I gave up

I gave up

I gave up

This is just a guess based on a common issue and my interpretation of the very limited information you provided, so if I'm wrong, ignore me (my usual disclaimer).


Are you trying too hard? Let me explain what I mean by that. I know you're upset about this situation right now so perhaps it's not always how you are but if you are taking your dates too seriously you may be running into a roadblock.


The stereotype is "men are afraid of commitment." As with most stereotypes there is a bit of truth hidden in there. It's not so much fear of commitment as fear of responsibility. Again, let me explain, as the terminology here has a lot of connotations that I'm not trying to get into.


When a girl comes on too strong it's a turnoff for guys. When women come on too strong it's usually not sexual, it's relational. It's like when a guy tries to feel you up too fast. Eventually you'll be OK with it (presumably). But early on it's creepy, uncomfortable, and makes you nervous.


He feels the same way when a girl starts indicating too much commitment to him. There's a balance here; flaunting the fact you're dating about 10 other guys at the same time is a big turnoff as well as he's not special, he's just another interviewee. But stay somewhat independent.


By that I don't mean "do your own thing and don't care about him." Again, balance. But going for a girl's night out or shopping with friends (or whatever you happen to enjoy for fun) every once and a while takes some of the pressure off him.


What do I mean by pressure? Girlfriends are great. Heck, they're wonderful. They are also, however, a lot of work. Yikes! He did not just say what I think he said!


Calm down. Keeping a woman happy is hard work (all the guys nod with me and all the girls get offended, whatever). There's a lot of time, effort, and money involved. I'm not saying it's not worth it. It's worth every bit and then some. The expenditure is still there, though.


Guys are fixers. We're problem solvers. It's part of our identities and it's pretty deeply ingrained. It's one of the reasons I'm addicted to these boards; it's a place for me to try and fix problems. We enjoy fixing your car, working on your computer, and otherwise helping you out. It fulfills a primitive need to help people that the majority of people possess at some level. Women have it too, don't get me wrong, but for men it's a different sort of fixing. A simple way (but not 100% accurate) way of thinking about it is that men fix things and women fix people. Take that how you will.


That effort is a responsibility. See, told you that earlier term would be explained! It's a responsibility we take seriously. We want you to be happy, and happy with us. It doesn't hurt when you help us out a little bit, however, by working to make yourself happy a little bit without us!


I sincerely doubt this guy found one thing you said and stopped calling because of it. More likely there was a gradual decline in your relationship and you, well, didn't notice it or ignored it. It happens to both men and women (in fact men are usually the culprits). Things were "going great" and then it just vanished. This is usually the result of one person having a glamorized view of the other person.


By "glamorized" I mean putting someone on a pedestal. To you he's the greatest guy ever. To him, though, he's just...him. He's a normal guy like anyone else. If a girl starts acting like you're the greatest guy ever he's going to wonder what guy you're looking at. He's going to start to wonder if you have an objective opinion or are just creating a built-up image that he's certain he can't live up to.


Nobody wants to be viewed like this (unless they're a narcissist, of course). He knows he can't live up to it and bows out. He'll smile and nod like everything's OK and spend less and less time with you until *poof* you never hear from him again. Sound familiar?


Men do like to be in charge. They like to make decisions and be looked to for advice. They don't, however, like to run other people's lives. It's enough work to run their own! In any relationship there must be a push and pull. If you agree with everything he says and never make any choices it's going to start falling apart. He'll never know if you have your own opinions and his interest will wane. We like strong women. We want to see the girl in our lives as an equal. Women often make the mistake that the one making the "big choices" is the "dominant" one. This isn't really true. People should compliment each other in a relationship. They both should make their own choices and be their own people...together. It's a delicate balance.


And that's what life is all about. Balance. Extremes are rarely, if ever, good. Even things like money or God, which are considered good things to have, are negative if put in the extremes (evil dictators and witch burners come to mind).


I'm not saying that you were being extreme; you didn't say much on your situation so I put in a lot of info hoping that some aspect would resonate with you and fit to your situation. I based it mostly on the sense that your last sentence seemed a bit desperate; desperation will come through to a guy and scare him off. He wants your love for who he really is, not because you're afraid to be alone and he's convenient. That's a harsh way of putting it but it's the truth . That's likely not what's going on in your head. But that's what he's scared of.


I'd suggest taking dating lightly. Have fun . Maybe I say that because I'm young but if you aren't enjoying yourself, frankly, what's the point? Fun is contagious. Enjoy yourself when you're around a guy and he'll enjoy being with you. That bond is stronger than any "romance" depressing Romeo and Juliet crap (everyone seems to forget that they die ). "Romantic comedies" work so well because romance should be fun .


If you aren't laughing, you aren't loving. That's not a quote, I just made it up, but I think it's true.


It's not as simple as seeing the glass as half empty or half full. If the stupid glass is half empty fill the darn thing up and nobody can see it as anything but what it is.


It just requires a bit more effort =).


Jacquesne