should make their own choices and be their own people...together. It's a delicate balance.


And that's what life is all about. Balance. Extremes are rarely, if ever, good. Even things like money or God, which are considered good things to have, are negative if put in the extremes (evil dictators and witch burners come to mind).


I'm not saying that you were being extreme; you didn't say much on your situation so I put in a lot of info hoping that some aspect would resonate with you and fit to your situation. I based it mostly on the sense that your last sentence seemed a bit desperate; desperation will come through to a guy and scare him off. He wants your love for who he really is, not because you're afraid to be alone and he's convenient. That's a harsh way of putting it but it's the truth . That's likely not what's going on in your head. But that's what he's scared of.


I'd suggest taking dating lightly. Have fun . Maybe I say that because I'm young but if you aren't enjoying yourself, frankly, what's the point? Fun is contagious. Enjoy yourself when you're around a guy and he'll enjoy being with you. That bond is stronger than any "romance" depressing Romeo and Juliet crap (everyone seems to forget that they die ). "Romantic comedies" work so well because romance should be fun .


If you aren't laughing, you aren't loving. That's not a quote, I just made it up, but I think it's true.


It's not as simple as seeing the glass as half empty or half full. If the stupid glass is half empty fill the darn thing up and nobody can see it as anything but what it is.


It just requires a bit more effort =).


Jacquesne
 
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yeoww is offline yeoww Post #8  March 30,2009, 8:03pm
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Don't give up! If you do, you're letting the jerks of the world win, and that's just not worth it. There are lots of people out here, both men and women, who aren't jerks and are simply looking to find a partner, just like you.


I like what others have said - look at your profile and review your own approach to dating. If you're willing, posting your profile here can get you some really good feedback. And I don't know if the guy you're talking about is someone you met in person or just online - but it doesn't hurt to ask "real life" friends you can trust if they have any suggestions. It's not always easy to hear, but it can help.


I wish you the best of luck, and don't let the &*!! of the world get you down!
 
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wordwoman is offline wordwoman Post #9  March 30,2009, 8:29pm
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DDjr,555476 wrote :

1. Do you think you answered the profile questions absolutely honestly? One thing that I am very happy with EH about is the fact that the matches I have met (for the most part) I have thought pretty compatible. Getting matched with the right guys is the first step.


2. Review your match setting. See if you can compromise on something. The more matches that you get the more chance you'll get one this is actually interested in you.


3. Are you giving ALL your matches a chance? (Pretty much all of us are guilty of "I haven't met anyone - Well what about her? - I closed her because xxxxx")


4. For matches that you get to Open Communications with are you driving toward a real life meeting? I have seen a lot of people make the mistake of not focusing on "establish a meeting"! Everything before that is NOTHING.
All of these are good suggestions, and I would add:


If it has been more than 2 years since you took the personality profile, maybe you should contact eH about taking it again. You've probably changed your thoughts on some things since you took it the last time, and this is another way to generate different kind of matches that might be more compatible with where you are right now.


Another thought: What did you learn about yourself from being with this guy? You don't have tocommit a totally psychoanalysis of yourself, but take some time and be reflective about the relationship. For example, theremight have been somethingabouthim that you thought you wanted in a man that in the end wasn't that valuble to you, and so on.This way when you start communicating with new matches you can look at them with a different insight.


Finally, I wouldn't let any number of jerks stand in the way of what I want formy life; I just won't give anyone that kind of power. If you want a family and a boyfriend/husband to go with it, you need to stay the course and get about the business ofmaking it happen. Because I tell you, thisis one of thoseareas of life whereyouare in total charge. No one can get a man for you but you.
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #10  March 30,2009, 8:34pm
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cheyenne99, wrote :


How do you keep going failure after failure after failure? I'm an only child with no children. My mother is all the family I have. I don't want to end up alone and it looks like that's where I'm headed..


I'm sorry your relationship turned out differently than you thought.


Failure is only failure if you don't take the lessons from it to avoid repeating it again. Each of your relationships gives you a better view of what a good match for you would be. Look at those things and try to find someone that fits that.


I understand how you feel on family as I have limited family of mostly my parents myself and a few relatives that I never see.So I realize it won't be very many years and it will be just me.This is why friends become the family you choose. A relationship adds to this also but cannot replace the full value of having friends also.


Don't focus on what you don't have now but keep your eyes open on the horizon of what may happen. Hope is endearing and makes you positive. If you're projecting you are going to be alone...you will scare a good guy off with the negativity of him thinking that YOU don't think you deserve a relationship.


Dating is like laundry...it can seem endless but so are the possibilities. Most people wouldn't give up on doing the laundry. Focus on enjoying each date and where you are now. Only hiding or giving up would be real failure...think mountain of dirty laundry and nothing clean to wear. Each day is a fresh start...pursue what is in your path and beyond.
 
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