gr8guy is offline gr8guy Post #11  March 28,2009, 7:02am
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angel, wrote :

I met someone who filledfor adivorce. But will not be finalized for a few months. I quess it is like this married and divorced. Which is the technical term for this is he married or divorced.


I told him that i did not want to get to know him better until after his divorce is final.
Married is married, seperated is still married.


He sounds like he is still married.


Hate to say it, this one sounds like nothing but problems for you.
 
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CAnative is offline CAnative Post #12  March 28,2009, 10:54am
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He is married.... My second divorce ended up taking 2 years and we had no children. Should have been a slam dunk. Just a thought, but do you want to be the rebound relationship? If it were me I would let sometime pass before getting involved with him. He might say he's fine but if he was married for any length of time there will be things for him to put to rest.
 
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Co6aka is offline Co6aka Post #13  March 28,2009, 12:51pm
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For whatever it's worth...


First, it took me more than four years and ALL of my cash to divorce my wife because she tried every dirty trick ever invented to extort money and assets from me, even though she had no legal entitlement to anything. (No children were involved, thank goodness.) During that time I was preoccupied with financial self-preservation and was flat-broke, which isn't exactly a position any women find attractive. Now, with this financial crisis upon us, it's going to take me at least the rest of this year to pay off my legal expenses, so in the practical sense I'm STILL certainly not in any position to date.


Second, the stigma attached to divorce dictates that divorced people are "damaged" somehow, mentally and/or emotionally, and must be avoided like the plague for so many years afterwards. Regardless of their actual mental and emotional health, almost everyone will reduce them to the lowest common denominator and beat them over the head with it, so the first relationship after divorce is almost guaranteed to fail. Even if the other party in the relationship doesn't do this, almost everyone else will "warn them off" and otherwise interfere. Also, even the slightest flaw or infraction will be deduced as divorce-related and used like a club, even though much more would normally be accepted as normal individual quirkiness. I know this from my own experience and from direct observation of others' experiences: Society dictates that emotional isolation can only be cured by more emotional isolation. (Never underestimate the intelligence of large groups.)


Even if the person going through the divorce, or just divorced, is mentally and emotionally healthy your chance of success is minimal. And of course they are still legally married, so their relationship with you could jeopardize their divorce. I would not get involved with a woman in a similar situation unless I was able to determine she is indeed healthy and is "the one." Caveat emptor.


Anyway, I've decided to spare myself, and a woman I would certainly care very much for, all of the trouble and will remain in emotional solitary confinement probably throughout the rest of this year. I'm going to let my release date be decided by my financial position. In the meantime I'm "reading the mail" and studying the field so I'll be able to hit the ground running. This is the course of action I would suggest to anyone in my position.


Ordo ab chao.
 
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jezzabell is offline jezzabell Post #14  April 20,2009, 9:29am
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neardc,552032 wrote :

The correct term is "married." There is another very long active thread on the boards asking what someone who is "separated" should be considered. I suggest that you take a look at that one for an extensive discussion of your question.
I also dated a guy for 2 years, who, while separated remained married. He had been living at home with his wife and kids - claimed to have slept on the sofa for 15 years - and stayed to help raise their children. The kids are now adults. He STILL hasn't filed for divorce, but, remains estranged/separated from his wife. He no longer lives at home and hasn't for over 2 years and says that he's not going back. His "intentions are to get a divorce". Hmmm...


I never met his kids. He met mine - I have a 19 year old. I was also never included to attend his family functions. Picnics, holiday parties - he attended solo (or so he said). His family, by faith, couldn't accept him having a "girlfriend" and not at least working on his divorce. I understood that, for the most part.


I guess, after allowing myself to believe that he was going to "change his situation", (even though he told me when we went on our first date that he was in the process), I got to the point that I realized that WE didn't have a future together. He liked life the way it was with me on the side.


It took me a while, but, I broke things off with him. He's still in the same situation he was when I was dating him.


It was tough, but, I moved on....it was tough saying goodbye. But, it was only a possible relationship....he's still married.


Follow your heart.
 
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